No longer will we have to deal with the immature audience of today’s internet that shout “Fag!”, “Bitch why did you take my quest item?”, and “Suck my dick, you fat loser!”.~Umar Khan

I’m The Guy Who Reported You

Let me step out of the shadows and into the light so you can see clearly. Got a good look? Great! It took a lot on my part to build the confidence and reassurance that what I’m doing is right. I’m glad this day has finally come, though. What day might that be? The day where I reveal to you, nay, all of you that I am the orchestrator of your bans, warnings, and name changes! That’s true! It is I! The great Umar Khan! I am the bastard who spends most of his day opening customer support tickets to report you for saying dicks, asshole, and cunt whistle.

ILaN

But, Umar! Why?! Why would you do this? Have you no soul? No life?!

Correct on all accounts, reader! Correct on all accounts. In respect to your question I shall answer your whiny plea for the justification of my actions. Give me a moment to fill my wine glass with milk and lean back in my $35 ergonomic chair from Office Depot as I prepare to blow your mind.

I am doing it for you! Yes, you! All of this! All of it! For you! I am on a quest to weed out the unworthy of the online gaming landscape to make it a proper land for those who know how to follow rules and have the fortitude to fully understand and read the EULA that they agree to as they play their games. No longer will we have to deal with the immature audience of today’s internet that shout “Fag!”, “Bitch why did you take my quest item?”, and “Suck my dick, you fat loser!”. The EULA states that this kind of language is against its rules. Why you dare play with fire, I will never understand. The time has come though to turn the flame you rage against into a blistering inferno of bannings and suspensions! I am the harbinger of the soon to come MMO Utopia. For this who fight against my crusade, I am the vanguard of your destruction.

You can just turn on the profanity filter if it butt hurts you so much. lol!

I could or you could just not scoff at the agreement you accepted! Does my butt hurt when you refer to someone as a genital? Not at all. My butt doesn’t even get itchy! No, reader. Your words do not faze me. I learned a long time ago that words are simply glue and I… I am rubber! Your proclamations of rape, pussy, and motherfucker bounce from me and they stick to you. They will take root into your body and you will suffer the consequences they create! I will purge this foul mouthed community from my online gaming utopia and create an environment where a profanity filter is nonexistent. At last, the internet will have some class.

They don’t ban people for that! LOL The GM will just tell you to stfu! lolololol

That is so ridiculous. Since the beginning of the EULA’s existence, people have been banned for breaking the agreement that they willingly accepted in order to kill the giants rats of our yesteryears. Have you taken the time to read the EULA? They can ban you for this swashbuckling speech! If you haven’t heard of someone being banned or warned for this breach, you are blind, ignorant, and/or a liar.

What’s wrong, reader? Your face is red with what seems to be anger and chilled with the sweat of fright! You look like an animal backed into a corner; like an Obi-Wan who doesn’t want to believe Anakin would plunge the Jedi into darkness.

You’re a mad man! A mad man, I say! You can’t do this!

Oh, I can and I will! My rampage will not end with those who simply spew middle school vulgarity. I will prosecute the racists, xenophobic, farmers, exploiters, and scammers! When I’m through with this online world, parents won’t have to worry about their children getting on the computer. Unlike the world we currently live in, the internet will be a safe haven. Thanks to me. The MMO Jesus. That’s what they’ll call me.

We don’t want this utopia! This is a sick world you want for us! You can’t censor us, man!

Truly? Censorship? How am I censoring you? You can still voice your distaste for someone’s actions. You can still boast with a less vulgar choice of words. What censorship? I am instilling class and courtesy in your lives! Instead of voicing the hate I am looking to subdue, you should embrace my cause and open your customer service tickets and begin reporting those who would taint our internet games! The battle will be long and difficult, that is true. However, there will come a time where we can finally play our games and not have to spend our time weeding out the vile filth that plagues our communities. Look past our differences. Look past yourselves. Reader, you know what I say is true and the only one holding all this back is… well you.

  • lewl

    Obsolete gamer, indeed.

  • Obsolete gamer, indeed indeed. That’s what they’ll be calling the people who have given up on gaming because of their constant bannings, suspensions, and warnings.

  • Or the ones who go back to World of Warcraft as if they get stock options from Blizzard, lol. I like reporting the children who think they are the first funny people of the internet. These were the 10-year-olds who watched their older brother playing WOW and wanted to be cool too, but bedtime was at nine. Now they think its their turn in games like Star Wars and its pretty sad as two people who you know are friends fake troll each other and pretend they are starting something.

  • Was this supposed to be funny? If it was – 0/10

    If this was even remotely serious, I pity you.

    Your chronic procrastination has obviously twisted your sense of reality. I mean, you honestly thought after spending at most, 3 minutes randomly generating gibberish by smashing your face on the keyboard that at least ONE person would give an angry baboons malignant left testicle about your ‘article’.

    Hah!

    How about for your next mission you can report yourself to a job and start contributing towards society.. Actually, no don’t – Just get aids and die.

    Sincerely,
    Humanity.

  • Oh lordy lord lord! Look at Mr.Big Dick Stallone. No one cares about reporting but when I say I’m doing it, you fizzle with rage. So much fizzling rage you had to comment. You are so offended that someone wants a friendly environment online that you wish death upon them. There are some serious issues with you, friend. If things as small as this work you up to build into such an ugly hate, what does that say about you? It’s people like you that cause the public to blame video games for dangerous and unstable behavior in society.

  • jimthev

    There is nobody that is actually this bad. This is a total caricature. UmarKhan is pulling an Andy Kaufman and failing to even be funny in doing so (which is also pulling an Andy Kaufman).

    Can I please get some more Alienware stories instead?

  • Your analysis is so deep and profound, You should look into becoming a profiler.