My Unparallel Loathing of Gaming Hipsters

WoW Ret Cat
WoW Ret Cat

My Unparallel Loathing of Gaming Hipsters

I can’t take it anymore, reader. I simply cannot suffer the pretentious attitude of gaming hipsters. They leave my stomach churning, tie my throat in a knot, and cause an unpronounced level of pain in my scrotum. Why God? I ask you this! Why do they exist to believe themselves to be upon a celestial pedestal of understanding and ownership of some delusional knowledge they do not possess?

Hipsters.

The word alone makes me want to go on a punching jamboree at a local Starbucks. Those bastards just weren’t content on having the indie scene, huh? They had to someone seep like a poison into the gaming community. And it wasn’t like they miraculously appeared out of nowhere. No, no. I just noticed they’ve been here for years, secretly hiding like some Massachusetts Witch Covenant biding their time for an unveiling.

But you know what?

No one gives a shit about them or the opinion of their Gaming Hipster Community. But contrary to that last sentence, I do care to a degree. I’d like to point out my disliking for them in detail. Yes, reader, you will become more knowledgeable on who is a gaming hipster and may even come into the realization that you yourself or someone you hold dear to your hearts may even be one of these aberrations.

  • No one cares if you were in beta.

Aside from narrow-minded children and frat boys, no one cares that you’ve played since beta. When someone asks a question as to whether something is a good talent specialization or how to beat a certain raid boss, don’t reply with “Trust me, I’ve been playing since Beta.” This doesn’t make you more knowledgeable to specializations or strategies. Especially don’t say this in games like World of Warcraft. The game at its current state is completely different than its original incarnation at this point and your opinion is null and void. Another thing, games that go into Beta maybe have 10-15 people who are actually voicing legit opinions in that gaming community. The rest are people who whine and shit because they don’t understand gaming mechanics or can’t even offer viable solutions aside from nerfing the entirety of a class. Oh, and speaking of classes…

  • No one cares if were an underpowered class pre-buff.
      “Mmm, I liked a Shadow Knight before they got buffed!” Wow? Really? Holy shit, that is amazing news. I’m glad you stuck through your underpowered character until they got revamped. You know why classes get revamped? It isn’t because it only takes “skilled” people to play them and make them viable. Any other class that isn’t gimp with an equally “skilled” player is going to steam roll you in numbers and efficiency. They buff classes to bring them up to par. Aww, don’t cry! Just because people can now faceroll as your favorite underground class doesn’t mean you suck. If you really were skilled you’d still be better than the rest of them by far, right? Or is it because no one played the class you had no real competition to gauge yourself? Wait. What was that you muttered underneath your breath? Oh, that’s what you said? Well guess what…
  • No one cares if your guild beat content before it got nerfed.

I remember going into threads that said “Fenrir’s Pups beat Ragnaros” and reading the replies of smug faced, Rockstar drinking hipsters who would sneer the achievement with “Congratulations on beating old and nerfed content.” What a monster you must be! Let’s look at those virtual muscles. Wow! You’ve been really hitting the E-Gym. We all know beating Ragnaros pre-nerf was like fighting Muhammad Ali in his prime and fighting him after the nerf was like fighting him today. We get that. No need to boast about it, though. Your past efforts fall upon deaf ears because not a single person today gives a shit.

Hey, what’s that you’re playing? Is that an NES emulator? What game are you playing? Is that Super Mario Brothers 2? It isn’t? It sure looks like… holy shit don’t say it.

  • No one cares if you played Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic before people played Super Mario 2!

I’m glad that you are in touch with the origins of a game and know that Super Mario Brothers 2 is a rehashing of another game but don’t toss it away because it wasn’t indie enough for you. Most of the creatures in Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic were created by Nintendo anyway.

This sick need to do the polar opposite of anything popular or mainstream brings me to my last point.

  • Fuck You.

Fuck you, gaming hipster. You’re the person who finds the Playstation Network vastly superior to Xbox Live. You’re the person who guffaws at Apple products (and yes, I admit, I was once this type of person) without even trying to grasp why people like them. You’re the person still playing your NES because all new games suck like some grumpy old man who still plays that game with a hoop and stick. You’re the person who demands nostalgia and only subscribes to progression servers for a month and quits within 3 days because those memories weren’t as fond as you thought they were.

There is no means to stop you from these self imposed habits and traits and there is no wisdom or knowledge I can bestow to remedy the hipster hivemind so I will gladly end this article in the simplest but most profound way I know…

Eat a dick, gaming hipster. Eat a steaming plate of dicks on a bed of rice.

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Umar Khan

Umar is a true gamer and computer wizard. During his time at Alienware, he connected with Obsolete Gamer CEO, Ignacio and COO, J.A. Laraque and created one of the original writing teams that would go on to create Obsolete Gamer. Always willing to speak his mind even when others hate him for it, Umar always entertains as well as informs.

10 thoughts on “My Unparallel Loathing of Gaming Hipsters

  • November 3, 2010 at 5:10 PM
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    WoW is not a real game. You remind me of that insufferable douche that stood up on stage at Blizzcon yelling emphatically, “GEEK IS…” for 15 goddamned minutes with a powerpoint presentation of Star Wars scenes.

  • November 3, 2010 at 5:21 PM
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    What is a real game? You should give a 15 minute video presentation of what a real game is. And why did you sit around for 15 minutes watching a video that obviously irritated you? I didn’t even watch the video beyond six minutes because of how long it took them to even get to the point. And don’t even say “Oh my gaw! I didn’t watch it. One of my gay friends watched it and toldsed me” because in reality you did watch it.

  • November 3, 2010 at 5:23 PM
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    To Tog.

    I just want to make you aware of the fact that WoW is in fact a real game. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be able to play it. Other games you may not include into your “game” category include freeze tag and hide-n-seek. Just because you don’t play them, doesn’t mean their void of the title “game.” Furthermore, you should invest some time in rereading this article. Clearly, you are unaware of his hate for impotent fools like yourself. The sheer mention of the words “insufferable douche” classify you as none other than a “gaming hipster.”

  • November 3, 2010 at 5:35 PM
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    I was standing in line to play Diablo 3 at Blizzcon while that guy prattled on about what geek is.

  • November 3, 2010 at 6:08 PM
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    Now that’s a real game. Diablo 3! A game with the complexity and depth of a “Click Here” ad banner promising a free Ipod if I manage to hit a monkey with a dart gun. Yeah. I’d wait in line for that. In fact, I’d buy a ticket to Blizzcon just to stand in line for it. Nothing screams awesome like a Van Hellsing clone dual wielding crossbows.

  • November 3, 2010 at 7:48 PM
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    WoW is the best game, I am vanquished. It’s Unparallel. I am also obviously some kind of flannel-wearing stovepipe pants version of a gamer because I thought your article sucked and because I wrote the words “insufferable douche.” You win!

  • November 3, 2010 at 8:00 PM
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    Thanks for conceding that you’re a hipster and also someone who is vastly fascinated by World of Warcraft. The article also talks about Everquest 2, MMO’s in general, Super Mario Brothers and console wars. Since one example seems to encompass your entire mindset I’m glad you have accepted World of Warcraft as your favorite game.

  • November 5, 2010 at 1:14 PM
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    Lol. So true. You and I are now friends. You have no choice in the matter.

  • November 5, 2010 at 3:53 PM
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    Overall I’d say your article is dead on. The only one subject I’d probably not fully agree with you on is the whole issue of beta.

    Pretty much everyone gets into a beta(whether it be closed or open), so claiming superiority due to that is just dumb, agreed. However, I think having been in the game from beta to current, playing actively the whole time, is something that can be used as a credential of sorts when discussing the evolution of the game with a newer player, or someone that is standing around telling others that the game/game designers have always favored X class or Y type of player when you know that, in fact the game originally was not like that, then being able to say, “look, it was actually more favorable for Z class originally, but during beta some balancing was done” or “The designers realized a few weeks after the launch that players in beta were not their biggest target market, so they changed gameplay to instead target that Y type of player.” But that’s not really what you were saying anyway, as that’s not strategy or means of saying “I’m good at this game just because I was in the beta”. I just think that there are some instances that you didn’t bring up where having the claim of having actively played since beta lends credibility to what you say. But again, I agree that how to play the game is not one of those situations.

    It also has to be brought up (everyone loves beating a dead horse) that so many folks nowadays seek out beta’s like they used to look for a 14 day trial. And to a degree it makes sense. For example, I don’t get to play nearly as much as I’d like to, and with a wife and kids, plus sometimes getting after hours calls from work, I just don’t know from week to week how much time I’ll get to play. So I end up being very reluctant to drop $50 on a game, and then sign up for a 14 day trial, when it could end up I only get to play 2 hrs of those 14 days. Now I have 2 hrs of gameplay (usually 2 hrs of noob grinding to get basic gear, missions, etc) experience to decide whether I want to go ahead and sub or decide I’ve wasted $50. However, if I get into a beta, it gives me a dual opportunity. First I get to check out one of the latest and greatest games before it even hits the market, giving me the opportunity to decide if it’s really something I wanna put money into.With most beta’s going on for months (depending on the bugs found and the work required to fix them), if I can’t log in for a couple weeks, I can still come back and play some more to get a feel for basic game play, etc . Secondly, it gives me an opportunity to actively participate in the development of a game that I feel has merit and would be something I would sub to play. If a game doesn’t look like something I’d like to pay for, there’s no point in signing up for beta testing anyway.

  • December 25, 2010 at 1:12 PM
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    Gaming snobs and hipsters can eat shit and die.

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