Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Mineral
Why does bottled water have labels that say something like “Buxton Natural Mineral Water flows naturally to the surface having filtered for 5000 years through the ancient limestone of the Peak District” yet the best before date on the bottle says November 2007??

Does this mean water can only last 5002 years before going mouldy? And if so why did they leave it in the ground for 5000 years before putting it in a bottle??

I have thoroughly researched this issue and have come to the conclusion that bottle water manufacturers are cynical, lying, money grabbing cocks-sucking mother-fuckers.

Seedless?
Where do they get the seeds from to make seedless grapes?

Seedless grapes is a misnomer, they actually start life with seeds, each grape then undergoes a seedectomy by trained grape surgeons before being reattached to the vine prior to picking. The enourmous cost of this procedure is why many of the grape growing countries are in economic and social meltdown, indeed the outspoken social commentator Darkus Howe has stated that the seedless grape is the single biggest threat to humanity in 21st century and could, if left unchecked, be the cause of the most cataclysmic and last human war in Earths history. There would also be repercussions to the production of Ribena.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Why do stars twinkle in the night sky?

Ah, the age old question. The reason they twinkle in the night sky is because they actually do twinkle. Each star has a Twinkleosity rating. 1 being not very twinkly and, 100 being very twinkly. The sun for example is rated 24. Sirius is 98, it twinkles like a bastard. I think the real question is why they twinkle in the first place.

And this is when things get funky.

The working theory is that a race of hyper intelligent beings called Boops, spent billions of years carefully altering the chemical content of the stars in order to synchronise the twinkleosity, after the completion of the mammoth aeon spanning task, you were able, if stood in the right place in the universe, to see the message “Boops was here” spelt in flashing stars.

The Big Question
Oh Professor I would drink at the fountain of your enlightenment.

1) When you consider that of all of the sperm your fathers nutsack has generated over the years of his life, including those that have split over onto the bed sheet, various ply tissues, the underside of his desk in the office, that have dripped from your mother and also those that have been wasted upon the stony ground, consider this: How small is the chance of that one sperm that is part of you (the royal you) being the one to fertilise your mothers egg?

2) Of all of the eggs that your mother has emitted from her honey bucket that have languished forgotten on some gusset or towelette or other mysterious female device, consider this: How small is the chance of that one egg that is part of you (the royal you) being the one that is fertilised by your father sperm?

3) The very fact that we as individuals exist at all is astounding. Now consider this stretching back to the beginning of time, an amazing collage of coincidence that has resulted in each one of us being who we are, a coincidence that becomes exponentially more incredible with every passing generation.

But, the bones of my question does not end here.

4) If time is supposed to be infinite, the fact that our 80 year window of consciousness is taking place at this precise moment is beyond the powers of my feeble comprehension.

So, the question is, what the fuck is all that about? When we die do we get transported back to the beginning, or once our consciousness has ceased does existence merely vanish and are generations past and future also existing at this very moment in time?

Until I have the answer I will be unable to produce milk.

So you want me to answer the question of life, the universe, everything.

Tricky.

I am going to have to think about it.

 

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.