Relationship Rules: You Need Help

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There are tons of little tidbits that can help you survive any relationship if you really want to, the key is to know which rules to apply and to do that you must know your woman, again, if you really want to. Most of these came from Something Awful.

Number 73: Reality shows

While it seems annoying that your woman watches these shows, in reality it is instilling the perfect set of characteristics you want in a woman. Just look at the latest reality show to end, Rock of Love II w/ Bret Michaels: sexy, scantly-dressed girls throwing themselves all over each other in order to gain the sexual-attention of a man. Who needs brains when you have mud and daisy-dukes on!?

Your woman sees her species engaging in such activity and feels the primal need to evolve into this higher being. All you have to do is sit back, provide alcohol, and lead on all the women flocking to you.

Rule Number 63: Protect Your Seed

You’ve doubtlessly heard horror stories about women impregnating themselves with the sperm from used condoms or sabotaging condoms in order to become pregnant. To prevent them from stealing your seed, keep a bottle of hot sauce at ready next to the bed and immediately douse your partner’s vagina with it after the act of coitus.

Rule Number 10: Bathe regularly

So you’ve landed the love of your life. No need to clean yourself properly, right? Wrong. All too often, a man or a woman gets way too comfortable with the intimacy in their new relationship, and in doing so become incredibly unhygienic. You have to be careful about this – it takes a long time for your mate to get used to your Love Musk, and if it’s too overwhelming there is a good chance that they will leave your ass and leave you three rungs lower on the Mating Ladder. Don’t be afraid to continue bathing as you did prior to charming the prince or princess – the soap costs can be excruciating, but chances are it’s worth it.

Rule Number 13: How to Hide A Bruise

The first thing you are going to want to do, and where every love bird tends to mess up, is to ice down the bruise before applying the makeup. This will reduce the swelling and make the cover-up a lot less obvious to her friends and co-workers. You are then going to want to use a yellow-greenish color concealer to take care of the perimeter of the bruise – try to match the skin tone of the surrounding area. Green offsets the blood bruising, and yellow helps blend. After this dries & they aren’t crying anymore, go ahead and apply a dry cosmetic base coat with a puff brush, then a setting powder with a #1 brush. Do not use the cat brush. Finally, use just a little bit of eye shadow to mask the bruise as intentional skin coloring, like they do in the movies. You’ll be back in business in no time 🙂

Rule Number 15: Keep that bitch on a chain

Ever taken your broad out on a date to the grocery store to buy some shit and she keeps trying to make you buy other shit?? Shit! Tell that bitch to shut the fuck up and push the cart. If she asks you why you are looking at another girl, tell her that you want to fuck the shit out of that slut and she is stupid for even asking. By dominating a woman mentally and physically she will be completely helpless to leave you.

Society loves to tell men that you can’t beat a woman, but if they want equal pay and rights then they should be able to take an equal beating. If she is lucky enough to receive a token gift from you after a hard day at work, she better be on her back with a red carpet rolled out from her slit or she is a shallow greedy bitch. Making her remember her place is key to a good healthy relationship.

More to come

 

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.