New Terms: Sneeze Apnea

Sneeze Apnea

Sneeze Apnea
Sneeze Apnea's effect globally.

When, as such, you have to sneeze, but due to the forces of nomenclature and kings, CANNOT sneeze. Sneeze Apnea is that thin line between sneezing and not, thus stopping everything you’re doing and thinking for that short time period. If you do not sneeze, all is right with the world. However, when sneeze apnea leads to actual sneezing, the force of that sneeze may be so great, that it causes global disturbances, such as civil unrest in Egypt.

The Fuzz Flash

The Fuzz Flash
Murders and crack babies being conceived in Opa-locka, BAH fuck that. Let me give Fulano de Tal a ticket for simply going about his business in an expeditious manner.

Why is that person flashing their hi-beams at me? What is that, like morse code? I better slow down so I can make it out.

::slows down, driving right past the cop hiding behind a tree with a radar gun::

WOW, that person was flashing me to warn me about the processed pork product hiding behind that tree. Thanks for the fuzz flash man!

The fuzz flash is a driving technique used by people such as myself, who are tired of living in a police state and don’t wish to see others get fined for going 5mph over the limit in the worst economic crisis since the 30s. If you see the fuzz setting up a speed trap, flash the oncomers. DO YOUR PART.

The Wailing Caverns

Truck_console

Similar in nature to the Walgreens’ Pit of despair, the wailing caverns, as such, is the space between your center console and car seat, to which no artifact or expedition ever returns. Example: today my coworker gave me a white/milk chocolate concoction. This is acceptable as the milk chocolate is accompanied by it’s aryan brother, white chocolate. Ebony and ivory, etc.

So I get into my car, and the chocolate naturally slips out of my hand. The scene played out like the beginning of Cliffhanger.

Like in Cliffhanger, my beloved chocolate fell into the wailing caverns, forever joining about $765 in quarters, Jimmy Hoffa, and Eric the Midget.

Trucker Bob

Trucker Bob

Trucker Bob, an agent of the kings, drives the slowest truck on earth. His truck must be hauling a trailer full of lead, or Sally Struthers or something. Naturally, when you are in a rush, the kings radio Trucker Bob to drive in front of you, ruining your shit.

“BUT PAUL YOU PINKO BASTARD WHY CANT YOU GO AROUND HIM HURRRRRRR”

I can’t because a) I’m not Michael Schumacher, and b) Trucker Bob’s friend, Trucker Jim, is in the other lane blocking me. The world’s worst moving roadblock.

Hits: 6

J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.