Horrible Wedding Photos

photobombing motivational poster

What could be worse than a wedding? You have your parents and her parents there and all these people you can’t stand and don’t look now but that girl that never gave you any play just winked at you. Yes, it is true weddings suck for just about everyone unless you are drunk, high, or having sex with a low self-esteem bridesmaid in the coatroom.

So let’s forget all that and look at horrible wedding photos instead.

Worst wedding photos
Why in God's name would you want to show people this?
Worst wedding photos
Yet another place to see a clown cry
Worst wedding photos
You've heard of Ebony and Ivory, this is Olive Oil and Lard

 

Worst wedding photos
Till Apocalypse do you part
Worst wedding photos
This is not suppose to happen until later tonight
Worst wedding photos
Never touch a white womans champaign bottle
Worst wedding photos
It's a trap!
Worst wedding photos
Not pictured, the family slaves
Worst wedding photos
Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom
Worst wedding photos
This is not the wedding you are looking for.
Worst wedding photos
Dude, she's already naked, no need to marry the bitch

J.A. Cares: The Banned Bachelor

Unemployment is just too much fun which is why there hasn’t been a new post since like forever. However, as the e-mail inbox continues to stack up (all spam) it’s time to get back to work. Since we are in wedding season I decided to try and help (ridicule) someone who is having a problem with a bachelor party.

Laramie Piton from Tea Party, Texas writes:

I’m going to be married soon and my best man wants to throw me and awesome bachelor party, but my girl is insanely jealous and doesn’t want me to have one without her. Isn’t the point to have one last big fun party before you tie the knot? It’s not like I want to cheat or do anything to piss her off, I just want to have a party with my boys. Is that too much to ask? What should I do J.A.?

How many times do I have to tell you? Marriage is like buying an American car, it’s been drilled into you that you should do it, but it sucks and you will regret it in the end. I guess it is too late for that advice, you are getting married, but let’s address what we can shall we?

If you feel jealous something is wrong with YOU?

Why won’t women get that men have to look at other women. First of all it is like the sun is to Superman, it gives us strength and though some men will fly toward it most of us know it’s best to observe from a distance. Every time you flip out on your man over looking it is more likely he will start touching.

Second we look for several reasons, but a few of the top reasons are because:

  1. She has something you don’t
  2. She’s doing something you won’t
  3. She’s breathing

Number three you can’t help, but if your man likes looking at a firm body then maybe you should firm up. However, this goes both ways guys. If you are looking at a firm body and you are a bowl of jello then you are just window shopping, which is fine, just realize you can’t afford what you are looking at.

The road to failure

Simply put, if your girlfriend is going crazy over a bachelor party then you have a long hard road ahead of you. First off, the bachelor party is a time honored tradition. Honestly it is kind of stupid because you are almost admitting marriage sucks the life out of you which is why you have to enjoy one last night out as if you are going to jail or something.

If younger women dancing around you and causing you embarrassment and a mild erection burns her up inside that much then you have a drama queen on your hand. Symptoms of a drama queen include:

  1. Thinking everything is about her
  2. Keeping you from doing things then doing it herself
  3. Crying over stupid shit
  4. Whining and complaining a lot
  5. Playing the victim
  6. Unrealistic expectations

The last one is killer because in her mind she has already mapped out everything and you will fail to live up to it. This starts with denying you a bachelor party and next thing you know you are having a scientology wedding with a Tom Cruise look-a-like as your minister.

Ball searching

Men have lost the middle ground. We seem to have two levels now, complete pussy and raging abusive asshat. There has to be a middle ground where we make our opinions clear and stand up for what we want. You must search for your balls and even if you find them in her heart shaped box you can still reattach them. If you don’t do this now you will end up hating yourself and her in the end.

On the flipside, don’t be a hypocrite. If she wants to go to Chippendales or whatever then you can’t turn all emo on her. Communication is key, you can do it now or when your divorce lawyers meet, the choice is yours.

Still on Vacation

I hope to help more of you saps, but until Obama kicks me out of his house I’m going to continue chillaxing in his basement. Keep the e-mails coming, I’ll be back in another six months.

I proposed by hacking Chrono Trigger

Chrono Trigger Wedding
Chrono Trigger Wedding

The video game wedding or proposal is not new, but when it’s done in a cool way it’s worth noting and what cooler way is there to propose than in an awesome classic game like Chrono Trigger? Phil wanted to propose to his (now wife) Anna and after going through a few ideas he decided to hack the video game she was currently playing.

Here’s what was said on the YouTube page.

On October 17th, 2008, I proposed to my (now) Fiancé. Originally I wanted to return to the site of our first date, Mount Baker, near Bellingham Washington. Sadly, there was no discrete way to get her out there. So I turned to the next best thing, digitally recreating the mountain!

But why stop there? I figured I’d try and recreate many of our other favorite memories — stargazing, dancing, even her favorite song lyrics (from the Princess Bride). I’m a college student who is studying Computer Science, and I wanted to do something unique that used my talents, so I did some research on Rom hacking, as she was playing through Chrono Trigger. (A perennial favorite of mine, I can’t wait to buy it for my DS.) I even put in her cat, Cleo!

I had several goals in mind:
First) Keep the area in the context of the original game, the proposal should be a surprise.
Second) Get it done quick! I had the ring, I had the Father’s blessing, and you can’t sit on either of those for too long. You’ll notice some of the NPC collision information is missing (the cat runs through a lot of weird places) and I didn’t have time to properly debug every tile.
Third) Place memories that might be poignant enough to remind her of our relationship, while not inadvertently giving away that this was somehow hacked.(See goal #1.)

Overall, it was a resounding success. She had no idea that this wasn’t part of the original. She asked, “Hey, are those the Princess Bride lyrics? Do the Japanese really love that movie?” to which I responded, “Yeah! That’s probably it! Either that or a bored translator slipping in an Easter egg.”

When her name appeared on screen (blurred in this video), she glanced over to me (on one knee, with the ring out), wondering, “How did they get my name in this game?” When she saw the ring, she reread the proposal, nodded yes, and said, “You are such a huge nerd! I love this!”

I spent a long time debating whether or not this proposal was awesome or incredibly stupid. Her friends, and my friends helped talk me into it, and it was a huge success!

I built the area by fusing a pre-existing area (Denodoro Mountains) with concepts I had in my mind. Each NPC in the area (save the cat, and the young girl at the beginning) is supposed to be either myself or my fiancé.

Chrono Trigger Wedding Proposal
Chrono Trigger Wedding Proposal

Just a small commentary, some might feel doing something like this is stupid or nerdy, well its nerdy, but not stupid at all. We have all kinds of strange proposals, strange to us, but not to the people involved. With shows like Bride Wars and Bridezilla I think finding two people who love video games get together in a video game is fitting. Besides, dude she plays Chrono trigger, she’s a keeper!