Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

It ain’t Over
Why are opera singers always fat?

That’s not strictly true, there are many thin opera singers, however they are all crap, you see to be a truly great singer you have to be 20+ stone, and the reason for this is purely scientific.

The fact is skin can only stretch so far, after critical mass is attained the body needs to store the surplus jelly in other places, and because of the way vocal chords are designed they make an ideal place to hang fat, you can imagine them as a sort of washing line for blubber. The extra girth added to the vocal chords enables the singers to reach hitherto impossible notes.

They sing like Angels, but the down side is they talk, and look like jabber the hut.

Put it on
What garment did people wear to do all their thinking before the thinking cap was invented?

The thinking cap was invented in 1463 Leonardo da Vinci (Then a young 11 year old) prior to this the bulky “Contemplation Cod Piece” was needed to solve chin scratching problems (incidentally the term chin scratcher came after the thinking cap was invented, before this they known as cock itchers)

Fire, Fire, I give you to Burn
Why is fire called fire?

It used to be called “Fluffy Safe Light” but after numerous mishaps Alexander the Great decreed that a more apt word be used, so scholars combined the Persian word for Fucking “Fie” and the Belgium word for hot “Rei” and created the now famous word “Fire”.

Bastard Speed Cameras
Why speed cameras?

After several thousand failed attempts by police to paint a picture on canvas of cars that broke the law they decided to embrace technology and use cameras to catch people who could not grasp the concept of speed restrictions.

Erect Period!
Who invented the comma?

The , was not invented it is actually a male semi-colon, the , and the ; are require to create a . A . is probably the most sexually active of all grammar, which you can see when the . becomes fully aroused and turns into a !

Sand n Pepper and Lard
What Happened to Salt N Pepper?

The legendary Salt n Pepper engorged themselves on high protein high fat diets and now spend them time equally between singing Opera and doing Voice-overs on adverts for Jerry Bruckheimer films.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.