Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

It ain’t Over
Why are opera singers always fat?

That’s not strictly true, there are many thin opera singers, however they are all crap, you see to be a truly great singer you have to be 20+ stone, and the reason for this is purely scientific.

The fact is skin can only stretch so far, after critical mass is attained the body needs to store the surplus jelly in other places, and because of the way vocal chords are designed they make an ideal place to hang fat, you can imagine them as a sort of washing line for blubber. The extra girth added to the vocal chords enables the singers to reach hitherto impossible notes.

They sing like Angels, but the down side is they talk, and look like jabber the hut.

Put it on
What garment did people wear to do all their thinking before the thinking cap was invented?

The thinking cap was invented in 1463 Leonardo da Vinci (Then a young 11 year old) prior to this the bulky “Contemplation Cod Piece” was needed to solve chin scratching problems (incidentally the term chin scratcher came after the thinking cap was invented, before this they known as cock itchers)

Fire, Fire, I give you to Burn
Why is fire called fire?

It used to be called “Fluffy Safe Light” but after numerous mishaps Alexander the Great decreed that a more apt word be used, so scholars combined the Persian word for Fucking “Fie” and the Belgium word for hot “Rei” and created the now famous word “Fire”.

Bastard Speed Cameras
Why speed cameras?

After several thousand failed attempts by police to paint a picture on canvas of cars that broke the law they decided to embrace technology and use cameras to catch people who could not grasp the concept of speed restrictions.

Erect Period!
Who invented the comma?

The , was not invented it is actually a male semi-colon, the , and the ; are require to create a . A . is probably the most sexually active of all grammar, which you can see when the . becomes fully aroused and turns into a !

Sand n Pepper and Lard
What Happened to Salt N Pepper?

The legendary Salt n Pepper engorged themselves on high protein high fat diets and now spend them time equally between singing Opera and doing Voice-overs on adverts for Jerry Bruckheimer films.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Scribbler’s Live World Cup commentary

By me, and I don’t follow footy.

French have scored a penalty (7m Zidane), and with 19 mins gone, the itilians have equalised (Materazzi). I’d have started this earlier, but I couldn’t be bothered switching on the lappy.

21 mins, and the neighbours have just gone out.

23 mins, looks like he’s forgotten something. I overhear the wifey saying “We’re gonna be late!” Wonder where they’re going.

27 mins. Ooooh. A corner for Italy. Camoramesi has a daft ponytail. I think that’s how you spell it.

30 mins. Meh, I think I’l go get a can of Stella. Wonder if Motty is wearing his sheepskin jacket. And what do they do with the balls after the match has finished?

38 mins. I return! Can in hand, although, I nearly settled for a glass of water. I’m full of cold. How can I be full of cold on the hottest week of the year?

39 mins. Motson: “It’s still a sweltering night here” (Camera cuts to a picutre of a fit blonde) Other commentator: “Getting hotter!” Mmmm. Nothing like casual sexism.

43 mins. 2 added minutes of stoppage time. Ah, the neighbours are back. She’s carrying a blue bag. Looks as if they may have just been to the indian I’ve not had a madras for ages. Actually, that might clear my nose out…..

Half time! Phew.

So, that’s my setup, for those wo where wondering. The teams have arrived for the second half to the sound of Dario G’s “Carnival de Paris”. And there’s the whistle. This keyboard keeps missing letters. I’m going to get my USB one

48 mins, a corner for Italy entirely wasted!

49 mins. Cor, nice moves from Henry there. Corner for France hammered about the box a bit, then over the bar…

51 mins: The crowd are singing “Carnival De Paris” now. I wonder if Dario G’ll get royalties for that….


54 minutes: Viera’s injured. Unsurprisingly, the stadium is sold out, with a capacity of 64,000. And Viera’s coming off……

61 mins: IT’S A GOOOOOOoooh, no it’s not.

63 mins: Henry shoots! He doesn’t score!!!

66 mins: Vileda shoots, and misses. But succeeds in hitting the suspension work of the camera crane

73 mins. Tony handballs, then hits another players leg with his own.And now he’s hurt. Boo hoo.

75 mins. I’m off to the loo. Bet I miss a goal. I’ll wait for this free kick…. which goes nowhere. Right, back in a sec

79 mins: I return, empty. The score is still 1-1. Woo.

80 mins: Zimmerframe Zidane’s on the floor. Is he going off? They’ve taken him off the pitch. And he’s back on. What a waste of time typing this update was.

85: Ukelele passes to Zidane Who passes it, in turn, to Italy.

87: Ah, ithe spelling was Camoranesi. Thank you, helpful BBC caption. He’s just been substituted.

89: Apparently, one of the French players is under suspicion of killing Sophie Ellis Bextor. Police are treating is as murder on Zidane’s floor.

So, now it goes to Extra time….. Time for a piss.

Extra time has kicked off, just in time for me to come hurtling down the stairs and almost twat my head off the front door. As I can’t be arsed working out the 90 minutes plus extra time, so I’ll just start from 0 again

0 mins. They’ve kicked off. The crowd are singing some song I recognise. “Wooooah, woah, woah, woah woooah. Off an advert……

5 mins. You know, it’s quite misleading these camera angles. It appears that the penalty box line is 3 feet off the ground. Because each time two opposing players cross this penalty box line, they both trip over it and go hurtling to the ground for no good reason.

10 mins: Ribery was inches away. I’m glad to see that a small about of inces make a difference. ahem. Anyway, ribery has been substitused for… er, trezuget? something like that?

14: Oooh. Sizane was close. but it didn’t go in. So, therefore it was shit.

19: Zimmerframe Zidane’s been shown a red card! Ho ho ho! Unarguable. You headbutt someone in the chest, you deserve to be sent off. It’s the end of his international career! How unfortunate! Come on Italy!

25: It’s now a chorus of boos when Italy touch the ball, and cheers when France touch it. I’d have thought the big screens would have played back what the violent bastard did?

28: Zidane is the 4th person to be sent off in the World Cup final. But surely the first one for headbutting an opposing player in the chest…..

30: Only Fools and Horses will follow the end of this match. I don’t think I’ll do a running commentary on that. Looks like it’s down to penners, then. Italy have won. But if France win, does that mean Ziane will lift the cup? Let’s fucking hope not.


My question has just been asked, so it isn’t just me thinking that. Either way, I don’t want France to win.

The PA system in the stadium is playing “Is the Way To Armadillo”. How totally inappropriate.

Italy, first penalty…… scored

France, first penalty… scored

Italy, second penalty. scored

France, second penalty, MISSES!

Italy, third penalty, Back of the net!

France, third penalty, Back of the net! God, I’m sounding like Alan Partridge…

Italy, fourth, scored.

Let’s hope France miss……. AND THEY….. don’t. Fuckers.

If italy score this next one, they’ll win. AND THEY DO!! Hurrah. Thank fuck for that. The telly is back to normal as of tomorrow.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s not Only Fools and Horses. It’s only fools ON horses. What a complete waste of airtime that programme is.


The players get presented their models to the tune of Bob Sinclair’s “Love Generation”.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Building a Stairway to…
Why do we call them steps when they are outside, yet we call them stairs when they are inside buildings?

Its all down the 1604 banister tax introduced by King James VI in order to fund his fresh trout fetish.

Basically the Scottish fucker introduced an edict that meant that all houses with stairs with banisters, either inside or out had pay 3 fresh trout per set of stairs a month. Obviously the English Barons wanted to save a bit cash and so demolished all banisters on stairs on the exterior of the house (they would of done the same to the interior stairs as well if not for the 1304 health and safety in the mansion act which prohibits any interior stairs not to have a banister).

King James got whiff of this and changed the banister tax to Stair tax, but very quickly the gentry re-retaliated to this by claiming in parliament that the exterior stairs were in fact called “Steps” (apparently this term was coined on the fly by the lobbyist spokesperson) making them exempt from the Stair Tax. King James finally conceded defeat and the tax was abolished, however the banisters on the exterior “steps” were never replaced for ascetic reasons and the name stuck.

Why can’t ants walk in a straight line?

Because they are permantly drunk. The entire species are utter pissheads.

Why do women have multiple orgasms but us guys don’t?

We do, your not doing it right. Try using a sponge on your genitalia.
Its a proven fact that the beating of the choanocytes’ flagella makes the sponge secrete a toxin that will give men multiple orgasms.

Can chimps snore?

They can and do! During the 60’s the US army used amplified chimp snores as a sonic cannon during the little known Bay of Chimps campaign. The so called Chimpinator was dropped as a viable weapon after complaints from soldiers who found carrying a simian with a trumpet stapled to its mouth unwieldy, several of the Chimpinator prototypes escaped prompting several complaints from neighbours. The only living example of a chimpinator can be found in Northern Ireland and is currently the Leader of the Democratic Unionist Party.

Oh No!
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?

No, it’s not a monster, it’s a train. However I can see your confusion as it is a train with a monster driving it.

Purly Purples
Why are teeth white and not say blue or purple.

During the Palaeozoic age, when apes were transfugaling into men, many mutants, or “freaks” as the ape-man called them had many different colours of teeth. Sadly these freaks were killed at birth because the ape-man thought they were villains, eventually evolution won out and only White teeth ape-man were left in the gene-pool. Occasionally people are born with multi-coloured teeth, a kind of genetic throw back, however even in these enlightened times they are seen as ne’er-do-wells and are kept under lock and key on a small island just off the coast of Belgium.

Paint the Whole World with a Rainbow.
Why have I never found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, even though I could really do with the extra cash???

Although no-one has found these pots of gold we know for a fact they exist as a simple calculation of how much gold is in the world in total and how much gold we can see shows a massive discrepancy, which can only be accounted for if we figure in the pots of gold (sometimes referred to as Dark Gold) at the end of Rainbows.

Speculation in the scientific community regarding how much gold are in these pots has caused many rifts, some violent, which culminated in the now famous “Rainbow Treaty” A treaty which conservative estimates stipulate has saved the lives of over 100,000 people.
My advice to you is keep reaching for the rainbow, not only will you become wealthy you will also no doubt win the Noble prize for Physics and Peace.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.

Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 011

In Hamburg protesting against the Freedom of the Seas cruise liner. Leaking oildrums is not a good idea for floating your banner on. Jespers friend in trouble with the police for eating flowers. What a dipstick.


Hansisland 026

Timetravel, SUVs and Orgone energy are discussed in true Hansisland Fashion ie. Robert doesn’t completely know what he is talking about. Whats with the postman encouraging dogs to chew mail? Where did that come from? Enjoy


Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Why does bottled water have labels that say something like “Buxton Natural Mineral Water flows naturally to the surface having filtered for 5000 years through the ancient limestone of the Peak District” yet the best before date on the bottle says November 2007??

Does this mean water can only last 5002 years before going mouldy? And if so why did they leave it in the ground for 5000 years before putting it in a bottle??

I have thoroughly researched this issue and have come to the conclusion that bottle water manufacturers are cynical, lying, money grabbing cocks-sucking mother-fuckers.

Where do they get the seeds from to make seedless grapes?

Seedless grapes is a misnomer, they actually start life with seeds, each grape then undergoes a seedectomy by trained grape surgeons before being reattached to the vine prior to picking. The enourmous cost of this procedure is why many of the grape growing countries are in economic and social meltdown, indeed the outspoken social commentator Darkus Howe has stated that the seedless grape is the single biggest threat to humanity in 21st century and could, if left unchecked, be the cause of the most cataclysmic and last human war in Earths history. There would also be repercussions to the production of Ribena.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Why do stars twinkle in the night sky?

Ah, the age old question. The reason they twinkle in the night sky is because they actually do twinkle. Each star has a Twinkleosity rating. 1 being not very twinkly and, 100 being very twinkly. The sun for example is rated 24. Sirius is 98, it twinkles like a bastard. I think the real question is why they twinkle in the first place.

And this is when things get funky.

The working theory is that a race of hyper intelligent beings called Boops, spent billions of years carefully altering the chemical content of the stars in order to synchronise the twinkleosity, after the completion of the mammoth aeon spanning task, you were able, if stood in the right place in the universe, to see the message “Boops was here” spelt in flashing stars.

The Big Question
Oh Professor I would drink at the fountain of your enlightenment.

1) When you consider that of all of the sperm your fathers nutsack has generated over the years of his life, including those that have split over onto the bed sheet, various ply tissues, the underside of his desk in the office, that have dripped from your mother and also those that have been wasted upon the stony ground, consider this: How small is the chance of that one sperm that is part of you (the royal you) being the one to fertilise your mothers egg?

2) Of all of the eggs that your mother has emitted from her honey bucket that have languished forgotten on some gusset or towelette or other mysterious female device, consider this: How small is the chance of that one egg that is part of you (the royal you) being the one that is fertilised by your father sperm?

3) The very fact that we as individuals exist at all is astounding. Now consider this stretching back to the beginning of time, an amazing collage of coincidence that has resulted in each one of us being who we are, a coincidence that becomes exponentially more incredible with every passing generation.

But, the bones of my question does not end here.

4) If time is supposed to be infinite, the fact that our 80 year window of consciousness is taking place at this precise moment is beyond the powers of my feeble comprehension.

So, the question is, what the fuck is all that about? When we die do we get transported back to the beginning, or once our consciousness has ceased does existence merely vanish and are generations past and future also existing at this very moment in time?

Until I have the answer I will be unable to produce milk.

So you want me to answer the question of life, the universe, everything.


I am going to have to think about it.


If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to or post it in the forum.