Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

The Birds and the Bees
Do birds really fall in love with bees?

No, its pure lust, the horny little fuckers.

The Birds and the Bees II
Getting back to the birds and bees falling in love, the song states that “even educated flees do it”. Who is educating these flees? How come ive never seen a flee university / college / school? Are the government training these flees? I recently saw an advert for “flee mail” – is this some sort of flee propagana? What level of education do they have to reach to fall in love?

Cole Porter was taking liberties with nature there, flee’s don’t get educated, thats crazy talk, they are already far more advanced at birth than any educational institution could possibly hope to achieve. Again this has been covered in a previous question regarding quantum physics.

Gammon Balls
Why are gammon steaks always cut into a circular fashion? Why cant we have start shaped? Or Pig Shapes?

You’ve stumbled on a disturbing fact about gammon, it is not acually pigs its made out of its… you know what, I’ll let you work it out.

Milk Piss
If I eat grass all day, will I wee milk?

No but you might hemorrhage blood. As with sweetcorn ,grass shares many similar attributes to metal, cows can eat it as their second stomach is actually a fully operational foundry.

Full metal Banana
Why do bananas come in protective “skins” – what have they got to hide. And for that matter, why cant you buy tinned bananas?

That

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