Ask the Fucking Professor

Here at ObscureInternet headquarters have the Professor Lazarus working hard to solve life’s most mysterious mysteries. So now thanks to a four day beating he has agreed to answer any question on any subject , here follows some of the most stupid questions

Holocaust Truth
After what the clever posh bloke said, did the really Holocaust happen?

Prof – Legally the only the answer anyone in Europe can say to this question is yes.

Although this is the correct answer, I balk at the fact that if you say no you could be sent to prison for up to 10 years.

There is no question regarding the Holocaust, the Eichmann papers, thousands of hours of footage and personal testimony of hundreds of thousands survivors and guards puts it into the same category of question as “Do trees really have leaves?” and “Is that water truly wet?”

But, for the sake of science lets have a look at Irving’s evidence that it did not happen; This is what he said in his prison cell –
“Given the ruthless efficiency of the Germans, if there was an extermination program to kill all the Jews, how come so many survived?”

How’s that for a smoking gun!

I think all he has proved there is that he is an anti-Semitic motherfucking lunatic.

Travelling pressure
I have two choices when it comes to travelling into Manchester in the morning. I can stay on my local train and go to Victoria this means a 30 minute walk from there to where I work. Or I can change at Salford crescent and get another train to Piccadilly. This is gets me much closer and it’s only a 15 minute walk from there.

I normally check every day to see if my connection is on time, if it isn’t then I’ll stay on the local train and get to work sooner than waiting for the delayed service.

Why though does the connection train always chose to be late on the days I don’t look to check. I got off today expecting my next train in a few minutes. I ended up waiting 35 minutes for the connection because I foolishly didn’t look if it was delayed. This always seems to happen. Any idea why?

Prof – After giving this minutes of thought I believe I have a working hypothesis to this phenomenon. I would need to carry out some test but it appears that sub-consciously you hate yourself.

Unbeknown to yourself during the trip to the train station, your brain takes in everything around you, temperature, air pressure, moisture levels and wind speed, although you cannot consciously make sense of this info, sub consciously its all getting recorded, as you get closer to the station you start to pick up snippets of conversation the odd word here and there, again only a subconscious level.

Now as you enter the train station and reach the critical point were you would normally go and check the connection time your sub-conscious does a calculation, if the weather conditions are bad and key words such as “delayed” or “late” were picked up in and around the station your sub-conscious will stop you from checking the sign, and thus ruining your day.

The alternative is that God takes an interest in you personally and in doing so knows when you do not look at the connection time and subsequently delays the train. With the power to create a universe with a single sentence he chooses to delay the 8:15 to Piccadilly. Just to piss you off.

So there you go. Why is the train only late on days that the connection times are not checked?

Because he either hates himself or his God does.

Stuck in my head
Why do I have Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go stuck in my head?

Prof – Having songs stuck in your head is one of the most annoying things that can happen. Coupled with the fact you have one of the most annoying songs stuck in your head its a wonder you have not ended yourself.
But the reason why it is stuck in your head is complex.
Basically, you hate yourself. If you can imagine your concious and subconcious are niegbours, you live in the conciuos house. Your neigbour, I’ll call him SC, is a prick, all he does all day strut about whispering things to you like “you have forgotten somthing, I know what it is, but I’m not telling”. Anyway this annoying prick does not like you and currently he playing Wake me up before you go-go on his stereo.
You have 2 options, retaliate by listening to Back Street Boys, or get wildly drunk and pass out.

I’d go for the latter.

Pain in my… ankle.
Why does my right ankle always really hurt after playing football. I played a week ago (almost to the hour) and yet it still gives me trouble when walking. I think it may be because I hate myself but I’m not sure, any wisdom would be appreciated prof.

Prof – In a word –

Athleticus-aintolerans

Its been a long known fact amongst my fellow scientists that certain people are physically allergic to exercise. In much the same way as milk can inflate the windpipe of a lactose intolerant person, playing football can inflame the very muscles these poor bastards are trying to tone.

There is no cure for this. You best bet is to sit on a couch. And stay there.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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