I have started looking towards Hollywood for new ways of meeting women and getting them to like me. I’ve realized that the most important thing to do is to not have a legitimate well-paying job. This is an absolute no-no and will immediately get you cast as the villian. Also, shaving and wearing nice clothing are both big turn offs, as are full beards. Death threats or murder attempts will greatly increase your chances, as will musical talents.
Here are the things that Hollywood has taught me about how to pick up chicks:
1. Steal cars. Nothing “drives” a woman into “high gear” faster than a man who can use automobile terms in his sexual innuendo.
2. Carry a giant sword, kill thousands of British soldiers, and threaten to kill the woman’s husband, the heir to the throne of England.
3. Replace your weak human skeleton with a cybernetic skeleton, travel back in time, and try to kill the woman. When that fails, travel back in time again except this time, protect her son from mercury poisoning.
4. Go to prison for five years and when you get out, rob her boyfriend’s casino of one hundred sixty million dollars.
5. Do not have a job. Instead, travel along a river and play guitar. Also, grow your hair into a pony tail and have constant stubble. Having previously been an undercover cop in a high school helps.
6. Kill a New York police captain, run to Italy, find a girl walking down the street, then go tell her father that you want to marry her or you will kill him. When you are through with her, blow her up with a car bomb.
7. Carry a guitar case full of guns and kill every man you see. Apparently, when you are finished, she will have no choice but to be with you.
8. Sneak your way onto a giant boat, make up some bullshit about being able to fly, and then freeze to death in the arctic ocean.
9. Grab a friend, sing a song to a stranger, then follow her into the bathroom and offer to have sex with her on the sink. It also helps if you have previously been a pimp, race car driver, or spy.
Finally, the absolute best way of picking up chicks…
10. If the woman’s father doesn’t like you, bring him to an orbiting asteroid, set a nuclear weapon, then take off before he can make it back to the ship.