Things you do in MMOs you wouldn’t do otherwise

mmorpg demotivational poster
mmorpg demotivational poster

Things you do in MMOs you wouldn’t do otherwise

We are all gamers here and we know there are a lot of things gamers do in their lives that “normal” or non-gamers don’t or wouldn’t do like camping outside of a Gamestop or EB Games for Halo. However, when you toss in the MMO world there are some things that even your most sunless gamer wouldn’t do.

Leave Ventrilo on all night

I may be wrong and maybe one of you Count strike or FPS ninja’s will correct me, but leaving Ventrilo on all night listening to people talk about any old thing seems so MMO. I admit I have done this while writing or working on something. It is worse when you forgot to turn Ventrilo off an in the middle of the night some dickbag screams into the channel. One time I heard a guy talking with his girlfriend for hours about how he can split his time between, work, school, sex and World of Warcraft. I found it funny he didn’t say “girlfriend” or “relationship” instead he said sex.

How many of you have listened in on a raid that you weren’t on? I have to tell you I doubt you listen in to a FPS Vent channel when not playing, that is totally MMO.

Sit staring at the ground in a game for 12+ hours

This goes back to the days of Everquest when you would have to find some item or another on the ground and since it was a random spawn and anyone could ninja it from you. There was no choice but to sit there staring at the ground with your finger on the mouse button as if you were playing family feud. The worst was when you thought your item spawned and it turned out to be some graphic glitch or when you had to go to the bathroom fearing it would spawn while you were gone.

Turn down a woman

No, I don’t mean telling your girlfriend to watch another season of Sex in the City while you make your final push toward level 85. I am talking about rejecting any female in a MMO that you haven’t verified is really a woman. Unfortunately too many gamers have made playing a girl character look bad by doing awful things to get in groups, guilds and just begging for gold or loot. Now in games like World of Warcraft you just can’t trust a woman and for the most part will stay away unless boobage is confirmed.

Spent more time dancing in game than out

In City of Heroes one of the things to do was to make a level 1 character in the craziest costume you could and hang in the center of Atlas Park and dance. Dancing became so popular in COH that they created clubs where people could dance, but strangely they were hardly used. I guess when your superhero can pull a boom box from thin air on command who needs a club. If your girl ever wants to go dancing you can get her a copy and take her to Pocket D.

Understand Economics

You have student loans, credit card debt and no savings and yet in the MMO world you are Bill Gates. Sure, there are some in RPG land that overspend and can’t afford that damn new flying mount requirement, but for most of us we know how to make and spend money. Not only can we control our personal finances in game, but we can also control the auction house knowing when to sell, when not to sell and when to be an undercutting asshat. Remember when your teacher taught you about supply and demand, of course you don’t, but you’re using it now, congrats.

In which world are you better?

The world of MMO’s has defiantly had an impact on us all for better and for worse. There are tons of things we do in MMO’s that we never did in life or other games before. So how about you, what have you done?

Viagra Moments


First of all let me be honest, I hate erectile dysfunction commercials almost as much as I hate the The View. Watching a good television show only to be interrupted by some guy talking about how he can’t please his gracefully maturing wife is as disturbing as over hearing your parent’s having sex.
I’m thirty two years old and perhaps one day I will be walking into my doctor’s office with a ski mask on begging for some penile-poppers jonesing like that women in Menace to Society, but that is not why I dislike them.

First off there is the names and logo’s they come up with. Yes, Viagra sounds normal to us now, but let’s look at Clalis, it’s name and logo had me believing it was a new juice product from the makers of Sunny Delight. Then there are those commercials.

Watcha looking at?

Eyes meeting across the room, what could be more romantic? Well, if you wouldn’t have failed that eye exam last week maybe she would have believed your look was a call for sex and not gas from last night’s dinner. Besides, you barely talk anymore; you have been sitting in that dusty plastic covered living room reading the same damn book for fifty years and now because of a drug-induced stiffy your fiery passions burn again? Right.

Interrupted what?

So, now the pills are fast-acting and long-lasting. There are a ton of problems here. You claim you and your misses were about to play find-the-clam when your college-edition Girls Gone Wild daughter comes home and interrupts you. Lying is bad; every time you lie George Bush kills ten kittens. The truth is that for fifteen years you have been planning sex dates and eighty percent of the time you (meaning your penis) fails to show. Now your wife just watches Sex in the City instead. All of sudden you find a chemical miracle and now your daughter is interrupting you. Oh, I forgot, it’s a pleasant interruption. Long lasting huh? How do you think your daughter will feel when she feels your long-lasting when you give her a welcome home hug?

Where did you find those?

You planned a romantic weekend at your secluded cabin overlooking the beach. To be safe you have two boxes of pills because you figure even if your heart can’t take it your ‘Johnson’ can. There will be no interruptions, pleasant or otherwise. First let’s take a look at that romantic sunset, on the porch, overlooking the lake, in our twin metal personal tubs! Something is wrong with this picture. I guess holding hands from your personal bed pans sounds romantic to someone. I just wish you would be struck by lightning.

Burning Wood

Nothing says please have sex with me better than two senile people attempting to cook over a gas stove. I guess the smell of burning flesh reminds you of her legs rubbing together or something. Oh look, you found out you can pull that little spray thing from off the sink and wet each other. It will be the only wetness going on that night, pill or no pill. How about using the water to put out the fire burning up your table cloth?

And the Barney award goes to….

I’ve been told the saddest sight is seeing a group of teenage boys playing live action dungeons and dragons in public on a Saturday night. If that is so then the next saddest sight is six middle aged men taking a pretty good song and turning it into a ballad about their inability to get one up.

I though having Fred Astaire dancing for vacuums was bad, but this just makes me cry inside. I can see your wife opening the garage door now and instead of finding you cleaning it out as you were told to, she finds a bunch of your friends singing about your deflated pecker and there is no liquor in sight. Now ask yourselves, do you really deserve sex?

Just use Tivo

Believe me. I understand that we all can have a problem performing. Some of my readers right now have a problem performing in bed and they are in their mid twenties. All I ask for is a channel where you can go if you really need to see a commercial telling you that at ninety you can still pound one out. On that channel we can have all those ads running twenty four hours a day. We can toss all the tampon and time-of-the-month commercials on there, too. I bet it will get higher ratings than Lifetime.