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Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we recover and chillout from the glory of the last award. The award presented tonight is simple, and to the point, unlike the recipients of said awards. Johnny Depp, one of the greatest actors of our era. PFI Best Actor 2003 winner for his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.
Edward Scissorhands. Ed Wood. Sleepy Hollow. Nick of Time. The list goes on and on of great Johnny Depp movies. But, loyal viewers, the buck stops here. Johnny Depp has starred in two movies so ATROCIOUS, they ALMOST TAKE AWAY from all the great shit he’s done. Tonight’s award was delayed a couple of weeks in order to find a proper host. We needed a host to make sense of these senseless movies, so we searched far and wide, till we hit Westchester, NY. The PFI was so enthralled by what this man had to say about these terrible movies, we decided to have him present this award, as well as destroy the movies with me. I present to you….
DON VITO of MTV’S VIVA LA BAM!!!!
Don Vito: Thank you Paul. I’m shuggapresenting tonight the awards for Johnny Depp’s crappy movies. Idahowhathewas thinking after reading dees scripts. This first award is a LACK of script.
THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE!!!!
Paul: Thank you Don Vito. After reading these awards, please realize that there is more dialogue in these awards, than in the entire script of The Astronaut’s Wife. And no, this is NOT a good thing. I can tolerate movies with little dialogue. If anyone has seen Quest for Fire, a great movie with not a single word spoken, you’d understand. Quest for Fire worked because what was on screen was captivating and kept us watching. In The Astronaut’s Wife, the set design is just as boring as the minimalist script. Pastels, draperies, about 50fthjntjnmjnrs234521412410 shots of a lamp, etc. Johnny Depp plays an astronaut who comes back from space and impregnates his wife with two alien twins. THERE, THAT’s WHAT THE MOVIE’S ABOUT.
The simplicity of that sentence was the result of 2 hours of boredom and wrist slashing agony. Does that plot sound ridiculous? It’s even worse seeing it play on screen for a mind numbing 2 hours. There’s not really much else to say about The Astronaut’s Wife, as there’s not much said IN THE ASTRONAUT’S WIFE. I wish MST3K was still around. They’d have an absolute field day with this piece of crap. Don Vito what did you think??
Don Vito: I didn’t understand a thing, that movie was written by vulcan idiots, plot all discombobulated. Idahowhat it’s about gahber dumb movie wasting my time…Here’s another movie by vulcan idiots….
THE NINTH GATE!!!!!
Paul: Thanks Don Vito. Roman Polanski, director of The Ninth Gate, was extradited from this country back in the 1970’s on the charge of rape. Had that incident never occured, he would’ve been charged with raping the wallet of moviegoers everywhere with the Ninth Gate, and of course, extradited. The Ninth gate is a massive assault on all that is senseful and purposeful. Never before has a movie tried to be so opaque, vague, dark, mysterious, and made all those elements unintentionally funny. 20 minutes into the movie Fernando and I were already destroying it. In fact I’d like to have a Ninth Gate viewing, invite a bunch of people and watch us rip it to shreds. It’s that easy. One shot in particular was extra shitty. Johnny Depp is on the phone, he looks behind him, there’s some dog staring at him. Depp looks back again, and the dog is gone. ::CLUBS SEAL:: THE DISAPPEARING ACT HAS BEEN DONE TIME AND TIME AGAIN, ENOUGH PLEASE. Sadly, the movie did not disappear. Johnny Depp is trying to find a book that opens the gates of hell. He looks everywhere for it, running into Skeletor and the Super Mario Brothers on his quest.
Ok, Frank Langella, and two guys who look like the Mario Brothers. But even THAT would’ve entertained more than this movie. Then he meets quite possibly the most ridiculous female lead since Kate Beckinsale in Pearl Harbor. Some mysterious rhetorical woman who knows about the occult. Nothing she says makes any sense, maybe she also wrote this movie. Notably, there’s a scene where she’s driving somewhere, the way she is driving mimics a old jewish lady with blue hair driving on Collins Avenue on a saturday morning, she’s squinting and everything. She does this for no apparent reason. I so wish I could find a screencap of her face when she’s driving, that’d guarantee everyone reading this to pee in their pants.
There is one good scene in this movie, Skeletor walks in a room of cultists and starts screaming out “MUMBO JUMBO, MUMBO JUMBO!!!” Fernando and I were ecstatic as this was the FIRST THING THAT MADE SENSE IN THE MOVIE. THE MOVIE KNEW IT WAS MUMBO JUMBO!!!! Depp and the Occult woman inexplicably have sex in the last scene of the movie, and the gates of hell open. Depp takes the book and walks into hell, I think. I certainly hope the screenplay for the Ninth Gate was what he was carrying in there. And I hope it doesn’t come out either. This movie was so terrible that we didn’t shut up about it for weeks after we saw it. We’d walk around Braddock screaming out “MUMBO JUMBO, MUMBO JUMBO!!” in honor of the tripe. Don Vito what did you think about The Ninth Gate?
Don Vito: It’s BULLSHIT I didn’t like it.
Paul: Couldn’t have put it better myself Don. Stay tuned next week as we present the ROMANTIC RITALIN award. Good night!!!