Every dog has it’s day – Rocky

This weeks dog was recommended by Nic who thinks her Rocky has the ‘Eye of the Tiger’….


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Digital photo titled 29Digital photo titled 23Digital photo titled 33

I never actually wanted a dog, due to the fact that I work all day, like my freedom and am frankly, a wee bit lazy, but when Rocky (who I’d just like to point out from the off, was not named by myself) kind of fell into my lap, he just bowled me, literally, off my feet!

A bouncing, somewhat rock-solid, bundle of joy and fun, who loves nothing more than a good long walk, regular feeding, preferably of the human variety (that is to say of course, not actually feeding him humans, but the indulgement in the same culinary delights we ourselves enjoy), cheese being a particular favourite, closely followed by digestive biscuits

PlayPlay

The Urinater

“Herbert, get your fat arse in here right now” the high pitched screech of his wife of 27 years cut through the cigarette smoke filled air of the living room.

Herbert shifted his podgy body reluctantly from the tatty corduroy couch and shuffled his way towards the toilet, a half drunk can of ale clutched in his right hand, where Sally stood at the open door attired in her usual threadbare, wine stained dressing gown. He stood sullenly in front of her and with his eyes half cocked, gazed emptily at the peeling vinyl floor.
“What’s the matter my sweet?”

“What’s the matter? What’s the bloody matter?” Sally slapped the back of his head and pointed at the toilet, “that’s the matter you filthy pig, you been pissing standing up again, haven’t you?”
“No, I haven’t, my love, I promise,” he whined pathetically.

Sally grabbed his right ear and propelled him towards the open porcelain depositary. Thrusting his face just inches away from the brim, “look at this, yellow piss everywhere – here” she banged his forehead onto the soaked surround, “and here,” the stretched ear pulling his head over to the peeling mould riddled Donald Duck wall paper now dripping with pee.

“I’m a woman of class, you know! Or I was till I stupidly married you. Clean this up now and if it happens again there will be no more sex” With that she rammed Herbert’s head against the wall and stormed out.

“You can’t do that,” he wailed to her disappearing back, I have conjurers’ rights.”

“You will be needing a bloody conjurer to get your rocks off in the future, because my hole will vanish if I see that again, I am sick of you thinking yourself as Arnold Schwarzenegger starring in The Urinator, You will sit on the shitter or you can pull your pudding till judgement day,” she ranted as she went back into the living room to watch a repeat of Diet Doctors. She just loved seeing women with bodies worse than hers, especially those with fungi growing under the fat rolls of their stomachs.

“Today will be a day of great happenings – if today you have something to celebrate, go out and have fun.” Sally read out loud from the ‘Your Stars in the Sky’ column from The Sun newspaper. She read her star sign, Gemini, daily. Once when it had said it would be her lucky day she had bought a scratch card at the off licence and won 10.
“Herbert, it’s our 30th wedding anniversary. You can take me tonight to that new pub that’s opened on the High-Street, Mavis says it’s very posh. I’ll give her a ring and get her and Albert to meet us there.”

Herbert didn’t mind. Albert was an all right sort of bloke and if Sally got pissed enough he might get his way, especially as he had been sitting diligently for a pee the last three years. Besides, she would natter local gossip for hours with Mavis and leave him in peace for a change. “What a good idea, my lotus blossom,” he replied.

“Another pint of your best larger and a packet of crisps, landlord,” Herbert said to the balding man behind the bar. He was well pleased and well drunk. The evening was going fine. He looked around at the dcor. Things had changed since the smoking ban had been introduced and the pub had been completely converted to accommodate a different class of clientele. It wasn’t his scene but times are a’ changing and even he could see that a lot of money had been invested in the high tech gadgetry of high definition televisions liberally scattered on the walls between Andy Warhol prints. He felt a bit out of place amongst the well dressed and glowingly healthy drinkers seated on black leather armchairs around shining stainless steel designer tables, but he didn’t care. Sally’s voice had become increasingly louder with every glass of gin and tonic she drank, hardly noticing that Herbert had ordered a triple shot at every opportunity. Things were going to plan and the thought of squeaking bed springs later on permeated his befuddled mind with carnal lust.

“I will be back in a moment my dear, just going to the toilet”, he announced as he placed the drinks on their table. Herbert’s years of boozing meant that he could drink at least eight pints before needing to relieve himself. Sally ignored him and he wandered off. Entering the MENS, he whistled with amazement. Everything in stainless steel, with matching black marble wash basins tops, the urinals were perfectly flush mounted, the fixings hidden beneath the highly polished slabs of sandstone. Out of habit he headed for the toilet, only to find the door locked and from the soft farting and appreciative grunts emitting from under the door, he concluded the occupant was having a serious session of internal cleansing that could last a while. Herbert needed to relieve himself fast; the pain of his gigantically swollen bladder was getting through even his numbed nervous system.

Sally only noticed Herbert’s absence when her glass had stood empty for half an hour and as she looked around for him, several heavily equipped firemen entered the premises, startling even Mavis into silence in the middle of a description of her athlete’s foot. There seemed to be some commotion near the entrance to the public toilets and Sally’s curiosity got the better of her and after a moments of gazing around looking for her absent husband she decided to see what was going on, when suddenly the high pitched screams of Albert could be heard above the excited babble and delirious laughter of the packed pub.

Using her bulk, Sally forced her way through the tightly packed crowd of on-lookers till she had finally struggled her way to the open door of the MENS. There she finally found Herbert, bent double, his face almost touching his knees, his trousers down to his ankles and his large backside stuffed deeply into the oval of one of the shining urinals. His shrieks of agony audible even above the incredible noise of the two massive angle grinders the fireman were using to cut through the sides of the chrome tempered steel that held him fast in its grip. Through the massive twin arcs of sparks spraying around him and the pain of burning iron filings floating down like sparklers to melt into his thinning scalp, Albert caught the eyes of his astonished wife and screeched his frustration –

“This is all your fault you stupid cow, and now they’re frying my sausage and fucking eggs!”

HansIsland 28 – ObscureInternet Special

Obscureinternet make a visit to Hansisland via a Hotel room and several bottles of Red Wine. Subjects ranging from Stephen Hawkings famous quote Ration the Coke to grey squirrels being the source of all evil. Podsafe and homemade music kindly from Bill Wood. The blonde one out of Cagney and Lacey is obviously a time traveller. Links to the 90s pop music people Hanson have had to be included on the hansisland website due to a slight misunderstanding.

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/audio/hansisland-2006-10-10-75789.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

The Birds and the Bees
Do birds really fall in love with bees?

No, its pure lust, the horny little fuckers.

The Birds and the Bees II
Getting back to the birds and bees falling in love, the song states that “even educated flees do it”. Who is educating these flees? How come ive never seen a flee university / college / school? Are the government training these flees? I recently saw an advert for “flee mail” – is this some sort of flee propagana? What level of education do they have to reach to fall in love?

Cole Porter was taking liberties with nature there, flee’s don’t get educated, thats crazy talk, they are already far more advanced at birth than any educational institution could possibly hope to achieve. Again this has been covered in a previous question regarding quantum physics.

Gammon Balls
Why are gammon steaks always cut into a circular fashion? Why cant we have start shaped? Or Pig Shapes?

You’ve stumbled on a disturbing fact about gammon, it is not acually pigs its made out of its… you know what, I’ll let you work it out.

Milk Piss
If I eat grass all day, will I wee milk?

No but you might hemorrhage blood. As with sweetcorn ,grass shares many similar attributes to metal, cows can eat it as their second stomach is actually a fully operational foundry.

Full metal Banana
Why do bananas come in protective “skins” – what have they got to hide. And for that matter, why cant you buy tinned bananas?

That

Hoff News – Diana wanted to Jump in the Hoffs Car

The Hoff has sensationally revealed in his awesome new autobiography, “Making Waves” that Princess Diana wanted to shag him but he says he resisted her charms because he was a married man.

The Knightrider actor”s book reveals Diana was “smitten” when he met her at a London charity event in 1993.
“She was smitten with me since I am so tall. I was smitten with her since she was so tall” he said, missing out the fact that he she was also attracted to him because he was so awesome.

The Hoff insists there was a sexual attraction and the pair would have boned like rabbits together “if circumstances had been different.”

David a who has never been an alcoholic, who recently divorced his ungrateful bitch of a wife Pamela, added the Princess joked: “You look much better with your clothes on,” and David replied: “Well Ma”am, so do you.”
This cheeky remark made Diana apparently burst into a fit of giggles and blush, he said.

The Hoff claims he could sense Diana”s pain over her failed marriage to the much less awesome Prince Charles.

“I probably would have gone after her if circumstances had been different. In the end, I just wanted to be a friend and to hang out with her,” he said.

The late Princess isn”t the only one who comes into the line of fire, The Hoff also lets slip that singer Elton

City hustlers who scourge the.

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John lusted after him as they shared a concert bill in Germany.

In other Hoff News, following the success of the advertising campaign for broadband provider Pipex, our lord and master returns to the UK for a new project – the release of his latest single ‘Jump In My Car’.
Pipex uses The Hoff”s resurging popularity in the UK on its recent ‘Powered by Pipex’ campaign, and aims to inject a further boost by releasing the star”s “Jump In My Car”  single in October. 

“Since Pipex signed him to become the face of their new marketing campaign for 2006/7, interest in the “Jump In My Car” track has skyrocketed, gathering an army of fans around the country. Pipex has now bowed to the pressure from fans to release the single in the UK, as part of a newly funded venture entitled Skintight Recordings,” say the dodgy ISP.

Mike Read, CEO of Pipex said: “David needed no encouragement when we approached him about the release of ‘Jump in My Car’. He is delighted that fans liked the Pipex advert and said he’d love to release ‘Jump in my car’ in the UK”.

In a survey commissioned by Pipex earlier this year, The Hoff was voted “King of the Internet”. The survey found that he was the star most searched for on the Internet. The survey also revealed that ‘The Hoff’ is the male star most likely to feature in emails – with 30% of young people emailing The Hoff to friends, family and colleagues.

The new single ‘Jump in My Car’ is set for release on Skintight Records in early October, and was premiered exclusively on Radio One by DJ Scott Mills.

To watch the ‘Powered By Pipex’ ads go to: www.pipex.com 

To watch the ‘Jump In My Car’ music video go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibEdNCLyirE

An idiots dietary guide to becoming an obese imbecile.

Fluid Intake.

Do drink copious amounts of alcohol and whenever possible between ‘sleeping it off’. A large beaker of spirits such as cheap vodka and gin make great chasers after every fourth pint of beer. This is a cheaper and more effective alternative to the fancy coloured drinks sold in test tubes. Alcohol decreases the brain functions to the point you dribble out your mouth, urinate in your trousers, fall down constantly, acquire amazing blurred vision and you tend to be incapable of speech, never mind sex. In this condition you will stand out in a crowd and feel like a million dollars.

Start your children off on drinking booze at an early age. Three serving spoons of Baileys Irish Cream liqueur in an infants bottle will keep the little dear from screaming its head off whilst you ‘sleep it off’. When they get older you can possibly have sex with some of your children’s friend’s brothers and sisters. However there are legal restrictions but a general guide is; if it is drunk and has an ASBO; shag it.

Young adolescents should start becoming expert binge drinkers by the age of 16. This way they will mix better with the other loud mouth yobs throwing up on the street on Saturday night and it will give them courage to steal cars, rob houses and the old British favourite – pugilism.

Mixing fizzy drinks with spirits is allowed. Recommended are caffeine rich drinks to get the heart really racing around to push the booze through your swollen liver. You will also notice that your kidneys will work better by no longer allowing yellow smelly stuff out but only clear fluids that froth like the head of a good pint of Guinness.

Please remember water is bad for you, fish do filthy things in it (sex and going to the toilet) and the water treatment plants smell of faeces and they put chemicals in.

Cow milk is for baby cows. Human mother’s milk is fine as long you are over 14, male and with one of your mate’s mothers.

Fruit juices for taste, such as in cocktails from cheap all inclusive hotels, may be drunk as the juice is totally synthesised from chemicals and helps to increase the urge to drink more of them.

Highly inflammable liquids such as petrol, paint stripper and white spirits, are cheap, fast alternatives than normal alcohol. They make the brain feel lighter and clear the naval passages. It is advisable to get advice with regards to lighting a cigarette if you happen to be one of the 90% of smokers.

Food Intake.

Do eat as many fast food hamburgers and chips fried in very old oil and put in sweaty soft buns. They are high in nutrients needed to make your body blow up like a balloon and thus soften the falls onto the main road as you stagger home from the pub. It also saves you having to climb stairs and you can just lie on the living room sofa ‘sleeping it off’. It is handy to have a dog to eat up any mess you hurl up on the carpet. The increase of flatulence will impress your friends with its aroma and pleasant musical tunes reminiscent to the opening theme from Star Wars.

Do absorb as many sugars as possible, such as Ice-cream, chocolate, sticky cakes and toffees. This helps to combat the small amounts of fluoride found in some beers and helps create a personal artistic smile of rotting stumps smelling like a sewer. A further touch is the appearance of random large yellow putrid spots on the face and body. These are of high entertainment value as they burst all over the bathroom mirror when you squeeze them.

Eat as much meat as you like, preferably half raw accompanied by chips, deep-fried onion rings and 3 fried eggs served with brandy or whisky sauces. The remnants taste delicious mopped up with slices of lard covered thick white bread made from processed flour.

Stay away from any foods with odd colours; such as green, dark yellow, orange, purple, (unless its old beef, in which case that’s fine) as these tend to be foods that animals such as rabbits and monkeys eat. Usually off yellow (as in chips) or red (as in bloody meat) is all the colour you need to put in your pale spotty face. Fatty beef Vindaloo curries are exceptionally good in assisting you sweat out unwanted salts and improves bowel movement.

Drug Intake.

Smoking 40 a day increases the likely hood of a sexy voice as heard in Big Brother contestants. (That’s the program you have on the television as you lie on the couch ‘sleeping it off’.
All other forms of illegal drugs are fine so long as the benefits cheque covers them. A cheap high is to get some anti-depressants from the doctor. Taken in quantity with alcohol it enables you to stare at Big Brother for hours without blinking and not have care in the world.
Growing your own dope is an excellent way to stay in a paranoid schizophrenic mode almost 24/7. Details are freely available on the web and the equipment is readily stolen from high street stores.

Benefits of this diet.

1. You are unemployable, you but don’t give a shite. No boss man to tell you what to do. You have complete control over your destiny and feel splendid about your life.
2. You have lots of friends who agree with you, especially the ones dossing in your decaying decrepit council house.
3. You die early, thus spoiling your children’s chances of stealing any more benefit cheques and they will have to apply for their own.
4. You receive free morphine from the NHS whilst dying in a hospital bed especially strengthened at enormous cost for your weight.
5. Never need to see a dentist or a doctor as you always feel fine.
6. You can sleep in till 11 when the pubs open.
7. You have many children and grand children that all love you and match your life style.

Courses are freely available in most corner pubs where fellow intuitionalists will give you handy hints on what else is available to claim for.

For more information please go to our web site:

www.fatandstupid.co.uk

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Bird in the hand
Could you please explain why a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

Simple fiscal policy. If you go to Hand a bird is worth 20, however if you travel to Bush the exchange rate is much higher and you get approx 40 for it. Hope they are all as easy as this.

Coppercorn
Considering how far the human race has come along over the years, evolving from monkeys and that, how come we cant digest something as simple as sweetcorn?

Sweetcorn has only been around 40 years, it was initially invented as a long term alternative to copper, however it was discovered that its electrical conductive qualities were, in the words of McCarthy, shite, and it was quickly rebranded as a healthy tasty alternative to broccoli, although no mention can now be found regarding its origins it still retains some of its copperesqe qualitys as in the fucking thing does not digest at all.

Abode Fuckwits
Why are Adobe fucking idiots also why did they buy Macromedia who are not fucking idiots, and then fucking idiot their software up.

I spoke directly to Adobe CEO Jeff Kelling and asked your question, he stipulated categorically that a bad tradesman blames his tools. I tend to agree.

Technet Boreletter
Why did I think I needed to get TechNet Newsletter ?

Basically, you hate yourself, your sub-concious is finding new and more excrutiating ways to torture you, its latest offense apparntly includes forcing you to subscrinbe to useless detritus that you will never read.

The Shits
Why has the last week been the shits?

See above, I have never known a person with such a destructive sub-concious as you my friend. I may have to write a paper on you.

They Water?
You know when people say “they say you should drink 3 litres of water a day”, or something along those lines, who are “they”???

They are very powerful people that you should not be asking questions about.

But since you did! They are small cabal of indepentatly wealthy widowers who are based in Kendal, they meet thrice a year to decide what the UK will eat and drink for the next 4 months, they are lobbied by the likes of Tesco’s and Aldi to promote certain types of food and drink, you remember when they told you that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Uhuh, what is now, its 5! 5 a day. Within the decade they will be telling you that if you don’t eat at least 25 packs of walkers crisps your eyes will dissolve.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

X-Factor Week Four

Firstly, if anyone does actually read these articles that is, apologies for missing week 3, I inadvertently misplaced the recording I had (ie: I recorded Lost over the top of it by accident), hey, we’re all human!

The “X” factor – lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to what exactly the X factor might be, well, maybe a few minutes the other day anyway. Is it really what the judges would have us believe, that someone can have a certain joi de vivre, mixed with a spoonful of va va voom, which results in producing a unique type of person who is not only talented, but has a magical appeal about them at the same time? Nah, course not, the X factor applies to the people out there that REALLY entertain us – the talentless, deluded individuals that bring a smile to our lips week after week while the auditions are on. I salute these weird, mad and wonderful human beings, who in my opinion, have the real X factor running through their veins! And what is it in our own genetic makeup that enables us to take such delightful satisfaction in other people’s misery? Well, maybe that’s one to ponder on till next week…

As usual, we start by touching briefly upon the actual talent, which I have to say was particularly thin on the ground this week, in fact I can only recall 2 that showed any signs of being able to actually hold a note. First we had Ben, great performance of a Sam Cooke classic followed by lots of gushy compliments from the panel that had him squirming with embarrassment, perhaps the gushiness was so over the top because of the re-appearance of plastic Paula and her cheesy American drawl. But who does he look like though? I’ve been racking my brains ever since watching it and all I can come up with is some kind of hybrid mix of Neil from The Young Ones and Michael Bolton, again, maybe it’s just me….

The only other notable talent of the show, came in the form of Robert, who this week raked in the sympathy factor by the bucket. I’ll say this once again, IT IS NOT NECESSARY, and is in fact getting very tedious, however, he was very good and deserves a mention. Perhaps the worst appeal for sympathy ever though, was the violins playing in the background for poor Janet, who’d broken her back several months ago…pulllease…and even more disturbing, she got through!

This week saw a reverie of Robbie Williams tunes being mutilated beyond belief, a horde of geriatrics, peculiarly getting through to the next round, and did anyone spot a brief appearance of Minty from Eastenders?!?!?

Now normally when we see 3 black girls, who sing at every family occasion and claim to be the equivalent of Alisha Keyes, Aretha Franklin and Nina Simone, we can kick back and enjoy a few minutes of soulful harmony, but what the…..”You Give Me Fever”, no chance, you give me that same feeling I get when hearing nails being scraped down a blackboard! It was like the 3 blind mice and metamorphosed into human form….

There was David, the warehouse worker and his spasmodic rendition of “Wherever I Lay my Hat”, had he swallowed his hat? Was he trying to cough it back up, is that why he constantly jerked his head on every second word? I have to say I didn’t even know what he was singing till over half way through!

Anthony – KNOWS he has the X Factor, after all he has the looks (?), the personality (?), and just wants to share his talent with the rest of us mere mortals….and once again, “Angels” is crucified before our very eyes. Anthony sees himself “abroad” and we can only hope….poor chap was simply broken hearted (his words) at not making it through, not sure what condition his heart is in, but his eardrums are certainly in need of a full examination!

This week’s award however, posed a quandary, I really was stuck between 2 stars of this week’s show. After much deliberation and cogitation, 2nd place goes to “Rockin” Rick, the 48 year old, side burned, seriously quiffed Butlins dishwasher, a career spanning 30 years no less! With his pulled up trousers, possibly to impress Simon of course, his yellow teeth and the biggest ears I have seen since Noddy and his “companion” turned their backs on Toy Town, his “Love Me Tender” had me chuckling away into my chenin blanc, ah, he was magic…

I finally decided 1st place however, just had to go to Trevor the security guard – the man is a legend, his zombie-like performance of “Let Me Entertain You” was absolute comic magic, as Simon stated, possibly the most inappropriate song ever chosen! Well Trevor, to me you are a star, please let him make it to the group of rejects they always get together at the end…!

Every dog has it’s day – Alex

This weeks dog was recommended by Phillipa who thinks her Alex is ‘simply the best’….


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Digital photo titled 29Digital photo titled 23Digital photo titled 33

Born: January 29, 1996
Adopted: March 1996
Breed: Samoyed
Weight (April 1997): 70 lbs.

I was terribly saddened after my divorce, but my Alex always cheers me up. I get lost in the never-ending white Samoyed fur and the sandy dirt in my bed. As I mire under the weight of life, I tend to become numb to that sammy smile. Thank you for melting that all away for a while!

People who have never been loved by a special dog have a very hard time with that statement. People who have had a devoted dog in their lives never question it.

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Does your dog deserve to ‘have his day’ then send an email to dogsday@ObscureInternet.com telling us why your pooch is so special and some pictures and everyone could be celebrating your dogs day.

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X-Factor Week Two

54321… it’s week 2 and the loonies just keep on coming!

As usual, we must start with a nod in the direction of the proper talent and this week, there was no shortage. Firstly we had Darryl, very cool and a good voice to boot, but needs to steer clear of scary Sharon, must she really insist on cuddling all the cute young boys, it’s borderline molestation!

Next up we had the strangest rendition, or rather, narration, of “From Paris to Berlin”, which led nicely into the very cute, very talented, very YOUNG Paris in the flesh (and not of the Hilton variety, thank goodness!), who bravely fronted up to the panel and gave it her all, knocked them off their feet and then managed to achieve what no other auditionee, good or bad, has ever achieved before…she wiped every smug look from their faces and rendered each and every one of them speechless! Well done Paris, and good luck for the future!

Then we have Raymond. Cute smile, and definitely gave the judges a “kick in the head” with his rendition of the Dean Martin classic, certainly wasn’t what Simon was expecting from the look on his face, but although I liked him, I just couldn’t stop thinking that there was a good chance that he was David Sneddon clawing his way back under the guise of a scouse accent…maybe it’s just me.

Lastly, and I have to say my favourite, notable talent of the evening, was the extremely handsome Richard, what a smile! But again, must we cash in on the “sympathy” factor every time a contestant takes the producers’ fancy? After all, there is no need, if they’re good enough, they will last the journey, simple as that!

Right then, pleasantries out of the way, lets move on…

This week seen all kinds of weird and wonderful performances, from the young through to the old, but first mention though, just has to go to the delight that is (in his own words, granted) the raw-talented, singing, and dancing Warren! What a fringe, what a dazzling dance act, what a set of pins, what a vision of what a grown up Sophie Webster may turn out to be like, what a load of hysterical bollocks! Camper than a pink latex-clad Dale Winton, “This Time I know it’s For Real”, is he for real?!?!?!? As amusing it appears to the casual onlooker, it is with a heavy heart that I state, unfortunately, that Warren is indeed for real, and must surely have set himself up for a severe beating each time he turns up in a public place, still, maybe then he might stop mincing around believing he can sing and do himself, as well as the rest of the world a huge favour at the same time.

Moving on to Bristol, and Simon is feeling optimistic. Oh dear….along comes 57 year old David, the 5th Beatle no less, giving us his very own unique betrayal of “Sexy Lady”, all I can say is, whoever she is, poor lady…..John Lennon must be turning in his grave in regretful remorse at what the Beatles COULD have been if only David had been included in the line-up of possibly the most successful band of all time, bummer…Still, it’s nice to know that David knows his limits eh!

Staying in the older category, we are then presented with 62 year old George…now I’m not sure if George is actually quite clever, or whether he is possibly the worst potential contestant I have ever seen. I mean, his choice of song – “The Wonder of You”, says it all really, with it’s opening lines of “when no-one else can understand me”, of course no-one else can understand you George, you can’t even speak, never mind sing! Maybe next time he should try it with his teeth out instead, lets face it, it couldn’t be any more torturous to listen to could it? Or could it…

Kylie. I’ve thought long and hard about this one, but I cannot honestly come up with the appropriate words to describe this young lady, there are none that would do it justice! The only thing that I did wonder about, was whether her friends and family were actually crying at her awful, cringe worthy singing, as they all seemed to start the moment she opened her mouth, therefore, the only conclusion to reach is that yes, indeed, her singing reduced her nearest and dearest to tears of woe. However, at least Kylie appeared to be not quite as disillusioned as her mother, (I mean I know you love your children more than anything in the world, but is she blind?), until that is, she turned all “gangsta” on us and stormed off to live her dream, well to her a dream, to us a nightmare…

But, despite the efforts of all of the above, the award of the 2nd week extravaganza goes to Vicky, Louis Walsh’s number one fan…The look on Louis’ face when the chipmunk-like lass bounded into the room, heading straight for her hero was absolutely hilarious, he looked seriously scared to say the least. The poem that Simon kindly giggled out was genius and the girl herself turned out to be not too bad either, I liked her anyway and she gets my top award this week.

However, I cannot sign off without thanking the show for giving us an old Darren Day and a fat Brian May to end off a thoroughly enjoyable instalment, I’m loving it, roll on week 3!