Confessions of a Keyboard Turner

sleeping baby on keyboard
sleeping baby on keyboard

Confessions of a Keyboard Turner

So I received this e-mail back in the day and I don’t know why because I was never know to be helpful, but rather to make fun of people, but hey, if God gives you lemons you find a new God.

Hi J.A.

I have been reading your articles and after seeing the one about playing A.V. I wanted to ask you about a horrible condition I have. See, the problem is I keyboard turn and I don’t know why. I have been playing wow for a few years and still do it and get totally owned. It has been so bad I haven’t left my room for days, please help.

Timothy Hayden

I use to be a keyboard turner, but then my other testical dropped and I began to use mouse look. Sorry, but too often the symptoms of a keyboard turner also include:

  • Lack of targeting skills
  • Inability to “dance” in Nax
  • Non-PVP’er
  • High pitched voice in Ventrilo
  • Stories about how your mom bothers you while raiding in the raid chat channel

I suggest you start to use mouse look, because it gets your wrist into shape and we all know World of Warcraft players could use a stronger wrist. Also, girls like mouse lookers because it tells them they know how to play with the mouse.

On the other hand I do hate the Counter Strike kids who play a rogue and run around you in circles, using sprint, spinning and jumping like they are on crack. This action makes me want to punch my monitor, but I paid far too much for it and it happens to be my television as well, so, I just try my best to slow them down and picture them nerd raging out slamming their face against the keyboard.

Okay, I will try to be helpful. What you want to do is go into Ironforge (I know you are Alliance, all keyboard turners are Alliance) then go to the great forge and enable mouse look and start walking and looking around. Once you get the hang of this try doing some quests with mouse look and finally log into a BG. You will get owned, though that’s mostly because you just suck at W.O.W, but a trial by fire can sometimes be the best way to learn. I learned in Quake 2 Rocket Arena, so yeah.

Remember keyboard turners are like blind guard dogs, sure they can still get you, but wouldn’t you rather be running at full capacity? Your group and guild will like you much better and tolerate your horrible D.P.S. if you can at least use mouse look.

P.S.

Please go outside and get some sun because I don’t want a letter from your mom about how telling you to learn to use mouse look led to your death. Maybe I should get her to take away your account and make this happen:

P.P.S. Yes, I know that’s a picture of facerolling.

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