Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Is a Zebra black with white stripes? or is it white with black stripes?
Buckybuxton1312, Email

Now here is an interesting question that goes a long way to explain how eye beams work. As previously explained the eyeball emits millions of beams per second, these beams retrieve images and travel back to your eyeballs to be reconstructed by the transaltron lobe in your thinking sac. Ordinary creatures only have eyebeam defences (this is the defensive mechanism that murder eye beams which means that you cannot see through the object,) on the side that you cannot see, however Zebra’s are unique, their eyebeam defences are spread across the animal in stripes, the practical upshot of this is you will see black strips across the beast, in reality the animal is in fact blue, however you can only see this if the Zebra is standing in a room with the lights off and the TV switched on.

I hear this gorgeous blue peter presenter used to do abit of adult films! could you tell me some of the titles or links to those x rated sites?
Buckybuxton1312, Email

Peter “the pervet” Pervis has been in several hundred “Adult Art” films, his most notorious are “The Last Fellatio of Christ”, “The littlest Homo” and who could forget Peters performance as cock number 3 in “Little Ted riding wood”.

When I hit someone with a bat it’s always the person that’s gets very badly hurt and not the bat. What makes bats so much stronger than other mammals?
Crag2804, Forum

The Latin name for a bat pretty much answers this question “Maximus Steelus Wingus” The 1850’s cartoon series “Batfink” was in fact the first example of a cartoon documentary (followed closely by Transformers and Chocky(note- not Chocky’s children, this was a bastardisation of the life of William McKinley the 24th President of the USA)). Oft mistaken as a children’s TV programme “Batfink” was the truest depiction of the natural life of a bat that has ever been shot.

Why did the binmen fail to empty our bin this morning, yet managed to empty everyone elses?
scribbler, Forum

Basically, you hate yourself, although I have not had a chance to fully investigate the bin related shinanigans that transpired on the day in question but the evidence strongly leans towards the fact that your subconscious forced you to put the bin out in such a way that it offended the binmen, perhaps you left the lid open at a cocky angle or left the bin at an askew angle, which according government guidelines cannot be moved by binmen for fear of chaffing.

One thing is clear sir, be wary of subconnoman, he makes your life hell in the little ways.

Are phisher’s worse than spammers? Who is the lowest, the phisher or the idiots that actual reply to them? What percentage of a phisher’s mail list actualy reply?
Gazza, Forum

Due to my increasingly heavy workload I only have to time to speed read questions. The answer to your question is Low Idiot Fish make up approximatly 20% of spam.

Why are handcuffs so much damned fun?
Mick, Forum

Curiously only a small percentage of people have fun with handcuffs, this can be seen in this extraordinary equation

A=E-N+(P+C)
A=People who enjoy handcuffs
E=Everyone
N=Normal People
P=Perverts
C=Coppers

Say oops upside your head, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.    

Hits: 1

J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.