People say Monday’s are bad, but seriously Sundays around 11pm are the worse. It’s like knowing you will be executed at sunrise.
(7:07:38 PM) sandrathompson205: hello sweet heart
(7:07:49 PM) sandrathompson205: how are you doing today
(7:08:01 PM) c64glen: Hey Sandra!
(7:08:46 PM) sandrathompson205: Glen how are you?hope everything is fine with you
(7:09:34 PM) c64glen: yes, all is good. How about you?
(7:10:11 PM) sandrathompson205: good too,only am bothering about this consigment
(7:10:55 PM) c64glen: Is that thing I emailed about?
(7:11:05 PM) c64glen: because the bloke I emailed didn’t seem too bright
(7:11:19 PM) sandrathompson205: yes
(7:14:28 PM) c64glen: right. so what’s the deal again?
(7:17:50 PM) sandrathompson205: the lawyer told me he send you message to provide yr data as my beneficiary which you never did
(7:19:16 PM) c64glen: I didn’t get any email….
(7:19:28 PM) c64glen: I sent that Emu bloke an email, he was all like
(7:19:37 PM) c64glen: OMG WTF? NOOB?!!!111one
(7:19:42 PM) sandrathompson205: check yr mail very well dear
(7:20:14 PM) sandrathompson205: what is that,OMG WTF NOOB
(7:22:49 PM) c64glen: Hey is that a new picture of you?
(7:23:23 PM) sandrathompson205: yep
(7:23:39 PM) c64glen: Cool. SEND ME MOAR!!!
(7:24:46 PM) sandrathompson205: k
(7:25:10 PM) c64glen: to email@example.com and I will check for your lawyer email…
(7:27:51 PM) c64glen: tell me when you had sent email…
(7:28:01 PM) sandrathompson205: ok
(7:28:28 PM) sandrathompson205: but did you the email i sent to you previous
(7:28:43 PM) c64glen: what?
(7:28:54 PM) c64glen: the whole coke bottle?
(7:31:41 PM) c64glen: Just tell me when you’ve sent the mail
(7:32:13 PM) sandrathompson205: ok
(7:38:30 PM) c64glen: well? Where are the pics?
(7:39:24 PM) sandrathompson205: wait 1min
(7:46:11 PM) c64glen: ok, it’s now 21 minutes and counting…
(7:46:37 PM) sandrathompson205: my computer is not bootin well
(7:46:54 PM) sandrathompson205: am trying to attach it now ok
(7:47:43 PM) c64glen: ok, hurry. I’ve need to knock one out.
(7:53:35 PM) sandrathompson205: i have sent it now
(7:54:40 PM) c64glen: ok, these are great. You’ve changed quite a bit
(7:56:39 PM) sandrathompson205: i have to go to bed now
(7:56:46 PM) c64glen: However there is only three of them, and you have all your clothes on…..
(7:56:55 PM) sandrathompson205: pls reply the lawyer
(7:57:15 PM) sandrathompson205: oh you wanted the naked one
(7:57:33 PM) sandrathompson205: then you have to do what iwant you to first
(7:57:41 PM) c64glen: right ok.
(7:57:49 PM) c64glen: so what do I send to the layer?
(7:58:21 PM) c64glen: Coz he had swine Flu
(7:59:11 PM) c64glen: or something
(7:59:14 PM) sandrathompson205: he nedd your full name,yr address,your contact number
(7:59:41 PM) sandrathompson205: will stop this mess and listen to me man
(8:01:02 PM) sandrathompson205: i have to go now
(8:01:13 PM) sandrathompson205: am feeling sleepin ok
(8:01:21 PM) sandrathompson205: talk to you tommorow
(8:01:28 PM) sandrathompson205: love you and bye
(8:01:43 PM) c64glen: ok, good bye. I love it
Embraces the horror which is the work week, but enjoy some motivational posters to hopefully make it manageable.
You’ve survived another week, time to enjoy some Dubstep from SaladUK. This time we feature a internet superstar Boxxy. If you don’t know who Boxxy is read this – http://ohinternet.com/Boxxy It tells you everything you need to know.
Doctor P – Watch Out
Ever wish you had a group that would help you think though tough situations and give you the right advice? This is a great video about having a think tank to help you on a first date.
Just when you thought Japan could not come out with another crazy game show, in this one the point seems to be tickling hot girls in bathing suits.
This is what Obscure Internet was created for.
Returning to our original photo display format, let me know if you prefer this over the other style and Happy Monday!
Do you really need more? Thanks to Salad UK for this.
This is Salad UK’s Dubstep Video Remix of Justin Bieber being Shot and Killed on CSI
epic fail at 0:15 i was meant to delete that text 😛
BIG UPS to Point.Blank!
Justin Bieber Gets Killed By Dubstep!
Justin Bieber Shot and Killed on CSI dubstep remix
The folks over at Everything is Terrible present this video teaching us how to flirt. If you try this let me know.
Anyone remember old phone pranks, I guess not, but this is today’s version of that. This is a video from a guy who sent in an e-mail to a Christian call in television show. Just watch as the guy begins to read it before he figures out what it is.
Here is the full e-mail:
Thought you all might be interested in the rest of the text he didn’t read out. Here is the original email:
I am a newly born-again Christian and would like to share my story of salvation with you.
I was born in West Philadelphia and also raised there. I spent most of my days playing basketball on a playground – but also chilling out and relaxing. But then one day a couple of guys who were up to no good starting making trouble in my living area. I ended up getting into a fight, which terrified my mother. As a result she sent me away from West Philadelphia to the most peaceful area of Bel Air to live with my Auntie. On my journey to Bel Air, I whistled for a cab but it was noticable that the cab driver was not licensed. I ignored my concerns and told him to make haste to Bel Air. We arrived at the house some time between seven and eight pm and I was glad to see the back of the cab driver. I looked at the house and I was very impressed with the quality of living that my auntie possessed. I realised that I could get used to this lifestyle.
However, whatever was missing in my life when I lived in West Philadelphia was still there. I felt no happier, although everything was indicating that I should. My auntie took me to church that sunday. I hadn’t been for several years. And I had a wonderful chat with so many beautfiul people. For the first time in my life I felt complete. I was finally there. To sit next to Jesus on his throne as the prince of heaven.
During the summer, I would work extra hours during the afternoon at Chicago style restaurant and help take orders, make food and run the register. Even though we were right on the gold coast of Chicago this was Clark Street and we got all kinds of characters came into the store.
A snooty lady came in one afternoon asking for a burger with no meat on it, so I rang up an order for a single burger and gave her fifty cents off the price. The lady wasn’t happy with that; she told me that the meat is half of the sandwich so she should get half off.
I told the lady we have salads but that’s about it and that considering the burger was only a buck twenty nine, fifty cents off is pretty good. She then got in a huff and said that obviously I do not know how to serve people.
I was to busy for this shit, I told her we are very busy and if you want I will give you double veggies on your burger but that’s it. She then asked for the manager, great call because the manager and I were friends and love to play jokes.
The manager comes out and the lady tears into him about how bad I am and how I should be fired. He then turns to me and says “Well (J.A. Laraque) I have heard enough and you have got to go” the lady had a big smile on her face. “(J.A. Laraque)” the manager said “Show this pompous bitch out” the other people in the store began to laugh and clap as the lady turned red and walked out the door saying “I’ll see this place closed down within a week”
She was all hot air and we never heard from her or anyone trying to close us down.
My manager was a nice guy; however we had some bums slash panhandlers that would often come by since we offered a hot dog and fries for 99 cents. We just asked that they be respectful and if they were dirty or had a lot of crap on them take the food outside.
These guys had all types of goods, I knew most of it was stolen but they gave you awesome deals and I would often add bacon to their burger or extra cheese to get in good with them. One time I was really busy and kind of upset when one of these guys fries were handed to me I gave him some free cheese sauce but I guess I was in a hurry and didn’t give him that much but hey it was free so it didn’t matter right?
Wrong, this guy gets all loud says “How you gonna give me one spoon of cheese dog?” I told the guy I would get him next time. “They getting to you aren’t they man?” He asks “You use to hook it up good now I get a spoon of cheese what can I do with that feed my rat?”
At this point the manager came over. “Man I told you about being loud, now take your food and go” My manager wouldn’t take any shit from anyone but this guy wasn’t backing down.
“Your ribs aint shit homey” he yelled “My cousin can out cook your punk ass, you use too little sauce and the meat turns dry to fast bitch” my manager was pissed. “Get the fuck out before I through you out” I decided to slink back towards the dishwashers.
Dedicated to all the Monday morning asshats.
The folks over at everything is terrible released this great compliation showing what a workout video with Dolph Lundgren would be like.
Apparently the story is a lady called into 911 reporting a Raccoon in her yard. Well, being the internet someone made a song to it and it is pretty awesome.
Mix by DJ Assault f/Amanda Jones
Thanks to Paul for sending us this.
Sometimes we need to be shown a sign. Here are ten funny ones.
Robin Warren, a 55-year-old South Florida woman, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery for attacking her husband with a pair of scissors and two knives. The reason for the attack was the husband did not want to pay the veterinarian bills for their cat. While there are no reports on how much the bills were, when the husband refused to pay the woman went crazy and attacked him catting his hands and arms.
It had to be South Florida didn’t it, home of the crazy old cat ladies. We have the feeders out there that go to other people’s homes and leave food for the cats so they come and crap on your lawn and scratch up your car. I like cat’s, but cat people, some of you need help. I am sorry they took away your kids, but that hole in your heart cannot be filled with cat fur.
I bet you ten bucks if someone tried to rob her she would run and hide, but over a damn cat, this woman turns into Baraka from Mortal Kombat dual wielding weapons. If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times, don’t stay with women that have the crazy eyes or cats they think are their children.
Donna Anderson · MSU, UW – she was protecting the pussy.
Steve Klamm · Tascosa High School – Now they have Vet’s bills and emergency bills. Way to solve a problem is with another problem, besides just being wrong in the first place!
Karen Derr – Then he deserved it……?
Susan Stanfield Banert · Manager at ESkiptrace.com – Absolutely!
Diana Jaffe · CW Post – You go girl.
Linda Karls Becker Beane · hooray for her and it does make sense.
I do not know if this is real, a stunt or bonus footage from the new planet of the apes, but it is funny and so it is our video of the week.
Who would have ever thought you could make a Rebecca Black song good? Well our Dub Step remixers at Salad UK did. Check out this weeks Dub Step.
With the debt ceiling debate hitting a fevered pitch I think we need to relax and look at some funny protest signs.
Hopeful this will bring a few smiles to your face.
You’ve seen those commercials where a girl is selling all of her ex’s stuff or tossing it out a window. Well, this is the 21 century way to do it. Here we have an eBay auction for a men’s watch, but read the description and you will really get the whole story.
We here at Obscure Internet have a thing for Dubstep. For those that do not know it is in a nutshell a video remixed to go with Dubstep dance music. We believe everyone should dance on Fridays so we will be bringing you new ones each week.
This dubstep features Gene Kelly from Singing in the Rain and honestly, it is one of our favorites.
Thanks to Salad UK for the video. All relevant information below is from their YouTube page.
Become a fan!
Tweet it up!
Be my friend 😀
Excision & DatsiK – Swagga
This reminds me of some of those classic 8-bit themes from my early gaming days and mixed with this Gif its just additive as hell. I mean are they brilliant or high or both, either way, this is awesome and makes our list of Best of the Internet.
This is for all of you that always wanted to nail a church girl. All you need to do is memorize the bible and soon she will give a sermon on your mount.
So for those of us using Google + we have begun putting people in specially named circles and the good thing is they do not know what circle they are in. However, there is always a chance that people will find out the circle you put them in and become angry. This may not be an issue if you had them in acquaintance instead of friend, but if you put them in some of these rejected circle names, you might find yourself in trouble.
Everyone has a black friend. I myself am many peoples black friend, but when you single people out into their own circle under a label like that, you are going back to the days of two drinking fountains and that is not progress.
Women I have slept with
This could be a plus or a minus. The minus is if you are married or with a girlfriend and you still keep this circle. Do you really want her to cut off your penis and put it in a garbage disposal? The plus is if you ever need to call these women after a trip to the doctor. However, you cannot lie and toss anyone with a pretty face into this circle as it defeats the purpose.
You do not video tape your trashing of a house and then post it on YouTube and you do not make a murder list circle on Google + because someone might just end up dead and you will become a Law and Order episode.
Like the murder list, the police will not take the time to discover that this is the list of people you talked about badly on the internet. With a list like this, you might just end up on To Catch a Predator or Scam artist. You never call out your victims that’s just bush league.
Why do you have an asshat circle?
This is the same as making a circle called stalking. You really should reconsider adding any pretty girl to this circle because it just makes you seem creepy. However, if this ends up being a viable way to find a quick score let me know.
Not really friends
So you remained acquaintances to this? This is like when the nerdy kid said that you are his best friend and instead of just going with it you had to point out you are not his best friend. Don’t be an asshat!
There are plenty more circle names that should not be out there and you know soon there will be a
Tis an awful day for a Monday.
This just might happen to you if you scorn the jealous lover which is Facebook.
I love Jelly Belly beans, mainly because they come in many varieties of flavors. My favorite is buttered popcorn which I found out most people do not like. One time when visiting the Jelly Belly factory, I found they had irregulars there. They were weird flavors of beans not really meant for sale. Now you can purchase a bunch of those flavors in a pack called Bean Boozled.
Their flavors include:
Canned Dog Food – Chocolate Pudding
Nothing says “My social security check has run out” quite like this flavor could. I just wonder, who but people who lived through the great depression would be able to authenticate that this flavor is genuine?
Skunk Spray – Licorice
I see no difference between Licorice and skunk spray besides the fact that as a black man this offends me.
Rotten Egg – Buttered Popcorn
Screw you guys, Buttered popcorn rocks! Who needs to pay six bucks for what would cost a dollar outside worth of popcorn. I was able to sit through all of that horrible Super 8 movie thanks to buttered popcorn jelly beans.
Centipede – Strawberry Jam
I just don’t get this one. I made an intern eat a centipede just to see if it tasted anything like strawberry jam. When he is let out of the ICU I will give you his findings.
Booger – Juicy Pear
This is straight out of Harry Potter or maybe the other way around. I also have it on good authority that boogers taste like salted wax.
Baby Wipes – Coconut
What the hell are you feeding your children?
Barf – Peach
There is nothing peachy about barf. Peaches are good to eat and I could eat a peach all day, but barf starts a chain reaction of barfing that prevented me from going to the junior prom with Katie.
Moldy Cheese – Caramel Corn
Another cold war treat. Is this what made Cracker Jack so famous?
Pencil Shavings – Top Banana
I knew a kid once that would take the pencil shavings from the one big public pencil sharpener they had in class when I went to grade school. Do they still have that? Damn I’m old.
Toothpaste – Berry Blue
Should have been bubble gum flavor. Once, my mom bought me some bubble gum flavored toothpaste. Yet she would not let me buy any bubble gum, the result was a night in the ER and no summer camp.
You can buy a 1.6 oz box of these on Jelly Belly’s website or they can send me a free box. Yes, I take bribes.
I am really tired of the safelite commercials, but I love the one with the black guy because being a black guy myself I imagine weird ways how things can go down. Here is a meme we create to capture what comes into some of our minds when we see this commercial.
Recently an article was written discussing a few things you should never say to your child. Here is their list:
- Leave me alone!
- You’re so…
- Don’t cry
- Why can’t you be more like your sister?
- You know better than that!
- Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about
- Wait till daddy gets home!
- Hurry Up!
- Great job! Or Good Girl!
The article sites reasons why you should not say these things to you kids by doctors, P.H.D.’s and people in the know.
There are of course many more things you should never say to your child and we will explore a few now:
The cake is in the oven, do you wish to join it?
Mom, you must understand that after letting us lick the spoon we as children already have a taste for cake. Once the cake begins baking it smells oh so delicious and being children we are impatient. The cake smells done so why can’t we eat it? There is no need to go all Hansel and Gretel on us.
Watch where you’re going fatty!
You know you tripped me, why are you pretending I fell? Maybe it is because at age nine I am already developing man-boobs and I’m top heavy, but I can still walk in short durations. I saw that smile on your face as I held my ice cream tightly. You knew the only way it would fall was if I fell with it. Now you owe me a new ice cream. Pay up old man!
The guy at Gamestop said this game system is better.
You stupid whore, I sent you to Gamestop with specific instructions to get me an Xbox 360. I understood due to years of me screaming at you there was not much left upstairs which is why I printed out a listing of the 360 for you to use. I figured being the domesticated cow you are that using a shopping list would be second nature, but as I see by this console called the Wii Station X made in North Korea, that you have failed me once again.
I’m short this week.
And yet I saw you buying yet another box of wine. How is it that you can afford products from some website called Mommies little vibrating secret, but you cannot pay me my full allowance on time? Do you want me to call child services? I know how to make it look like you beat me. Also, there is that video I recorded of you with the next door neighbor who happens to also be married. You will pay me triple my rate in three days or this goes up on my Facebook page!
This is your dog.
No it’s not! It’s bad enough you spend all your free time in World of Warcraft stealing the guild leadership from me, but now after Mr. Ruffles dies because you forgot to feed him you have the audacity to try and replace him with a cheap imitation? Mr. Ruffles was brown and had a white stripe on his stomach, this dog is black! I bet you would notice if I gemmed your tier nine armor incorrectly. I demand satisfaction or I swear I will take your character to a populated zone and start telling racist jokes.
In closing, don’t have kids.
Sometimes you have to go far and wide to search for a funny story and sometimes it falls into your lap. In our e-mail bag we found an e-mail from thankyourwank.com. What is thank your wank dot com, well, let’s let them tell us:
We believe Thankyourwank.com is the next step in Social Media, making it a more democratic and open system than ever before! It’s a masturbation revolution!
Who hasn’t thought to themselves ”I wonder if someone out there touches themselves while thinking about me”? Because certainly all of us have pleasured ourselves thinking about someone we know or have seen and, most of the times, without having the guts to tell them what we do with our thoughts of them.
Thankyourwank.com enables users to vote for people they masturbate to, making them more popular Wankees at the same time as they can check their own Wank-Bank balance to see how many times other people have done it thinking about them.
But this isn’t all! We would like to take things a little further and not limit our users’ experience to the lonely “you and your hand” situation – so, we have set up a system for Mutual Wank Alerts. When a user +1s someone and this someone also +1s the initial user, both get an instant Mutual Wank Alert, that will help break the ice and, we hope, allow for sexy times to commence! Unless the person also +1s the initial user, she/he will never know that one did it to begin with! We like keeping things on the safe side!
And for those avid wankers that can’t keep track of all the people they would like to think about while fapping… they can search for people and add them to their “To-Do” List… so that they can later remember them for inspiration and keep their levels of activity up!
Thankyourwank.com is all about satisfying that curiosity you’ve always had, helping you get through those blue days with a +1, building bridges between people and talking openly about something that’s always been fun!
I can see the press headlines now about stalking wank superstars. What would you do if you ended up as a top member on this site, would you add it to your resume or something? Either way, I get the feeling this site may provide some great entertainment for Obscure Internet.
Somebody’s got a case of the Monday’s.
We are the TMZ of bad cosplay.
It seems ill conceived weddings are not the only side effects of too much drinking. New York pet stores are banning drunk patrons for buying cats and dogs because most have no idea what they are doing and it can end up harming the pet.
One pet storeowner recalled a story of a woman buying a Chihuahua only to return it the next day almost dead.
“We took it to the vet, and he found five pills in the dog’s stomach,” The dog survived, but the growing concern prompted storeowners to prevent people from buying pets while intoxicated.
Shopping for puppies to take home when drunk, I thought that was what ugly women were for. The back of the bar where it is dark is the perfect place to go shopping at 4:45am after a night of drinking.
You just want something warm to take home and then toss out later that day and that is the place to find your “pets”. Leave the puppies alone, there are plenty of ugly and fat people more than willing to be taken home and fed pills and most likely, we will survive to do it again.
And now…at long last, The PFI and Pepsico present…….
Ladies and gentlemen, the PFI is back with a vengenace. After ironing out a few personal problems, the Institute returns to dole out the last few Tripe awards, starting with tonight’s extravaganza.
Wait, who the fuck is walking on my stage???? SHIT, It’s director of PFI Tripe recipient RESIDENT EVIL, PAUL ANDERSON!! What the hell do you want?
Paul Anderson: I have come to claim my rightful heir to the throne of the PFI, you see, I have been wrongfully accused of RUINING two potential movie franchises: Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. I however feel that the movie going audience NEEDS to be dumbed down by shitty storytelling, under 90 minute film lengths, and a PG-13 rating so EVERYONE, even kids can contribute to my lear jet..err…I mean “works of art”. The Paul Film Institute is under MY rule now, of course, the name shall remain the same: PFI.
Paul Hernandez: The HELL you are, just because you think you can dupe moviegoers everywhere, including myself, by putting out short ass movies that are needlessly rated pg-13 so more people can go see them, doesn’t mean you have the power to take over the PFI. What happened to you man? You directed 3 awesome movies: Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, and Soldier. Come on.
Paul Anderson: Ok, I’ll be forthright with you. The COCA COLA company has sent me to take over these awards. Pepsi and the PFI are so popular, that Coca Cola has been losing ground for quite some time now. Plus, they promised to finance my lear jet….err…”works of art”.
Paul Hernandez: HAH, I KNEW there was an alterior motive, GET OUTTA HERE, and if I ever see you again I’ll throw so many horrific movies at you it’ll make Resident Evil look like The Godfather.
Paul Anderson: NEVER!! ::fires tranqulizer dart at Paul::
Paul Hernandez: YOU SON OF A.. ::collapses::
Paul Anderson: Ah yes, that was too easy. Now on with the show. To up the ratings for tonight’s event, I have decided to rate this: PG-13 by the MPAA.
Paul Anderson: SHUT UP, you’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s best for you.
Audience in unison: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!….
Paul Anderson: Like their opinions matter… tonight’s host is a favorite over at the Coca-Cola camp. He is SO pimp and thugged out, and his commerical was hilarious! Ladies and gentlemen, I present…
Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK….
Delux: Ya aight, Delux in the house keepin it real. Aight, true playa from day 1, aight. Welcome to mah crib, yo. The first thug movie tonite is one I liked, especially as a wannabe blunt smoker. This be Delux’s favorite comedy evah, aight? True playa from day 1. Here we go, Half Baked.
Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HALF BAKED SUCKS, HALF BAKED SUCKS…..::throws cabbage at Delux::
Delux: Yea PFI audience keepin it real..wait, who that be comin’ up on stage? Mr. Anderson?
Paul Anderson: Aw crap, it’s director of GOOD movies OVER 90 minutes long, MICHAEL MOORE!!!
Audience: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! MICHAEL MOORE, MICHAEL MOORE……
Paul Anderson: ::runs to his lear jet::
Delux: Get off my stage nigga, this aint yo’ shit.
Michael Moore: I owe Mr. Hernandez one, it is YOU who has exactly 5 seconds to leave, got that, KID?
Delux: It’s Delux son, DELUX!!!
Michael Moore: ::fires::
Audience: ::erupts in cheers::
::circus midgets come out and remove Delux’s carcass::
::Paul wakes up::
Paul: That idiot used rat tranqulizer on me, he was probably hoping I’d be knocked out longer than the running time of Alien vs. Predator, he failed. Thanks Michael, I guess we’re even.
Moore: Anytime Paul, keep spreading the word.
Paul: You too man, I can’t wait for your next movie, “Sicko”, about the bullshit of medicare, prescription drugs, and HMO’s in the American medical system. Keep spreading the truth man!! FINALLY, we can get to the BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD. Named as such, for ALLEGED COMEDIES that were less funny than the BUBONIC PLAGUE. In fact, while watching these movie’s I smelled dead rats. Another connotation to the title, one must AVOID these movies like the plague. First up, the atrocious marijuana comedy….
Let me put this in the same classification as the Over-rated toiletry recipients. EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER TOLD ME TO SEE THIS. I HESITATED FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO. I mean come on, how funny can a POT movie be. It’s something so cliche’ and overdone, you long for another zombie movie, or “innocent girl learns how to dance via sexy hunk” movie. So I gave in, was bored one day, and watched Half Baked. About 353256432643634 people owe me 45 minutes of my life back. Yes, 45 minutes. See, the movie was so UNXIOUS and NOT FUNNY, I actually gave up halfway through. I NEVER DO THAT, as you all know, I will STAY thru the TORTURE. All the movie was, Harland Williams (pre-Rocketman), and Dave Chapelle (pre- Chapelle show), saying non-funny lines and visualizing non-funny hallucinations that only people WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A FUCKING CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE WOULD FIND EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY ::CLUBS SEAL:: This tripe was instantly wiped from my memory, and it didn’t take any POT to do so, free will is the most powerful drug of all. WARNING to those who HAVE NOT SEEN HALF BAKED.
A better alternative would be to smoke pot, you’ll actually burn less brain cells, and you’ll LAUGH. These things do not occur while watching Half Baked. Avoid it like the Plague, you’ll thank the PFI later.
Enough of that bullshit. I present the final Bubonic Plague award, to, the single worst comedy ever filmed…
WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY “FAT” JOKES AND FATNESS IN GENERAL. DO NOT READ ON. THE PFI IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SORROW AS A RESULT OF THIS AWARD, HOWEVER THE FARELLY BROTHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE. TO CONTACT THE FARELLY BROTHERS ABOUT THE TRIPE THAT IS SHALLOW HAL, PLEASE WRITE:
Let’s get one thing straight here. You ready??
JACK BLACK IS NOT FUNNY.
There’s more of a chance of my fat ass winning the Tour de France than there is of me ever laughing at anything Jack Black says or does. I’m one who enjoys dry humor. However, Black’s humor is one that is not only dry, but Death Valley after the apocalypse dry. How this man has made it thru Hollywood is BEYOND me. He belongs on a crappy radio station like ::coughZETAcough::, so that all the idiot simpletons can laugh at his blandness without BOTHERING the rest of the American public.
So Shallow Hal is about a guy played by Jack Black, who is shallow towards certain women, because they may be ugly, fat, etc…. The problem that lies within is…
AS IF JACK BLACK HIMSELF ISN’T FAT AND UGLY AS WELL. If they REALLY wanted that STUPID angle to work, they wouldve cast Brad Pitt, who at the time was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. But JACK BLACK? I am sexier than Jack Black, I’m FUNNIER too, this is saying A LOT. I’M SO VAIN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! ::basks::…ok ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Something happens to him, that he begins to see these ugly women as beautiful, but only HE can see the beauty of the women, to everyone else, they’re fat and ugly, and are HORRIBLY insulted.
I’d like to point out to the audience that it takes A LOT to offend me. I’ve signed my way into hell by saying horrible things about 34543678765386538u6538rgrdyh times. However, this movie completely took it to the limit of degrading and insulting. This coming from someone who idolizes Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park. Since the Farrelly brothers realized that fat jokes and ugly jokes can’t make an ENTIRE movie funny, they add a couple of recurring jokes, that end up JUST AS INSULTING and NOT FUNNY. First, there’s this friend of Jack Black’s, who walks on his hands because his legs are paralyzed, or something like that. Not funny. NEVER in my ENTIRE MOVIEGOING STUPOR have I EVER SEEN WRITERS TRY SO HARD TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH. And you know what the sad part is, they SUCCEEDED, as the theater audience was in tears. I, however, was not. My sense of humor spans continents, keep that in mind. Next, the Jason Alexander character, has an extended tail bone, which he wags towards the end of the movie. I can’t make this up, you have to see it to believe it. Then again, don’t. This had the theater in tears laughing again. It was at this moment I had two epiphanys. #1: America is doomed. #2: These people are HOOPLESTERS. What is a hooplester?
Hooplester (noun), “hoop-ul-stehr”: a hooplester is an idiot simpleton who laughs at the stupidest and most unfunny shit, like a guy with a tailbone wagging it in Shallow Hal. The hooplester an be easily identified by his or her laugh ::HOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLE::. Next time you go see a stupid comedy, take a listen, you’ll hear them.
So anyways, by virtue of meeting TONY ROBBINS in an elevator, Jack Black can now see the true image of the Gwyneth Paltrow character. A 45436464 pound woman who cant fit into her own clothes. He ends up scoffing at her, and she gets pissed at him and leaves her (like we’ve never seen that before). While I was still epiphanizing about America’s doom and hooplesters, the Jack Black character had an epiphany, that he loves this woman for who she is, not how she looks like, and they get married. In reality, he would’ve forgotten the fat woman, and hunted down another Paltrow-esque woman. But this isn’t reality.
The ending is a total backfire. This ending is more fantasy than the bastard child of Harry Potter, Narnia, and Lord of the Rings combined. This movie insults the intellgence of fat people by exploiting their problem, THEN proceeds to make up that fact by giving them FALSE HOPES??? THIS is the sad world we live in ladies and gentlemen. Think I’m an asshole for thinking this way?? I’ve spoken to fat people who AGREE WITH ME. Shallow Hal, that UN FUNNY PIECE OF SHIT RYHREHYREYH ::CLUBS SEAL:: MOVIE contributes to the superficiality and downfall of modern society.
To quote Fernando’s grandma’s call to that IDIOT GERALDO RIVERA, doing a show on how fat people are unhappy.
“I FAT, AND I HAPPY, HE NO FAT AND HE NO ES HAPPY”
Stay tuned as we present the Science Friction award, until then, eat snacky smores.
This is one of the reasons the internet and Youtube is so awesome, The Fine Bros releases videos about kids reacting to various videos on the net. This episode shows kids reacting to an eHarmony video were a woman talks about cats and begins crying.
Here is the original video.
You can see more kids react videos .
You can comment and vote for what kids react videos they will do next here.
Sometimes the best part of a wedding is the cake and the open bar and the drunk bridesmaids which work in conjunction with the open bar. Here are thirty awesome wedding cakes that may inspire you to either create one for your special day or skip all that and just eat a cool cake. The choice is yours.
I did not know that I had a contract that states I have to help someone at least once a year. Hell, I did not know I had a contract. Oh well.
Jane Abby from Pendleton OH writes:
My 36-year old sister is addicted to the Casey Anthony trial. I feel for the whole thing, but my sister use to go out and do things. Now, all she does is sit watching the Orlando feed of the trial, 24-hours a day. How can anyone do such a thing? Help me!
My thoughts exactly, Jane, the CA trial has no boss loot and the faction you get cannot be used outside of Orlando and really, unless you are hitting a theme park or dying, why the hell would you be in Orlando?
Check this out Jane, perhaps your sister could go be a bouncer:
I haven’t seen ladies this riled up since the great Bed, Bath and Beyond super sale of 2009. It’s like the O.J. trial all over again except NBC said black isn’t in this year so they went with an all-white cast.
Perhaps your sister can practice flipping off the D.A. and earn time in jail and a fine:
Seriously, who does the hand in the face bird flip off (yes, that’s what it’s called) past 9th grade. If the guy went with the nose picker reverse bird flip with a tuck I would have given him a 9.9.
Listen Jane, you need to just hack your sister’s television and show here a Law and Order episode. I mean I thought all trials lasted ten minutes max until I was arrested myself. Man I was pissed, I kept waiting for the commercial break so I could get the hell out of there and it never came.
Oh, right, your sister. Yeah, there is nothing I can do for her except get her to play World of Warcraft at the same time. Did you know it’s free to play until level 20?
Talk about a zerg rush. In this video two robbers make a costly mistake when trying to rob a place that had 50 bikers in it. This reminds me of the guy who tried to rob a donut shop all the local cops hung out at.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate these movies, and so should you
Let’s get this show on the road!!! Tonight we are proud to present The Romantic Ritalin award, chronicling the 2 shittiest romances ever filmed. And tonight’s host, someone who knows romance like the back of their hand…..CUPID!!!!! Take it away Cupid!!!!!!
Cupid: Thank thee Paul, for I am Cupid, bringer of love, and romance. For I, Cupid, live in the realm of FANTASY, as do these two shittieth movies. Thine prime nominee, feature my greatest enemy, thy GRIM REAPER. Yet thy movie is not about what thine may think….
Paul: Thanks Cupe. You’re right my winged cherub, this movie is not what you think, in fact this movie is so overlong and ridiculous, it doesn’t WANT YOU TO THINK. I present Meet Joe Black. Much like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt is a GREAT ACTOR, despite his heart-throb status, but damn…Meet Joe Black??? I can picture the producers of this movie in the idea room shilling this plot:
“So yeah we have a great idea, we want to get THE GRIM REAPER, and put him in human form.”
Studio: Oh like “The Stand”! And what do you want him to do?
“No not like “The Stand”, we will make him eat lots of peanut butter and fall in love with some annoying bitch for a whopping 2 and a half hours while movies like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban get less screen time due to the dumbing down of America being fat lazy ritalin asses who cant stay in their seat for more than two hours unless it’s cheap fantasy-like romantic tripe like Jerry Maguire (;)).”
Studio: I don’t know man….who is it going to star?
Studio: IT’S A WRAP!!!! We’ll get working on it right away!!!
Thus was conceived Meet Joe Black, an interesting movie about how the Grim Reaper deals with life on Earth. The movie starts off good enough, as a fish out of water story. Then he meets some woman who’s father death must collect. From this point on I wanted death to knock on my door and collect me from this crappy sentimental piece of crap. Meet Joe Black was also considered for the Waste Management award. I’m sorry, if there’s gonna be a movie about the grim reaper living on Earth, THE LAST FUCKING thing you do is make him fall in love with an incessant spoiled little bitch. In fact while watching the end of Kill Bill: Volume 2, I was reminiscing of how they took a DEMONIC character and made him a SAP like was done in MJB. This is how MJB progresses.
He eats peanut butter.
He eats peanut butter.
Younger sister of bitch complains how she takes care of dying Anthony Hopkins while bitch and Joe Black make love.
Dramatic love scene that lasts 213412421562634857w37372362648rtfjytotggjtykdtul,dtj4w56653562356 hours by the pool.
He eats peanut butter.
They have a party.
Anthony walks over a bridge and disappears (dies). Sounds like Neo’s death.
I love it when movies try to be unique and put stupid shit to make it stand out. Ergo, much like the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the peanut butter joke wasn’t funny, it was ridiculous. Meet Joe Black is also the longest romance Ive ever seen. A whopping wrist slashing 2 and a half hours, it took two tapes to watch it. It felt like 20. I have blocked most of this tripe from my memory. Jen Byrne calls it “Meet Joe Block”. I couldn’t agree more.
My dad is the one who told me to see this movie. Mind you my dad hates movies, he only likes 4 or 5 of them. My dad likes The Godfathers 1 and 2, The Sandlot, Ben Hur, and Meet Joe Black.
The Godfathers 1 and 2, Ben Hur, The Sandlot >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black
Purgatory >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black.
However, Meet Joe Black >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the next winner of the Romantic Ritalin award, because AT LEAST Meet Joe Black had an interesting enough premise. UNUTILIZED, but interesting. Cupid your thoughts?
Cupid: Thy Meet Joe Black, makes Cupid sad, thy Cupid is disenfranchised with love and romance, thy Meet Joe Black is fantasy, but thy next winner of Ritalin is even more fantasy than they MJB. EVEN THOUGH THIS NEXT MOVIE HAS NO GRIM REAPER, ONLY REALITY BASED CHARACTERS ::FIRES POISON ARROW AT SEAL::.
Paul: CUPID NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Cupid: I apoligizeth Paul, I will compose myself. I hate this job. The winner of the IInd Romantic Ritalin Award goes to…..
THIS AWARD WILL BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS, THIS IS HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE PISSED ME OFF. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO BAD, YOU GET A TRIPE AWARD. MUCH LIKE CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN SUBPLOT, EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER SAID THAT JERRY MAGUIRE WAS A GREAT, FEELGOOD MOVIE. CONSIDER I HAD A FEVER OF 100 DEGREES WHEN I SAW IT, BY THE TIME THE MOVIE WAS OVER IT WAS UP TO 102. I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING THAT UP. ANOTHER TORTUROUS ROMANCE MOVIE THAT SPANS 2 AND A HALF HOURS SHOWING TOM CRUISE SLEEPING WITH THIS WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN. THIS CHARACTER IS PORTRAYED AS A GREAT YET TROUBLED MAN. I’M SORRY IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE SPORTS AGENT WHO GETS THAT LUCKY THE LAST THING I’D CRY OVER IS PEE PEE ZELLWEGGER AND SOME HARRY POTTER ON CRACK REJECT KID. I SAT, FEVER AND ALL, THRU THE WHOLE MOVIE WAITING FOR IT TO BE GOOD. IT NEVER CAME TO BE. JERRY MAGUIRE HAS SOME OF THE WORST LINES IN CIMEMA’S FINE HISTORY.
“SHOW ME THE MONEY”
FUCK YOU SHOW ME THE EXIT.
“HELP ME, HELP YOU”
HELP ME?, FUCK YOU
“YOU COMPLETE ME”
::CLUBS SEAL:: ::WEARS SEAL SKIN:: THE SEAL HAS COMPLETED ME.
I HATED HIS CHARACTER, THERE WAS NOTHING HEARTWARMING WHATSOEVER ABOUT HIM, HE WAS AN ASSHOLE, I WANTED BRAD PITT TO SMOTHER HIM TO DEATH WITH PEANUT BUTTER. THIS MOVIE WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE BY THE ACADEMY. FTJXFRTJKFRTY
I THINK WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE TRIPE AWARD I’M PUTTING THEM IN WEBSITE FORM AND SENDING THE HYPERLINK TO THE ACADEMY. MAKE THEM LIVE IN SHAME FOR WHAT THEY HAVE NOMINATED. I REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS TRIPE, I WAS SICK, AND IT SUCKED, THEREFORE IT WAS SUMMARILY DELETED. ROMANCE AS PORTRAYED IN JERRY MAGUIRE IS BULLSHIT. THE GRIM REAPER FALLING IN LOVE IS MORE REALISTIC THAN ALL THE SAPPY HEARTFELT SCENES IN THIS MOVIE. THIS IS FANTASY AT IT’S WORST.
CUPID WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????
Shit, these movies retired Cupid!!!! Sorry about that man, I warned you beforehand. Stay tuned next week for the “Movies that Inspire Chris Hahn to Have a Bowel Movement Award”. And ladies and gentlemen, trust me, they inspire me to have one too, and I can DIGEST ROCKS. Good night!!!!
Remember when you were a kid and would play Cowboys and Indians or War with your friends? Image if you could add animation to make the battles look real. This awesome video does that and the song is pretty good to boot.
You’ve seen the self-checkout lanes at grocery stores. How many times have you encountered stupid people that cannot do the simplest of tasks. Well we have and we are going to rant about it video style.
On Monday it is ok to do it wrong.
This is an awesome video from the folks over at Improv Everywhere. Improv Everywhere has executed over 100 different missions in New York. This mission has over 200 people freeze in place on cue in Grand Central Terminal and the public’s reaction was pretty funny.
Check out their website at – http://www.improveverywhere.com
Not quite what you think it is. This kid removes all the screws from his bosses chair. Yes, it is a simple prank, but it works.
Here is the Guile theme goes with anything version.
You ever wonder what cats are doing when you are not watching? Ever consider they are talking to each other?
What do you get if you crossover Monday with Saturday?
This is a pretty cool commercial from Boost Mobile featuring Rampage who can detect bullshit and will kick anyone’s ass who tries to feed him some.
Here are some of the higher rated fail pictures from Failbog.