The PFI Tripe Award: The Bubonic Plague Award

And now…at long last, The PFI and Pepsico present…….
Bring out your dead
Ladies and gentlemen, the PFI is back with a vengenace. After ironing out a few personal problems, the Institute returns to dole out the last few Tripe awards, starting with tonight’s extravaganza.
Wait, who the fuck is walking on my stage???? SHIT, It’s director of PFI Tripe recipient RESIDENT EVIL, PAUL ANDERSON!! What the hell do you want?

Paul Anderson

Paul Anderson: I have come to claim my rightful heir to the throne of the PFI, you see, I have been wrongfully accused of RUINING two potential movie franchises: Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. I however feel that the movie going audience NEEDS to be dumbed down by shitty storytelling, under 90 minute film lengths, and a PG-13 rating so EVERYONE, even kids can contribute to my lear jet..err…I mean “works of art”. The Paul Film Institute is under MY rule now, of course, the name shall remain the same: PFI.

Paul Hernandez: The HELL you are, just because you think you can dupe moviegoers everywhere, including myself, by putting out short ass movies that are needlessly rated pg-13 so more people can go see them, doesn’t mean you have the power to take over the PFI. What happened to you man? You directed 3 awesome movies: Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, and Soldier. Come on.

Paul Anderson: Ok, I’ll be forthright with you. The COCA COLA company has sent me to take over these awards. Pepsi and the PFI are so popular, that Coca Cola has been losing ground for quite some time now. Plus, they promised to finance my lear jet….err…”works of art”.

Paul Hernandez: HAH, I KNEW there was an alterior motive, GET OUTTA HERE, and if I ever see you again I’ll throw so many horrific movies at you it’ll make Resident Evil look like The Godfather.

Paul Anderson: NEVER!! ::fires tranqulizer dart at Paul::

Paul Hernandez: YOU SON OF A.. ::collapses::

Paul Anderson: Ah yes, that was too easy. Now on with the show. To up the ratings for tonight’s event, I have decided to rate this: PG-13 by the MPAA.
PG13
::audience boos::

Paul Anderson: SHUT UP, you’ll keep your mouth shut if you know what’s best for you.

Audience in unison: ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!….

Paul Anderson: Like their opinions matter… tonight’s host is a favorite over at the Coca-Cola camp. He is SO pimp and thugged out, and his commerical was hilarious! Ladies and gentlemen, I present…

DELUX_247!!!!
Delux_247
Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK….

Delux: Ya aight, Delux in the house keepin it real. Aight, true playa from day 1, aight. Welcome to mah crib, yo. The first thug movie tonite is one I liked, especially as a wannabe blunt smoker. This be Delux’s favorite comedy evah, aight? True playa from day 1. Here we go, Half Baked.

Audience in unison: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, HALF BAKED SUCKS, HALF BAKED SUCKS…..::throws cabbage at Delux::

Delux: Yea PFI audience keepin it real..wait, who that be comin’ up on stage? Mr. Anderson?

Paul Anderson: Aw crap, it’s director of GOOD movies OVER 90 minutes long, MICHAEL MOORE!!!
Michael Moore
Audience: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! MICHAEL MOORE, MICHAEL MOORE……

Paul Anderson: ::runs to his lear jet::

Delux: Get off my stage nigga, this aint yo’ shit.

Michael Moore: I owe Mr. Hernandez one, it is YOU who has exactly 5 seconds to leave, got that, KID?

Delux: It’s Delux son, DELUX!!!

Michael Moore: ::fires::

Audience: ::erupts in cheers::

::circus midgets come out and remove Delux’s carcass::

::Paul wakes up::

Paul: That idiot used rat tranqulizer on me, he was probably hoping I’d be knocked out longer than the running time of Alien vs. Predator, he failed. Thanks Michael, I guess we’re even.

Moore: Anytime Paul, keep spreading the word.

Paul: You too man, I can’t wait for your next movie, “Sicko”, about the bullshit of medicare, prescription drugs, and HMO’s in the American medical system. Keep spreading the truth man!! FINALLY, we can get to the BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD. Named as such, for ALLEGED COMEDIES that were less funny than the BUBONIC PLAGUE. In fact, while watching these movie’s I smelled dead rats. Another connotation to the title, one must AVOID these movies like the plague. First up, the atrocious marijuana comedy….
Halfed Baked

Let me put this in the same classification as the Over-rated toiletry recipients. EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER TOLD ME TO SEE THIS. I HESITATED FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO. I mean come on, how funny can a POT movie be. It’s something so cliche’ and overdone, you long for another zombie movie, or “innocent girl learns how to dance via sexy hunk” movie. So I gave in, was bored one day, and watched Half Baked. About 353256432643634 people owe me 45 minutes of my life back. Yes, 45 minutes. See, the movie was so UNXIOUS and NOT FUNNY, I actually gave up halfway through. I NEVER DO THAT, as you all know, I will STAY thru the TORTURE. All the movie was, Harland Williams (pre-Rocketman), and Dave Chapelle (pre- Chapelle show), saying non-funny lines and visualizing non-funny hallucinations that only people WHO HAVE NEVER SEEN A FUCKING CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE WOULD FIND EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY ::CLUBS SEAL:: This tripe was instantly wiped from my memory, and it didn’t take any POT to do so, free will is the most powerful drug of all. WARNING to those who HAVE NOT SEEN HALF BAKED.

DON’T.

A better alternative would be to smoke pot, you’ll actually burn less brain cells, and you’ll LAUGH. These things do not occur while watching Half Baked. Avoid it like the Plague, you’ll thank the PFI later.

Enough of that bullshit. I present the final Bubonic Plague award, to, the single worst comedy ever filmed…
Shallow Hal
WARNING: IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY “FAT” JOKES AND FATNESS IN GENERAL. DO NOT READ ON. THE PFI IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SORROW AS A RESULT OF THIS AWARD, HOWEVER THE FARELLY BROTHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE. TO CONTACT THE FARELLY BROTHERS ABOUT THE TRIPE THAT IS SHALLOW HAL, PLEASE WRITE:

wetriedtoohardforlaughs@shallowhal.com

Let’s get one thing straight here. You ready??

JACK BLACK IS NOT FUNNY.
NOT
NOT
NOT
NOT FUNNY.

There’s more of a chance of my fat ass winning the Tour de France than there is of me ever laughing at anything Jack Black says or does. I’m one who enjoys dry humor. However, Black’s humor is one that is not only dry, but Death Valley after the apocalypse dry. How this man has made it thru Hollywood is BEYOND me. He belongs on a crappy radio station like ::coughZETAcough::, so that all the idiot simpletons can laugh at his blandness without BOTHERING the rest of the American public.

So Shallow Hal is about a guy played by Jack Black, who is shallow towards certain women, because they may be ugly, fat, etc…. The problem that lies within is…

AS IF JACK BLACK HIMSELF ISN’T FAT AND UGLY AS WELL. If they REALLY wanted that STUPID angle to work, they wouldve cast Brad Pitt, who at the time was married to Gwyneth Paltrow. But JACK BLACK? I am sexier than Jack Black, I’m FUNNIER too, this is saying A LOT. I’M SO VAIN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! ::basks::…ok ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Something happens to him, that he begins to see these ugly women as beautiful, but only HE can see the beauty of the women, to everyone else, they’re fat and ugly, and are HORRIBLY insulted.

I’d like to point out to the audience that it takes A LOT to offend me. I’ve signed my way into hell by saying horrible things about 34543678765386538u6538rgrdyh times. However, this movie completely took it to the limit of degrading and insulting. This coming from someone who idolizes Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park. Since the Farrelly brothers realized that fat jokes and ugly jokes can’t make an ENTIRE movie funny, they add a couple of recurring jokes, that end up JUST AS INSULTING and NOT FUNNY. First, there’s this friend of Jack Black’s, who walks on his hands because his legs are paralyzed, or something like that. Not funny. NEVER in my ENTIRE MOVIEGOING STUPOR have I EVER SEEN WRITERS TRY SO HARD TO GET THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH. And you know what the sad part is, they SUCCEEDED, as the theater audience was in tears. I, however, was not. My sense of humor spans continents, keep that in mind. Next, the Jason Alexander character, has an extended tail bone, which he wags towards the end of the movie. I can’t make this up, you have to see it to believe it. Then again, don’t. This had the theater in tears laughing again. It was at this moment I had two epiphanys. #1: America is doomed. #2: These people are HOOPLESTERS. What is a hooplester?

Hooplester (noun), “hoop-ul-stehr”: a hooplester is an idiot simpleton who laughs at the stupidest and most unfunny shit, like a guy with a tailbone wagging it in Shallow Hal. The hooplester an be easily identified by his or her laugh ::HOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLEHOOPLE::. Next time you go see a stupid comedy, take a listen, you’ll hear them.

So anyways, by virtue of meeting TONY ROBBINS in an elevator, Jack Black can now see the true image of the Gwyneth Paltrow character. A 45436464 pound woman who cant fit into her own clothes. He ends up scoffing at her, and she gets pissed at him and leaves her (like we’ve never seen that before). While I was still epiphanizing about America’s doom and hooplesters, the Jack Black character had an epiphany, that he loves this woman for who she is, not how she looks like, and they get married. In reality, he would’ve forgottenĀ the fat woman, and hunted down another Paltrow-esque woman. But this isn’t reality.

The ending is a total backfire. This ending is more fantasy than the bastard child of Harry Potter, Narnia, and Lord of the Rings combined. This movie insults the intellgence of fat people by exploiting their problem, THEN proceeds to make up that fact by giving them FALSE HOPES??? THIS is the sad world we live in ladies and gentlemen. Think I’m an asshole for thinking this way?? I’ve spoken to fat people who AGREE WITH ME. Shallow Hal, that UN FUNNY PIECE OF SHIT RYHREHYREYH ::CLUBS SEAL:: MOVIE contributes to the superficiality and downfall of modern society.

To quote Fernando’s grandma’s call to that IDIOT GERALDO RIVERA, doing a show on how fat people are unhappy.

“I FAT, AND I HAPPY, HE NO FAT AND HE NO ES HAPPY”

Stay tuned as we present the Science Friction award, until then, eat snacky smores.

The PFI Tripe Award: The Romantic Ritalin Award

Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate these movies, and so should you

Show me the money

Let’s get this show on the road!!! Tonight we are proud to present The Romantic Ritalin award, chronicling the 2 shittiest romances ever filmed. And tonight’s host, someone who knows romance like the back of their hand…..CUPID!!!!! Take it away Cupid!!!!!!

Cupid: Thank thee Paul, for I am Cupid, bringer of love, and romance. For I, Cupid, live in the realm of FANTASY, as do these two shittieth movies. Thine prime nominee, feature my greatest enemy, thy GRIM REAPER. Yet thy movie is not about what thine may think….
Meet Joe Black

Paul: Thanks Cupe. You’re right my winged cherub, this movie is not what you think, in fact this movie is so overlong and ridiculous, it doesn’t WANT YOU TO THINK. I present Meet Joe Black. Much like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt is a GREAT ACTOR, despite his heart-throb status, but damn…Meet Joe Black??? I can picture the producers of this movie in the idea room shilling this plot:

“So yeah we have a great idea, we want to get THE GRIM REAPER, and put him in human form.”

Studio: Oh like “The Stand”! And what do you want him to do?

“No not like “The Stand”, we will make him eat lots of peanut butter and fall in love with some annoying bitch for a whopping 2 and a half hours while movies like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban get less screen time due to the dumbing down of America being fat lazy ritalin asses who cant stay in their seat for more than two hours unless it’s cheap fantasy-like romantic tripe like Jerry Maguire (;)).”

Studio: I don’t know man….who is it going to star?

“Brad Pitt”

Studio: IT’S A WRAP!!!! We’ll get working on it right away!!!

Thus was conceived Meet Joe Black, an interesting movie about how the Grim Reaper deals with life on Earth. The movie starts off good enough, as a fish out of water story. Then he meets some woman who’s father death must collect. From this point on I wanted death to knock on my door and collect me from this crappy sentimental piece of crap. Meet Joe Black was also considered for the Waste Management award. I’m sorry, if there’s gonna be a movie about the grim reaper living on Earth, THE LAST FUCKING thing you do is make him fall in love with an incessant spoiled little bitch. In fact while watching the end of Kill Bill: Volume 2, I was reminiscing of how they took a DEMONIC character and made him a SAP like was done in MJB. This is how MJB progresses.

Love scene.
He eats peanut butter.
Love Scene.
He eats peanut butter.
Younger sister of bitch complains how she takes care of dying Anthony Hopkins while bitch and Joe Black make love.
Dramatic love scene that lasts 213412421562634857w37372362648rtfjytotggjtykdtul,dtj4w56653562356 hours by the pool.
He eats peanut butter.
They have a party.
Anthony walks over a bridge and disappears (dies). Sounds like Neo’s death.
Clubs seal.
Roll Credits.

I love it when movies try to be unique and put stupid shit to make it stand out. Ergo, much like the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the peanut butter joke wasn’t funny, it was ridiculous. Meet Joe Black is also the longest romance Ive ever seen. A whopping wrist slashing 2 and a half hours, it took two tapes to watch it. It felt like 20. I have blocked most of this tripe from my memory. Jen Byrne calls it “Meet Joe Block”. I couldn’t agree more.

My dad is the one who told me to see this movie. Mind you my dad hates movies, he only likes 4 or 5 of them. My dad likes The Godfathers 1 and 2, The Sandlot, Ben Hur, and Meet Joe Black.

The Godfathers 1 and 2, Ben Hur, The Sandlot >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black

Purgatory >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black.

However, Meet Joe Black >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the next winner of the Romantic Ritalin award, because AT LEAST Meet Joe Black had an interesting enough premise. UNUTILIZED, but interesting. Cupid your thoughts?

Cupid: Thy Meet Joe Black, makes Cupid sad, thy Cupid is disenfranchised with love and romance, thy Meet Joe Black is fantasy, but thy next winner of Ritalin is even more fantasy than they MJB. EVEN THOUGH THIS NEXT MOVIE HAS NO GRIM REAPER, ONLY REALITY BASED CHARACTERS ::FIRES POISON ARROW AT SEAL::.

Paul: CUPID NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cupid: I apoligizeth Paul, I will compose myself. I hate this job. The winner of the IInd Romantic Ritalin Award goes to…..
Jerry Maguire
THIS AWARD WILL BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS, THIS IS HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE PISSED ME OFF. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO BAD, YOU GET A TRIPE AWARD. MUCH LIKE CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN SUBPLOT, EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER SAID THAT JERRY MAGUIRE WAS A GREAT, FEELGOOD MOVIE. CONSIDER I HAD A FEVER OF 100 DEGREES WHEN I SAW IT, BY THE TIME THE MOVIE WAS OVER IT WAS UP TO 102. I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING THAT UP. ANOTHER TORTUROUS ROMANCE MOVIE THAT SPANS 2 AND A HALF HOURS SHOWING TOM CRUISE SLEEPING WITH THIS WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN. THIS CHARACTER IS PORTRAYED AS A GREAT YET TROUBLED MAN. I’M SORRY IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE SPORTS AGENT WHO GETS THAT LUCKY THE LAST THING I’D CRY OVER IS PEE PEE ZELLWEGGER AND SOME HARRY POTTER ON CRACK REJECT KID. I SAT, FEVER AND ALL, THRU THE WHOLE MOVIE WAITING FOR IT TO BE GOOD. IT NEVER CAME TO BE. JERRY MAGUIRE HAS SOME OF THE WORST LINES IN CIMEMA’S FINE HISTORY.

“SHOW ME THE MONEY”

FUCK YOU SHOW ME THE EXIT.

“HELP ME, HELP YOU”

HELP ME?, FUCK YOU

“YOU COMPLETE ME”

::CLUBS SEAL:: ::WEARS SEAL SKIN:: THE SEAL HAS COMPLETED ME.

I HATED HIS CHARACTER, THERE WAS NOTHING HEARTWARMING WHATSOEVER ABOUT HIM, HE WAS AN ASSHOLE, I WANTED BRAD PITT TO SMOTHER HIM TO DEATH WITH PEANUT BUTTER. THIS MOVIE WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE BY THE ACADEMY. FTJXFRTJKFRTY
CTYKTYXKXTY,LXTL,
KFRTKXRTKXRTJRTJKZRTJKZJKZ5JKER

I THINK WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE TRIPE AWARD I’M PUTTING THEM IN WEBSITE FORM AND SENDING THE HYPERLINK TO THE ACADEMY. MAKE THEM LIVE IN SHAME FOR WHAT THEY HAVE NOMINATED. I REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS TRIPE, I WAS SICK, AND IT SUCKED, THEREFORE IT WAS SUMMARILY DELETED. ROMANCE AS PORTRAYED IN JERRY MAGUIRE IS BULLSHIT. THE GRIM REAPER FALLING IN LOVE IS MORE REALISTIC THAN ALL THE SAPPY HEARTFELT SCENES IN THIS MOVIE. THIS IS FANTASY AT IT’S WORST.

CUPID WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????

Fat Cupid

Shit, these movies retired Cupid!!!! Sorry about that man, I warned you beforehand. Stay tuned next week for the “Movies that Inspire Chris Hahn to Have a Bowel Movement Award”. And ladies and gentlemen, trust me, they inspire me to have one too, and I can DIGEST ROCKS. Good night!!!!

 

THE PFI TRIPE AWARDS: MOVIES THAT INSPIRE CHRIS HAHN TO HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT

PFI Tripe Vol 7
Tonight’s host……ME!!!!!!

.no picture available due to the Patriot act.

Good evening fellow members of the PFI. Tonight we congregate here to pay respects to our soon to be dearly departed. Our guest of honor tonight was not the 40th president of the USA, did not try and stop Martin Luther King Jr. day from happening, did not illegally sell arms to Iran, while also selling arms to Iraq and Saddam, did not train Osama bin Laden to fight the evil Soviets, did not believe that trees caused pollution, did not fail to address and ignore the AIDS epidemic till 1987, and didn’t throw the nation into a horrible recession. Tonight’s guest of honor will be leaving for Cocoa Beach shortly, and tonight, we honor movies that both him and myself hated. These are the movies THAT GIVE CHRIS HAHN BOWEL MOVEMENTS, and me too.

The first recipeint of the Bowel Movement award is a movie I was very fond of in my childhood, then I recently re-saw it for what it was, a poor man’s E.T., I present to you…..

Ronald Regan
Shit wrong picture….

Mac and Me
Ah yes, Mac and Me. Mac and Me need only be dictated in interesting FACTS based on what happens in the movie. Let us begin. These creepy looking aliens (picture E.T. on metamphetamines) are meandering about their planet, there’s a mom, a dad, a daughter, and a little boy. How do we determine their sex?? For some odd reason, we just do, maybe their manneurisms. The aliens get thirsty, so they stick straws into the ground, and drink Coke out of the planet, I swear I’m not making this up. Not Pepsi, not Publix Cola….but COKE. I hope Pepsi doesn’t sue me for breach of contract. (Note to Pepsi, I am pointing out all the product placement in Man and Me, no harm done, Pepsi is STILL the choice of the new generation!!!)

Even though the movie was filmed and took place in the late 80’s, it seems NASA has advanced 53252542425 years as they have probes landing on distant planets and expeditiously bringing rock samples back to Earth. The aliens encounter one of these probes, and get sucked into the probe with a huge vacuum cleaner. THE ENTIRE FAMILY. The Ford Probe brings them to Earth where they are released of course. For some odd reason the young boy alien gets separated from his family. He ends up in the backyard of some “down on his luck” kid and his dysfunctional family(does any of this sound familiar). The kid is in a wheelchair. This is mainly so Steven Spielberg and Universal don’t file a lawsuit.

Anyways, the handicapped kid discovers the alien likes Coke, so, in cinema’s finest example of product placement, there are countelss cans of coke lying around everywhere. Then there’s a scene where the wheelchair kid carrens of a ravine into a lake, and the alien must save him. There’s a shot of the alien underwater that looks like a Japanese goldfish. So E.T. on crack saves Hawking the 2nd and a friendship is born. It’s time to tak the alien to, McDONALD’S!!!!! Yet how are they going to get away with bringing an alien to McDonald’s?? Easy, they put him in a teddy bear suit. Then they have all the employees and patrons of McDonalds break out into song and dance, INCLUDING the alien in the teddy bear suit. The size of the alien changes 5 times in this scene due to the stunt workers flipping around in the bear suit. Then the evil government comes and raids the party. Because of how popular he was at the McDonalds party, they name the alien “Mac”. Now if THAT’s not product placement, I don’t know what is. Mac somehow is reunited with the rest of his family in the desert.

Later on, I forgot how, they all end up at a K-mart type store. The aliens are inside the store, government appears, fires at the store, and it inexplicably explodes. What proceeds is pure retardation. The handicapped kid is at least 800 feet away from the store. FOR SOME REASON THE EXPLOSION KILLS HIM. No scars, burn marks, shrapnel wounds, NOTHING. Book of Jorge. Imagine if I were killed all the way down here in 9/11 due to the explosions in NYC. Yes, it looks that ridiculous in this movie. The aliens come out of the burning store (must’ve been all the coke) and revive the dead kid. This causes the government to parlay, and easily grant the aliens AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. You see them all being sworn in wearing suits and dresses and stuff. I wanted the teddy bear suit back. My father spent YEARS trying to get his citizenship in this country, but these ALIENS FROM PLANET COCA COLA get it IMMEDIATELY upon rescuing a kid. The aliens then drive a pink cadillac and Mac blows a bubble that says “we’ll be back”. Thankfully, they never did. Maybe they were deported? HAHN what do you think?

Hahn: ::DROWNS KITTENS::

Paul: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! At least Mac and Me was supposed to be dumb (I think). This movie was supposed to be SERIOUS AND GOOD. It ended up EVERYTHING BUT. Ladies and gentlemen, start swinging clubs for…….

Alien Resurection

How does one begin to disseminate this piece of shit? Ah yes, DISAPPOINTMENT. Similar in aspects to Mortal Kombat Annhilation, we waited months and months for Alien Resurrection, and much like that sequel of yore, we were left with cinematic blueballs once it was over. Alien Resurrection started off interestingly enough, with a cargo ship crew discovering the existence of a cloned Ellen Ripley. Along with the cloned Ripley came the cloned QUEEN alien, which was inside of her in the duration of Alien 3. Naturally the aliens escape their captivity on this ship, and all hell breaks loose. It’s actually a GREAT movie, until….the last 20 minutes of the movie. Ripley falls thorugh a steel grating on the ship into a pile of alien goo. At the same exact time, the entire movie falls down there with her, into alien goo.

She begins to hug and caress a bunch of aliens. Yes, this is the same Ripley from the original Alien trilogy, who’s life has been destroyed by these horrific creatures.

Alien

Apparently now, she has alien DNA inside of her cloned body, or something. I don’t know, it gives me a headache. So she’s done fellating the aliens, and we see the dreaded QUEEN ALIEN. OH SHIT, HERE WE GO.. SHE’s GONNA KILL BILL..ERR I MEAN THE QUEEN ALIEN!!! Out of nowhere the queen alien GIVES BIRTH to THIS:

Alien Sculpture
THAT piece of artsy fartsy bullshit is a hybrid HUMAN AND ALIEN. It then KILLS the queen alien, thus killing any shot this movie had of being great. In one of the worst lines in movie history, a cocooned scientist says to the newborn hybrid alien “What a beautiful butterfly!” THE HELLFIRE AND AGONY OF THE ALIEN SAGA AND WE GET SOME MORON SAYING “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY???? ::CLUBS SEAL::

Monster
The hybrid alien comes up to him, and crushes his face with his hand. I think the alien was pissed that he was called a BUTTERFLY. I would’ve been too. Anyways, Ripley, realizing this scene is one of the gayest in history, runs out of the room onto the escaping drop ship to Earth. Naturally the hybrid follows “mommy” to the ship, and proceeds to start killing the crewmembers. Ripley must come and stop her “child” from killing people, in a very sentimental, heartfelt scene.

.patriot act strikes again, picture not available.

Awwwww, then she sucks the alien out into space through a tiny hole in the hull as it cries, yes CRIES horrifically. You literally see it’s bowels flying out into space, how’s THAT for a bowel movement?? The crew is on it’s way to Earth, the 3 that are left at least. The end. Whoever’s idea it was to turn Alien into artsy fartsy sentimental bullshit really is deserving of this particular Tripe award. There’s a fine line between dramatic and DUMB. Alien Resurrection certainly breached dumb, then was sucked out into space. Hahn??

Hahn: ::HARPOONS BABY WHALES::

Paul: DAMN YOU HAHN, YOU WONT FIND ANY WHALES TO HARPOON IN COCOA BEACH!!! Farewell my good man!

Tune in next week for quite possibly the most ANGRY, FURIOUS, WRETCHED, and MOST OFFENSIVE of all the tripe awards. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE AWARD, which features the MOST UNFUNNY COMEDIES EVER. Until next week, GOOD NIGHT!!!

The PFI Tripe Awards: The Johnny Depp Shame Award

This award is brought to you by Pepsi, The choice for a new generation.

Johnny Depp Shame Award

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we recover and chillout from the glory of the last award. The award presented tonight is simple, and to the point, unlike the recipients of said awards. Johnny Depp, one of the greatest actors of our era. PFI Best Actor 2003 winner for his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Edward Scissorhands. Ed Wood. Sleepy Hollow. Nick of Time. The list goes on and on of great Johnny Depp movies. But, loyal viewers, the buck stops here. Johnny Depp has starred in two movies so ATROCIOUS, they ALMOST TAKE AWAY from all the great shit he’s done. Tonight’s award was delayed a couple of weeks in order to find a proper host. We needed a host to make sense of these senseless movies, so we searched far and wide, till we hit Westchester, NY. The PFI was so enthralled by what this man had to say about these terrible movies, we decided to have him present this award, as well as destroy the movies with me. I present to you….

Don Vito
DON VITO of MTV’S VIVA LA BAM!!!!

Don Vito: Thank you Paul. I’m shuggapresenting tonight the awards for Johnny Depp’s crappy movies. Idahowhathewas thinking after reading dees scripts. This first award is a LACK of script.
THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE
THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE!!!!

Paul: Thank you Don Vito. After reading these awards, please realize that there is more dialogue in these awards, than in the entire script of The Astronaut’s Wife. And no, this is NOT a good thing. I can tolerate movies with little dialogue. If anyone has seen Quest for Fire, a great movie with not a single word spoken, you’d understand. Quest for Fire worked because what was on screen was captivating and kept us watching. In The Astronaut’s Wife, the set design is just as boring as the minimalist script. Pastels, draperies, about 50fthjntjnmjnrs234521412410 shots of a lamp, etc. Johnny Depp plays an astronaut who comes back from space and impregnates his wife with two alien twins. THERE, THAT’s WHAT THE MOVIE’S ABOUT.

The simplicity of that sentence was the result of 2 hours of boredom and wrist slashing agony. Does that plot sound ridiculous? It’s even worse seeing it play on screen for a mind numbing 2 hours. There’s not really much else to say about The Astronaut’s Wife, as there’s not much said IN THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE. I wish MST3K was still around. They’d have an absolute field day with this piece of crap. Don Vito what did you think??

Don Vito: I didn’t understand a thing, that movie was written by vulcan idiots, plot all discombobulated. Idahowhat it’s about gahber dumb movie wasting my time…Here’s another movie by vulcan idiots….
THE NINTH GATE THE NINTH GATE!!!!!

Paul: Thanks Don Vito. Roman Polanski, director of The Ninth Gate, was extradited from this country back in the 1970’s on the charge of rape. Had that incident never occured, he would’ve been charged with raping the wallet of moviegoers everywhere with the Ninth Gate, and of course, extradited. The Ninth gate is a massive assault on all that is senseful and purposeful. Never before has a movie tried to be so opaque, vague, dark, mysterious, and made all those elements unintentionally funny. 20 minutes into the movie Fernando and I were already destroying it. In fact I’d like to have a Ninth Gate viewing, invite a bunch of people and watch us rip it to shreds. It’s that easy. One shot in particular was extra shitty. Johnny Depp is on the phone, he looks behind him, there’s some dog staring at him. Depp looks back again, and the dog is gone. ::CLUBS SEAL:: THE DISAPPEARING ACT HAS BEEN DONE TIME AND TIME AGAIN, ENOUGH PLEASE. Sadly, the movie did not disappear. Johnny Depp is trying to find a book that opens the gates of hell. He looks everywhere for it, running into Skeletor and the Super Mario Brothers on his quest.

Ok, Frank Langella, and two guys who look like the Mario Brothers. But even THAT would’ve entertained more than this movie. Then he meets quite possibly the most ridiculous female lead since Kate Beckinsale in Pearl Harbor. Some mysterious rhetorical woman who knows about the occult. Nothing she says makes any sense, maybe she also wrote this movie. Notably, there’s a scene where she’s driving somewhere, the way she is driving mimics a old jewish lady with blue hair driving on Collins Avenue on a saturday morning, she’s squinting and everything. She does this for no apparent reason. I so wish I could find a screencap of her face when she’s driving, that’d guarantee everyone reading this to pee in their pants.

There is one good scene in this movie, Skeletor walks in a room of cultists and starts screaming out “MUMBO JUMBO, MUMBO JUMBO!!!” Fernando and I were ecstatic as this was the FIRST THING THAT MADE SENSE IN THE MOVIE. THE MOVIE KNEW IT WAS MUMBO JUMBO!!!! Depp and the Occult woman inexplicably have sex in the last scene of the movie, and the gates of hell open. Depp takes the book and walks into hell, I think. I certainly hope the screenplay for the Ninth Gate was what he was carrying in there. And I hope it doesn’t come out either. This movie was so terrible that we didn’t shut up about it for weeks after we saw it. We’d walk around Braddock screaming out “MUMBO JUMBO, MUMBO JUMBO!!” in honor of the tripe. Don Vito what did you think about The Ninth Gate?

Don Vito: It’s BULLSHIT I didn’t like it.

Paul: Couldn’t have put it better myself Don. Stay tuned next week as we present the ROMANTIC RITALIN award. Good night!!!

The PFI Tripe Awards: Volume 1

PFI

LIVE, FROM THE GREEN PASTURES OF 28 DAYS LATER, THE PFI TRIPE AWARDS!!!!

Ladies and gents, the Paul Film Institute has made a TRIUMPHANT return, to give out awards to NOT SO TRIUMPHANT movies.

We have many special guest presenters lined up for this historic event. Tripe will be served plentifully. Pastures will be mowed, chickens will talk, seals will be clubbed, and the dead will rise!

Disclaimer: THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THESE AWARDS ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE PFI, ANY COMPLAINTS MAY BE DIRECTED TO THAT CHICKEN IN 28 DAYS LATER. MOVIES ARE MADE TO BE ENJOYED, BUT SOMETIMES THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS, WIPING YOUR ASS WITH SANDPAPER IS MORE ENJOYABLE. THEREFORE, IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE GLORIOUS OPINIONS OF THE PFI- ::hands you sandpaper::

Tonight’s award is to be presented by someone many people, including myself, paid $7 to see, but never showed up. Well my friends, you get her here for free!!!!!!

HERE TO PRESENT THE “WASTE MANAGEMENT AWARD”, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE BLAIR WITCH!!!!

MarthaStewart

Thank you, thank you. The first recipient of the Waste Management awards, (appropriately named for movies that were wasted opportunities to be something great), goes to a movie that had everything going for it. Great cast, decent director, and it was based one of the most historically significant events in the 20th century. However, the movie was anything but significant. The first winner of the Waste Management award goes to….”

PEARL HARBOR!!!!

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Paul: As a kid, one of my favorite movies was Tora, Tora, Tora, a strategic and tactical look at the attack on Pearl Harbor. Since the movie was made in 1970, the special effects can’t compare to those we have today. So naturally when I heard about a new Pearl Harbor movie, I pissed myself. When I saw the movie however, I wanted to piss on the screen. Coming off the success of Titanic (though NOT the best movie of all time, it’s still good, so if you think I’m putting that in these awards, go fuck yourself), director Michael Bay figured that since a romance in the midst of tragedy worked so well for Titanic, it would work in Pearl Harbor. What resulted was a disaster greater than THE ACTUAL ATTACK ON DECEMBER 7th, 1941.

The infamous love triangle in Pearl Harbor featured three idiotic characters SO UNLIKABLE that you WANTED the JAPANESE to BOMB THEM. NOBODY liked the love triangle. RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES HATED IT. To make matters worse, the movie was over 2.5 hours, AND THE ROMANTIC TRIPE TOOK UP 3/4ths OF THE MOVIE. To give credit where credit is due, the actual attack sequence is one of the most amazing scenes ever filmed, which is why it PAINS me to give this movie the waste management award. Had the movie been more like Tora Tora Tora, STRATEGY, POLITICS, TACTICS, THEN it would’ve been brilliant. But since the pussification of America is in full swing, it turned into a trashy romance set within the Pearl Harbor attack. OH, let’s not forget the historical inacuracy of sending the Ben Affleck character to fight in the Battle of Britain, even though no American was ever sent to England to fight until AFTER the attack on Pearl Harbor. Also, The anti-climactic “Doolittle raid” on Tokyo at the movie’s conclusion DID LITTLE to save this piece of crap. Watch the 30 minute attack scene, piss on the rest. An American Tragedy indeed. Back to the Blair Witch.

“Thank you Paul, the second recipient of the Waste Management award, is for a movie that was HYPED beyond all belief as an INNOVATIVE new style of filmmaking, but due to the ineptitude of the directors, it actually set horror flicks back 241242365235 years…I am not proud, to present this award to, you guessed it….

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT!!!!!

blair_witch_project

Paul: Thanks Blair Witch!! I think Brian the dog from Family Guy said it best about this movie. “Running thru the woods, running thru the woods, nothing’s happening, running thru the woods, nothing’s happening, something about a map, running thru the woods, movie’s over, people look pissed.” How can a movie with such HORRIFIC acting be perceived as REAL? The movie, made to look like a documentary, was so NON-believable, my friend Chris and I were laughing at it while watching. Naturally though, gullible Americans ate it up, even AFTER the actors themselves APPEARED ON JAY LENO. Fucking morons. BEYOND that, the movie wasn’t in THE LEAST BIT SCARY OR INTIMIDATING. Scratching on a tent from the outside is NOT scary, it’s comedic. Lance Storm is less boring than the Blair Witch Project. Supposedly there were reports of people vomiting in theaters due to the erratic camerawork? ::CLUBS SEAL:: PEOPLE ARE SUCH PUSSIES. drjhsdrjrdfdzjrtjtjtjdtjdjrsghfjtkf. The fact that as little as 2 months after the movie came out on DVD, it was already only $4.99, a testament to the bullshit. That’s the last time I ever see any movie solely based on the hype factor.

The movie poster should read like this:

“In October of 1994, three stupid filmmakers had a great idea, to make a film that looked staggeringly real, but failed, here is the footage.”

That does it for tonight!! Stay tuned as we present the “OVER-RATED TOILETRY” award!! As the band in From Dusk Till Dawn says….”FUCK YOU EVERYBODY GOOD NIGHT!!!! :BOOM::