Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

What was it like in Portsmouth in the late 1980s ?
hansisland, Forum

How perceptive of you, there is perhaps only 6 people alive today that know there was something terribly strange about Portsmouth in the late 80’s. Due to a freak Ionic storm over the town it became a hotspot for tumble drier related deaths. The News Enforcers kept it quiet as it was there already far too much news in that period what with Tiananmen Square and US forces ousting General Noriega from Panama, (Which was a massive blow to holiday hat makers) but I can tell you it was a blood bath Portsmouth, in a 1 week period over 17 people were murdified by the tumble driers, their statically charged corpse’s where taken to morgues, the deathitists there found it almost impossible to iron them.

Whats the name of that song i liked on the chris moyles Jan 10 show this morning?
Mick, Forum

Unless I am very much mistaken on Wednesday January 10th DJ Chris Moyles played the Carl Douglas classic “Kung Fu Fighting” which is scientifically proven to be sonicationally perfect.

Why is mercury the only metal liquid at room temperature?
Crag2804, Forum

Aha! I suspect you are trying to catch me out with a trick question, there are actually several metals that are liquid at room temperature, it all depends on the room you are in, for example, tungsten steel is liquid when placed in a very hot room, as is tin and sweetcorn. Haha! you have to get up pretty early in the morning to outfox the foxster.

Incidentally Bromine is also liquid at “normal” room temperature, but that’s not really a metal, its an African American coal mine.

When you break glass you get a particular sound, where does that sound come from. I see no mouths or speakers on the glass?
Crag2804, Forum

The sound that is produced comes from the molecules screaming, as we know molecules are tiny but they do have comparably large mouths, much like a small child can produce ear bleedingly high decibels when punched in their kidney these molecules can emits a crashing sound, but do not be fooled, it is in fact a death scream.

Would I be happier in my next life as an elephant or a mouse?
Crag2804, Forum

Undoubtedly the elephant, mice have a crap life, I should know, most of my more pointless experiments involve killing several hundred mice (most of the time they are not required, its just become a habit, a trade mark if you will)

The “Does Warm water freeze faster then cold water” experiment alone ended the lives of 1700 mice (I used them as accelerants).

Elephants on the other hand are rarely used in experiments as it costs a fortune to get a correct sized Bunsen burner.

Why do my shoes squeak when it’s wet?
Crag2804, Forum

As I have mentioned before, many seemingly mundane objects have intelligence, indeed in the case of the humble shoe it actually has a soul. The ancient Greeks were aware of this and is the reason why the bottom of a shoe is called a heel.

Now, what is not widely know is that shoes are actually allergic to water, the sound you hear is the shoe whimpering in pain.

Billie Jean is not my lover, but If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.    

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