Ask…. Sam Fisher

This weeks advise is given by Sam Fisher, who is a veteran of the CIA Directorate of Operations and of U.S. Navy SEAL Team 3. He is an operative of Third Echelon, a secretive division of the National Security Agency. Fisher is extremely agile and an expert in the art of stealth. Fisher was the first person to be recruited as a field operative, of the “Splinter Cell” program for Third Echelon. He works alone in the field — in espionage parlance, he is a singleton. Fisher resides in a townhouse in Towson, Maryland when not on the job.

Picture of Sam Fisher

I always feel sad!

Picture of Dirty Foreign SvenHi, I am 24yrs old and had an arranged marriage. We are first cousins. I have never met this person before nor have I seen him in my life.

Well it started out like this. It has been 2yrs since I got married, my husband loves me, and we have a lovely 17 month old son. But the problem is I’m not happy in this marriage. Sometimes he can change and become moody. I always feel sad, the interests I have – well he doesn’t have those interests.

Last year, I started work after my maternity leave, couple of weeks later, I met a guy who is in the same shift as me. We got involved in chatting and things started from there. I’ve been seeing him for over a year now. He is 32 and married with 2 children. He can tell that I’m not happy in my marriage. At work he buys me drinks and foods etc. He is a very caring person, but, I’ve said to him so many times, that, I want to end this relationship because I don’t want to upset my parents if they find out I’m seeing someone. It will jeopardise my marriage and in the end, I’ll have a bad name. He understands this perfectly, so our meeting times are secret and short. He says, he doesn’t want to hurt my parents nor jeopardise my marriage. He just wants me to stay happy.
He has also said, he cares for me deeply and loves me and also I’ve fallen for him too.. Please could you help me whether I should see this person or not. I know what I am doing is wrong but my husband doesn’t treat me this way, nor does he cares for me. I only get the chance to see my husband on Sundays, as he works nights in a restaurant, and I work an afternoon shift. So we rarely see each other.

Please help!

Sam Fisher Replies –
I contacted the Third Echelon director of operations to spin the disks on this op, it did not take Lambert’s boys long to unearth some pretty disturbing things about the restaurant your spouse “works” at, it is in fact a clean house for terrorists, by clean house, I mean it’s a surveillance black hole, there are no hardwires into it, the walls have been sound insulated and the rooms with windows are unused, meaning soft scanning is not an option, further, in the 3 days we watched the zone of operations no mobile communications emanated from the building. As a precaution we ran a background check on your new “friend” turns out the scum is what black ops call a babysitter, they befriend you, find out if your secure, report back to their cell leads and if required liquidise you. We tagged his landline and overheard a conversation to somebody that he would, quote “love to take you out” Don’t worry, your “friend” won’t have the opportunity, not anymore, by the time they find his body they will need to do carbon dating to find out when he was eliminated. And there is more good news.

The “Restaurant” flat-lined last night, I went in solo and downed 12 tango’s, rigged the gas mains with C4, 30 seconds later, 1 less terrorist cell, and for you, 1 less husband and cousin.. Best of all your completely unconnected to the op. Your free.

Happy to help.

I’m frightened of death

Dear Sam

Picture of Dirty Foreign SvenI am very worried about dying, I’m a 14 year old boy and ever since I watched the TV programme “24” I am scared that terrorist’s will infiltrate our great country, detonate a dirty bomb and I will die. I know its irrational, and the chances of me dying are remote, but I cannot sleep at night. All I can think of is dying, my friends think I’m a sissy when I cry in class, but I cannot help it, what I can do?

Terrified, Texas

Sam Replies-
Interesting to observe that all you care about is yourself, you mention your great country, but make no mention about your family, your mother, sister, your father it seems you only care for yourself, very interesting, our pych guys ran the numbers on the transcript and determined that you were a classic self absorbed delusional, in my language that makes you a threat. Another interesting thing is that regardless of where you send an email from it can be tracked, sure you can send it via a false email address and sign it Terrified, but it makes no difference, we tracked the source of this “cry for help” email back to your house Mr. Terrified, your under the watch of the 3rd Echelon now my friend.

Be good, Be afraid, Behave.

I’m ugly!

Picture of Dirty Foreign SvenDear Sam, I can no longer face myself in the mirror, I used to be pretty when I was young, I married a man who looked after me, I am in my late twenties but after my first son I put on some weight, now my husband has taken to calling me “Chubs” when we are alone, it hurts so much. I do not go out anymore as I feel like everyone is looking at the fat women. I only undress in the dark and I cannot remember the last time we made love. I do love Dave but I don’t think he loves me anymore and I think he is only staying with me because of our son and his words hurt me to the bone.

What should I do?
Desperate

Sam Replies –
Easy answer – Lose some weight
However the easy way is not the Sam way. Wonder where your husband has been for the last week? Wonder no more, I brought him in for some re-education, without going into specifics we have re-programmed his mind to find larger women irresistible, By the time you have read this, new Dave will have returned and you will no doubt be delighted with your re-educated loving husband.
There are side effects to this process of course, it is critical you do not say “Where have you been Dave” this is a trigger phrase that will send him into a psychotic killing frenzy that will only stop when he is stopped.

Happy to help.

Sam.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.