Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Bird in the hand
Could you please explain why a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

Simple fiscal policy. If you go to Hand a bird is worth 20, however if you travel to Bush the exchange rate is much higher and you get approx 40 for it. Hope they are all as easy as this.

Coppercorn
Considering how far the human race has come along over the years, evolving from monkeys and that, how come we cant digest something as simple as sweetcorn?

Sweetcorn has only been around 40 years, it was initially invented as a long term alternative to copper, however it was discovered that its electrical conductive qualities were, in the words of McCarthy, shite, and it was quickly rebranded as a healthy tasty alternative to broccoli, although no mention can now be found regarding its origins it still retains some of its copperesqe qualitys as in the fucking thing does not digest at all.

Abode Fuckwits
Why are Adobe fucking idiots also why did they buy Macromedia who are not fucking idiots, and then fucking idiot their software up.

I spoke directly to Adobe CEO Jeff Kelling and asked your question, he stipulated categorically that a bad tradesman blames his tools. I tend to agree.

Technet Boreletter
Why did I think I needed to get TechNet Newsletter ?

Basically, you hate yourself, your sub-concious is finding new and more excrutiating ways to torture you, its latest offense apparntly includes forcing you to subscrinbe to useless detritus that you will never read.

The Shits
Why has the last week been the shits?

See above, I have never known a person with such a destructive sub-concious as you my friend. I may have to write a paper on you.

They Water?
You know when people say “they say you should drink 3 litres of water a day”, or something along those lines, who are “they”???

They are very powerful people that you should not be asking questions about.

But since you did! They are small cabal of indepentatly wealthy widowers who are based in Kendal, they meet thrice a year to decide what the UK will eat and drink for the next 4 months, they are lobbied by the likes of Tesco’s and Aldi to promote certain types of food and drink, you remember when they told you that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Uhuh, what is now, its 5! 5 a day. Within the decade they will be telling you that if you don’t eat at least 25 packs of walkers crisps your eyes will dissolve.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.