Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Building a Stairway to…
Why do we call them steps when they are outside, yet we call them stairs when they are inside buildings?

Its all down the 1604 banister tax introduced by King James VI in order to fund his fresh trout fetish.

Basically the Scottish fucker introduced an edict that meant that all houses with stairs with banisters, either inside or out had pay 3 fresh trout per set of stairs a month. Obviously the English Barons wanted to save a bit cash and so demolished all banisters on stairs on the exterior of the house (they would of done the same to the interior stairs as well if not for the 1304 health and safety in the mansion act which prohibits any interior stairs not to have a banister).

King James got whiff of this and changed the banister tax to Stair tax, but very quickly the gentry re-retaliated to this by claiming in parliament that the exterior stairs were in fact called “Steps” (apparently this term was coined on the fly by the lobbyist spokesperson) making them exempt from the Stair Tax. King James finally conceded defeat and the tax was abolished, however the banisters on the exterior “steps” were never replaced for ascetic reasons and the name stuck.

Ants
Why can’t ants walk in a straight line?

Because they are permantly drunk. The entire species are utter pissheads.

Bitches
Why do women have multiple orgasms but us guys don’t?

We do, your not doing it right. Try using a sponge on your genitalia.
Its a proven fact that the beating of the choanocytes’ flagella makes the sponge secrete a toxin that will give men multiple orgasms.

Zzzzzzzz.
Can chimps snore?

They can and do! During the 60’s the US army used amplified chimp snores as a sonic cannon during the little known Bay of Chimps campaign. The so called Chimpinator was dropped as a viable weapon after complaints from soldiers who found carrying a simian with a trumpet stapled to its mouth unwieldy, several of the Chimpinator prototypes escaped prompting several complaints from neighbours. The only living example of a chimpinator can be found in Northern Ireland and is currently the Leader of the Democratic Unionist Party.

Oh No!
What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?

No, it’s not a monster, it’s a train. However I can see your confusion as it is a train with a monster driving it.

Purly Purples
Why are teeth white and not say blue or purple.

During the Palaeozoic age, when apes were transfugaling into men, many mutants, or “freaks” as the ape-man called them had many different colours of teeth. Sadly these freaks were killed at birth because the ape-man thought they were villains, eventually evolution won out and only White teeth ape-man were left in the gene-pool. Occasionally people are born with multi-coloured teeth, a kind of genetic throw back, however even in these enlightened times they are seen as ne’er-do-wells and are kept under lock and key on a small island just off the coast of Belgium.

Paint the Whole World with a Rainbow.
Why have I never found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, even though I could really do with the extra cash???

Although no-one has found these pots of gold we know for a fact they exist as a simple calculation of how much gold is in the world in total and how much gold we can see shows a massive discrepancy, which can only be accounted for if we figure in the pots of gold (sometimes referred to as Dark Gold) at the end of Rainbows.

Speculation in the scientific community regarding how much gold are in these pots has caused many rifts, some violent, which culminated in the now famous “Rainbow Treaty” A treaty which conservative estimates stipulate has saved the lives of over 100,000 people.
My advice to you is keep reaching for the rainbow, not only will you become wealthy you will also no doubt win the Noble prize for Physics and Peace.

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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