Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

I suspect that a ‘half moon’ is a result of my eyebeams having to travel so far (and back again), that the latency results in me thinking there’s only ‘half’ a moon. But how does that explain a full moon?

Wrong wrong wrong.

How come you told me that the tablet alone would fix the problem, but even with that AND the cream I still have itching and inflammation?

The symptoms you described to me would of been cured by the single tablet, however I have looked deeper into medical and social life, and you were less than geniune with all your symptoms, if you had I could have told you that your only course of action would of been amputation.

Why do I always feel the need to make such a tit of myself?

Ah, I suspect anybody who reads my answers already knows the answer to this, altogether now –

Basically you hate yourself.

Its not you, its your subconcious, learn to be wary of its influence, rememeber that its in for the long game, what may be a simple decision that could not possibly do you harm may be in fact the catalyst of your demise.

How come we’re all so worried about a little pederastism? What’s the big fucking deal? I say bring back the old days when good clean rape was a comedy taboo topic in itself – why must we incorporate minors to make jokes controversial enough to be worthy of regard?

Times change, I can remember when discussing a female sex organ was enough to get a laugh, these days you have call yourself “Richard Cunt” just to be considered slightly funny. Of course I have an answer for you, but it would not be considered funny for at least another 10 years.

Tonight on a very special episode of Blossom. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Bill Wood Rocks – Keep it Shut

This is the only one of my own songs that’s not by me. My mate Dave wrote the lyrics about one of his exes and I stole them from his house when he wasn’t looking. Minutes later this songs existed – it literally took as long as it takes to listen to to write the melody and guitar lines. From there I just added more guitars and bass and here is the finished result.

Of all of the things I’ve done, this tends to be most peoples favourite. Apart from Dave. Ungrateful wretch. I do kinda like it I have to admit.

My singing sucks.


Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

Why is it called ANTarctic and not ANTIarctic?

If it was ANTIartic that would suggest that it is opposite of Arctic which as any self respecting geologition will tell you is absurd, the Antarctic is 200 nautical miles east of the Artic, its only the likes of lazy atlas makers and Google Earth that peddle the fantasy that it is on the direct opposite side of the earth. If that where the case that would mean the earth is round rather than the trapezoid it actually is.

A Trapazoid

Antartic is named so because it is where the legendary Tar Tick lives, which of course there is only 1 of, and he is not good at grammar which is proved in the name, if it where gramaticatiously accurate it would of named its island Atartic. A rookie mistake.

With so many different dog races to choose from, why would anyone choose a whippet (cross between a greyhound, a pair of bollocks and a broomhandle) ?

This goes back to ancient Egypt where cats were thought to be gods, (A fact I proved false in my “If cats were gods they could survive this” series of experiments) however the Egytians did not have my genius and believed the feline to be dieties. To this end they bred a dog that could be devoured by a cat, and the whippet was born, however after millenia of being chased and eaten by cats the humble whippet has evolved into the only thing in nature that can run faster than a cat. Except perhaps the shetland pony, which has a wicked turn of pace when it needs too. Seriously people, the little fuckers are like shit off a stick.

Roman blinds was a gang of eccentrics who,around 120bc, all walked off a cliff and drowned off sicily. Why has ikea named their ‘vertical curtains’ after this ancient group of suicidal publicity seekers?

This is because the ancestors of the Roman blinds now run Ikea, and they are subtly and slowly bringing there forefathers out of the obscurity of the history books and into the living rooms of people who think Swedish minimilsm is cool, the reasoning behind this publicity campaign is simple. They are retards.

Why does the table salt I bought, specifically for putting into a cake, come with anti-caking agent?

It started after the Mongolian cake massacre of 2003 in which 459 people endured the “Caking” a brutal way to die in which the “Caked” are quite litterly eaten from the inside by rouge cake chemicals. Since then every product that is used is in the construction of cakes must have an anti-caking agent, a simple chemical compound that nullifies the brutal, catastrphic caking agent. You will only find non-anti-caking agent cakes on the black market and are ate as a sort of extreme sport.

Beef, it’s whats for dinner. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Bill Wood Rocks – New Song Playing

Balls out rock. And believe me, I know about balls out.

This is all about knowing that the end of a relationship is looming. This put me in a tricky position as the person to whom I would usually perform my developing compositions was in fact the subject of this song. Thus I had to make it cryptic enough to get away with without sacrificing any of what I was feeling.

I wrote a first verse and chorus and kinda got stuck (crypticity left me). Fate then lent a hand and I dumped said lady, thus enabling me to write a far more “to the point” second verse. A new song playing on the radio describes yet another random inexplicable mental change of course that is oft called the woman’s prerogative but that I would refer to as mansbane. Well. Prerogative this, bitch. You’re dumped.

My singing sucks.


Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

Are ‘eyebeams’ analogue waves or are they digital (made up for the sake of quantum fruitcakes) particals?

Eyebeams are unique, they are neither analogue or digital, they are combination of the 2, they are danalogital, although they are made of 1’s and 0’s there are an infinite amount of the little fuckers. Oh yes.

Why would a fish try so hard to get underneath a filter that it’d get stuck under rubble and die?

Without examining your fish tank I cannot really say for certain however my educated guess would be that basically, they hate themselves, yes even fish have a subconnoman, unfortunately for them however, they only have a very limited capacity to stop the whims of their demon sides, this is why suicide is the biggest killer of fish. Bar none.

Who would win in a fight to the death? A Chimp with a knife, or a or an ape with a mace?

Another chance to use my patented “Thunderdomeatron” programme, however both the ape and the chimp refused to fight in my simulation, so I decided to run it for real, but again the monkey’s and apes refused to fight, it not until I raised the temperature of the floor to the melting point of iron did I get some action, you see was at this point both the ape and the monkey burst into flames and died within minutes, a disappointing stalemate. but fear not, a result was reached, the ape tasted a lot better than the monkey at the post experiment party and was hailed the winner by default.

Why are beans so high in fibre?

The question is not why are beans so full of fibre but why are fibre optics so full of beans, this is because beans are quite simply the best method of transferring optical information known in the universe, and this because they are basically made up of 99.99% fibre. The reason the beans are full of fibre is different question entirely.

I’d hit it. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Bill Wood Rocks – The Pub Song

This song was originally acoustic only and dedicated to my unrequited affection for one of my best friends mates. She, fortunately for both of us, remained unrequited (save the odd fumble) and in a rare moment of self respect I altered the theme of the song to the much more worthy subject of drinking a good pint of beer in a good pub.

This is a rough recording with all extra bits such as guitar 2, vocal harmonies and bass made up while I was recording it – there are a few mistakes – namely the lack of an intro (forgot to write the drums for that bit), vocals on chorus 1 and 2 being different and it being in totally the wrong key. In short, I was just testing my new mic but people seemed to like enough for me not to delete it. Thus, it still exists. I have no plans to rerecord so just be happy with the half assed version you have here.

My singing sucks.


Question of the Week : What’s your most embarrassing moment?

Every week the ObscureInternet Forum ponders a Question of the Week, this week it is what is your embarrassing moment?


It was a dark night. And I was pissed. Very pissed. And I am pretty damn certain somebody had put a little spikyness in my drink. Not that I minded. I just wish they had told me first.


I ended up (for some very unknown reason..) walking (or rather swaying like a dead swan) up to a house I had moved out of a few months previous.

Somehow, I managed to climb through a window, or something similar, and I ran around the house shouting at its new inhabitants to “get the fuck outta my house…arrgghhhh….wheres my bedroom gone…arrgghhhh…piss off get out out out” whilst trying to find “my” bedroom….which of course didnt exist any more. I was very confused, very upset, and ended up screaming and running around until I eventually ran outside and sat in the middle of the road crying my tears into the tarmac.

It wasnt my house anymore. And the new inhabitants were french and did not understand a word I was saying.

I eventually got a phone call from the landlady telling me to get off of her property. She also told me where I actually lived.

And I was embarassed.


One day at college, we were making stuff with play-do for a reason I can’t remember save for it was nothing to do with what we where supposed to be doing. Anyway, someone made a pretty decent looking severed finger with the play-do. So we decide to play a joke on the chip shop we were going to at lunch time while walking from one campus to another with me doing the joke playing.

So I walk into the chip shop and I order a bag of chips, and when the Wifey behind the counter hands them over I pretend to examine them and then pull out the severed finger saying ‘What is this?’ while holding it for all to see just as planned. However unlike the plan the Wifey behind the counter just stares blankly at me and this is point where I realise this was a completely stupid joke that wasn’t remotely funny, what a great gift hindsight is. I very quickly leave the shop without my change feeling a like proper bell end.


I once asked a paint chemist if all solvents are volatile, that was very embarrasing.


When I was 17 I had been out on the sauce for the night i came home managed to strip naked but didn’t quite make it to close the curtains or under the duvet… I woke up th efollowing morning naked ontop of my bed with the cutains open and the window cleaner cleaning my window… I was sprawlled out showing all I had for the window cleaner to see… i was so embarassed I couldn’t let him see I was awake so I just rolled over… letting him see my bum instead (or thinking of it now… as well he’d seen everything else)

Floppy George

A long time ago in a taxi far, far away….. (*STAR WARS THEME*)

Episode 6 and a half – THE FARTOM MENACE

It was a time of great trumoil, whilst on a drunken mission from a nightclub in Wakefield, the young Sith Lord Russbadarse and his entourage were travelling home in a taxicab. The young sith let one go in his trousers, unfortunately, he also followed through, but not letting on that he’d let off, kept quiet. It stunk the whole taxi out, even the poor pilot, eyes stinging, had to wind his window down. Cries of “Fuck me, who’s shit?!” were heard throughout the whole galaxy (Ford Galaxy) and the smell finally dissipated once the young Sith had disembarked from the vehicle, to his abode, where he cleaned himself up….

He must have had a bad pint!


I woke up bursting for a a piss in a BB whilst on the lash with the lads ona a weekend trip to Blackpool. The bog was just down the hall so walked there in just my boxers. When I returned to my room I found i had no key and was locked out. It would probably not have been a good idea to wake the landlord at that time in the morning. So being quite pissed and quite able to sleep anywhere, I decided to just sleep in the hall. I don’t really remeber this bit, but one of the lads in the room next door to me must have done the same thing but remembered his key and dragged me into his room. When I woke up in the morning, I was confused and didn’t even realise i was in a different room. I saw what I thought was my jeans on the floor and stuck my hand in the pocket looking for my nicotine fix. My mate must have just woke up and thought i was trying to rob him, till I explained. Not sure how you could explain that you have your hand in your mates jeans pocket but I managed it somehow and can’t remember to this day what i said. Anyway The embarrassing part was at breakfast when he told the rest of the lads and I really struggled with an explanation.


Pissing one – woke up in a puddle of my own urine in a hotel corridor at roughly 3AM about 4 weeks ago. I’m not proud. I blame the stella, all fourteen pints of it.

Eight of which were absorbed into the carpet.

Mamma Jamma

At the beginning of February I went out for a works leaving do where we went into Yates in Hartlepool. Haven’t been out round town for a while and was surprised to see a couple of poles on the dance floor. Me being me decided it would be fun to dance around one of them. All was going well, I was even swinging round it with one leg until I missed the pole and smacked the top of my thigh into it. Now I wasn’t drunk cos the pain was unreal. I had a small bruise on Sunday morning and a slight ache in my leg but the worst came on Monday when I had to go to work, I woke up with a lump and a bruise the size of a dinner plate at the top of my left thigh and could hardly walk. After lunch I couldn’t take it anymore so I took myself off to A&E to get checked. I was seen by the most gorgeous doctor ever to walk the halls of Hartlepool general and nearly died when I had to take my trousers down to show him my leg, poor guy did all he could not to laugh in my face as i explained what I’d done. Not content with that though after he tells me nothing is broken just pulled 95% of muscles/tendons in my leg I’m hobbling out of and A&E rather embarrassed when he shouts over “Oh miss Lawson, one last thing, next time you decide to try pole dancing please do us both a favour and have some lessons first” I felt like i was 13 again standing in front of the headmaster at school. I think my face was a purple as the bruise on my leg! Albeit I hobbled out of there as fast as my knackered leg could carry me.

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