X-Factor Week Four

Firstly, if anyone does actually read these articles that is, apologies for missing week 3, I inadvertently misplaced the recording I had (ie: I recorded Lost over the top of it by accident), hey, we’re all human!

The “X” factor – lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to what exactly the X factor might be, well, maybe a few minutes the other day anyway. Is it really what the judges would have us believe, that someone can have a certain joi de vivre, mixed with a spoonful of va va voom, which results in producing a unique type of person who is not only talented, but has a magical appeal about them at the same time? Nah, course not, the X factor applies to the people out there that REALLY entertain us – the talentless, deluded individuals that bring a smile to our lips week after week while the auditions are on. I salute these weird, mad and wonderful human beings, who in my opinion, have the real X factor running through their veins! And what is it in our own genetic makeup that enables us to take such delightful satisfaction in other people’s misery? Well, maybe that’s one to ponder on till next week…

As usual, we start by touching briefly upon the actual talent, which I have to say was particularly thin on the ground this week, in fact I can only recall 2 that showed any signs of being able to actually hold a note. First we had Ben, great performance of a Sam Cooke classic followed by lots of gushy compliments from the panel that had him squirming with embarrassment, perhaps the gushiness was so over the top because of the re-appearance of plastic Paula and her cheesy American drawl. But who does he look like though? I’ve been racking my brains ever since watching it and all I can come up with is some kind of hybrid mix of Neil from The Young Ones and Michael Bolton, again, maybe it’s just me….

The only other notable talent of the show, came in the form of Robert, who this week raked in the sympathy factor by the bucket. I’ll say this once again, IT IS NOT NECESSARY, and is in fact getting very tedious, however, he was very good and deserves a mention. Perhaps the worst appeal for sympathy ever though, was the violins playing in the background for poor Janet, who’d broken her back several months ago…pulllease…and even more disturbing, she got through!

This week saw a reverie of Robbie Williams tunes being mutilated beyond belief, a horde of geriatrics, peculiarly getting through to the next round, and did anyone spot a brief appearance of Minty from Eastenders?!?!?

Now normally when we see 3 black girls, who sing at every family occasion and claim to be the equivalent of Alisha Keyes, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone, we can kick back and enjoy a few minutes of soulful harmony, but what the…..”You Give Me Fever”, no chance, you give me that same feeling I get when hearing nails being scraped down a blackboard! It was like the 3 blind mice and metamorphosed into human form….

There was David, the warehouse worker and his spasmodic rendition of “Wherever I Lay my Hat”, had he swallowed his hat? Was he trying to cough it back up, is that why he constantly jerked his head on every second word? I have to say I didn’t even know what he was singing till over half way through!

Anthony – KNOWS he has the X Factor, after all he has the looks (?), the personality (?), and just wants to share his talent with the rest of us mere mortals….and once again, “Angels” is crucified before our very eyes. Anthony sees himself “abroad” and we can only hope….poor chap was simply broken hearted (his words) at not making it through, not sure what condition his heart is in, but his eardrums are certainly in need of a full examination!

This week’s award however, posed a quandary, I really was stuck between 2 stars of this week’s show. After much deliberation and cogitation, 2nd place goes to “Rockin” Rick, the 48 year old, side burned, seriously quiffed Butlins dishwasher, a career spanning 30 years no less! With his pulled up trousers, possibly to impress Simon of course, his yellow teeth and the biggest ears I have seen since Noddy and his “companion” turned their backs on Toy Town, his “Love Me Tender” had me chuckling away into my chenin blanc, ah, he was magic…

I finally decided 1st place however, just had to go to Trevor the security guard – the man is a legend, his zombie-like performance of “Let Me Entertain You” was absolute comic magic, as Simon stated, possibly the most inappropriate song ever chosen! Well Trevor, to me you are a star, please let him make it to the group of rejects they always get together at the end…!

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.