The PFI Tripe Award: The Romantic Ritalin Award

Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate these movies, and so should you

Show me the money

Let’s get this show on the road!!! Tonight we are proud to present The Romantic Ritalin award, chronicling the 2 shittiest romances ever filmed. And tonight’s host, someone who knows romance like the back of their hand…..CUPID!!!!! Take it away Cupid!!!!!!

Cupid: Thank thee Paul, for I am Cupid, bringer of love, and romance. For I, Cupid, live in the realm of FANTASY, as do these two shittieth movies. Thine prime nominee, feature my greatest enemy, thy GRIM REAPER. Yet thy movie is not about what thine may think….
Meet Joe Black

Paul: Thanks Cupe. You’re right my winged cherub, this movie is not what you think, in fact this movie is so overlong and ridiculous, it doesn’t WANT YOU TO THINK. I present Meet Joe Black. Much like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt is a GREAT ACTOR, despite his heart-throb status, but damn…Meet Joe Black??? I can picture the producers of this movie in the idea room shilling this plot:

“So yeah we have a great idea, we want to get THE GRIM REAPER, and put him in human form.”

Studio: Oh like “The Stand”! And what do you want him to do?

“No not like “The Stand”, we will make him eat lots of peanut butter and fall in love with some annoying bitch for a whopping 2 and a half hours while movies like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban get less screen time due to the dumbing down of America being fat lazy ritalin asses who cant stay in their seat for more than two hours unless it’s cheap fantasy-like romantic tripe like Jerry Maguire (;)).”

Studio: I don’t know man….who is it going to star?

“Brad Pitt”

Studio: IT’S A WRAP!!!! We’ll get working on it right away!!!

Thus was conceived Meet Joe Black, an interesting movie about how the Grim Reaper deals with life on Earth. The movie starts off good enough, as a fish out of water story. Then he meets some woman who’s father death must collect. From this point on I wanted death to knock on my door and collect me from this crappy sentimental piece of crap. Meet Joe Black was also considered for the Waste Management award. I’m sorry, if there’s gonna be a movie about the grim reaper living on Earth, THE LAST FUCKING thing you do is make him fall in love with an incessant spoiled little bitch. In fact while watching the end of Kill Bill: Volume 2, I was reminiscing of how they took a DEMONIC character and made him a SAP like was done in MJB. This is how MJB progresses.

Love scene.
He eats peanut butter.
Love Scene.
He eats peanut butter.
Younger sister of bitch complains how she takes care of dying Anthony Hopkins while bitch and Joe Black make love.
Dramatic love scene that lasts 213412421562634857w37372362648rtfjytotggjtykdtul,dtj4w56653562356 hours by the pool.
He eats peanut butter.
They have a party.
Anthony walks over a bridge and disappears (dies). Sounds like Neo’s death.
Clubs seal.
Roll Credits.

I love it when movies try to be unique and put stupid shit to make it stand out. Ergo, much like the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the peanut butter joke wasn’t funny, it was ridiculous. Meet Joe Black is also the longest romance Ive ever seen. A whopping wrist slashing 2 and a half hours, it took two tapes to watch it. It felt like 20. I have blocked most of this tripe from my memory. Jen Byrne calls it “Meet Joe Block”. I couldn’t agree more.

My dad is the one who told me to see this movie. Mind you my dad hates movies, he only likes 4 or 5 of them. My dad likes The Godfathers 1 and 2, The Sandlot, Ben Hur, and Meet Joe Black.

The Godfathers 1 and 2, Ben Hur, The Sandlot >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black

Purgatory >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meet Joe Black.

However, Meet Joe Black >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the next winner of the Romantic Ritalin award, because AT LEAST Meet Joe Black had an interesting enough premise. UNUTILIZED, but interesting. Cupid your thoughts?

Cupid: Thy Meet Joe Black, makes Cupid sad, thy Cupid is disenfranchised with love and romance, thy Meet Joe Black is fantasy, but thy next winner of Ritalin is even more fantasy than they MJB. EVEN THOUGH THIS NEXT MOVIE HAS NO GRIM REAPER, ONLY REALITY BASED CHARACTERS ::FIRES POISON ARROW AT SEAL::.

Paul: CUPID NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cupid: I apoligizeth Paul, I will compose myself. I hate this job. The winner of the IInd Romantic Ritalin Award goes to…..
Jerry Maguire
THIS AWARD WILL BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS, THIS IS HOW MUCH THIS MOVIE PISSED ME OFF. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT TOO BAD, YOU GET A TRIPE AWARD. MUCH LIKE CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN SUBPLOT, EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER SAID THAT JERRY MAGUIRE WAS A GREAT, FEELGOOD MOVIE. CONSIDER I HAD A FEVER OF 100 DEGREES WHEN I SAW IT, BY THE TIME THE MOVIE WAS OVER IT WAS UP TO 102. I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING THAT UP. ANOTHER TORTUROUS ROMANCE MOVIE THAT SPANS 2 AND A HALF HOURS SHOWING TOM CRUISE SLEEPING WITH THIS WOMAN AND THAT WOMAN. THIS CHARACTER IS PORTRAYED AS A GREAT YET TROUBLED MAN. I’M SORRY IF I WAS A MILLIONAIRE SPORTS AGENT WHO GETS THAT LUCKY THE LAST THING I’D CRY OVER IS PEE PEE ZELLWEGGER AND SOME HARRY POTTER ON CRACK REJECT KID. I SAT, FEVER AND ALL, THRU THE WHOLE MOVIE WAITING FOR IT TO BE GOOD. IT NEVER CAME TO BE. JERRY MAGUIRE HAS SOME OF THE WORST LINES IN CIMEMA’S FINE HISTORY.

“SHOW ME THE MONEY”

FUCK YOU SHOW ME THE EXIT.

“HELP ME, HELP YOU”

HELP ME?, FUCK YOU

“YOU COMPLETE ME”

::CLUBS SEAL:: ::WEARS SEAL SKIN:: THE SEAL HAS COMPLETED ME.

I HATED HIS CHARACTER, THERE WAS NOTHING HEARTWARMING WHATSOEVER ABOUT HIM, HE WAS AN ASSHOLE, I WANTED BRAD PITT TO SMOTHER HIM TO DEATH WITH PEANUT BUTTER. THIS MOVIE WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE BY THE ACADEMY. FTJXFRTJKFRTY
CTYKTYXKXTY,LXTL,
KFRTKXRTKXRTJRTJKZRTJKZJKZ5JKER

I THINK WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE TRIPE AWARD I’M PUTTING THEM IN WEBSITE FORM AND SENDING THE HYPERLINK TO THE ACADEMY. MAKE THEM LIVE IN SHAME FOR WHAT THEY HAVE NOMINATED. I REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS TRIPE, I WAS SICK, AND IT SUCKED, THEREFORE IT WAS SUMMARILY DELETED. ROMANCE AS PORTRAYED IN JERRY MAGUIRE IS BULLSHIT. THE GRIM REAPER FALLING IN LOVE IS MORE REALISTIC THAN ALL THE SAPPY HEARTFELT SCENES IN THIS MOVIE. THIS IS FANTASY AT IT’S WORST.

CUPID WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????

Fat Cupid

Shit, these movies retired Cupid!!!! Sorry about that man, I warned you beforehand. Stay tuned next week for the “Movies that Inspire Chris Hahn to Have a Bowel Movement Award”. And ladies and gentlemen, trust me, they inspire me to have one too, and I can DIGEST ROCKS. Good night!!!!

 

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.