The Mysteries of Kleenex

I have a confession to make, for the last 10 years I have been conducting a clandestine experiment on my family. As with all great experiments it started with a question – Where do all the tissues go?

For the first couple of years of marriage we regularly bought a box of man sized tissues as part of our monthly “Big Shop” (as opposed to our weekly small shops, which incidentally cost exactly the same, but that’s another experiment). The tissues were put in the corner of the room and every month the empty box was put in the bin and another box was purchased. After a few months, I realized that I had not actually used any tissues but immediately put it down to our lass using them when watching Friends or ER or some other yank tear jerking swill, so I merrily put it to the back of my head, until one shopping trip I had to go myself, I wandered the isles picking up the usual 3 for 2 offers and 3 bottles for a tenner specials our local ASDA constantly has on the go, until I reached isle 7. The brightly lit isle that has toothpaste, hair products, ladies monthly things and… tissues, and at this point I thought, “No, let’s see what happens without the tissues.”

For the next month our house was tissueless. I waited for the hue and cry to start, but nothing. Our lass did not even mention it. Not even once. So started my big experiment, for the next 6 months we did not buy any tissues, when our lass put the tissues in the basket I sneaked them out when she went to the cheese counter, or the “It’s cheap cause it’s out of date, you people will buy anything, have you no shame?” shelves and nothing was said. A quick calculation revealed this experiment had saved me around $10 but I was not in this for the money. I am man of science. So damning the cost I purchased a box of tissues. After a month they were gone. Gone! I could not believe the empirical evidence in front of my eyes, but I was too far down the rabbit hole to turn back now. Now, I had to do the long term phase of the experiment.

Over the next 8 years we purchased tissues on a monthly basis, 2 children were born in this time but strangely this had no impact on the tissue usage. 1 box per month. At this point I felt enough time had passed to enter the final phase of the experiment.

Complete withdrawal.

For the next 2 years (bringing us up to current date) no box of tissues has entered this house. And no-one has noticed once. We have gone 24 months without using 1 solitary tissue and not one of the 3 guinea pigs in the test made so much as a squeak!

My friends, this has brought me to only one logical conclusion: the tissues must dissolve. After the box is opened , the tissues are exposed to air, they then slowly dissolve over a period of 28 days, leaving its empty carcase ready to be thrown out and fresh one purchased.

Kleenex must be minted! Tens of thousands of these boxes are bought daily, none of them used, they simply melt away! Forcing the people to buy more. Infused with Aloe Vera? They could impregnate it with anthrax and nobody would notice, because 28 days later they have gone without even touching a nose!

Cynics amongst you might say “Obviously your lass is using kitchen towels instead.” Well, I can tell you here and now, that is a possibility, as is the possibility that she is using toilet paper. I’m not denying it. Others might say “Why did I not just ask our lass what she doing with them” and to them I say, yes, that would have been a more expedient way to get results.

But putting them arguments to one side, anyone can see that my years of research have proven, without doubt, I have far too much spare time.

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