Ask the Fucking Professor Christmas Special.

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor. If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

As a Christmas treat OI has put together a blooper reel of some of the answers of 2007 that Prof is not exactly proud of

Whats the best way to transport sensitive public data?

Well my inquisitve friend there are various methods you could use, most are very expensive, personnaly I cannot see the harm in putting the data onto a dislk and popping them into the internal post. I would not worry about them going missing, who is going to notice?

The lads have been great on the pitch this year and I want to give them a really good xmas party, any suggestions?

Well Alex, I suggest you get a blazing good hotel, put on a free bar, fill the place full of young pissed lasses and a peppering of photographers, not only will they have a fabulous night the good publicity you will generate for the club will make Manchester proud.

I always lose at hide and seek, can you tell me what the best hiding place is?

Oh this is easy, if you really want to vex your opponants simply wait till they take you on holiday and when they go out for a meal fake your own abduction. Make sure you put little specks of your blood on the walls and if possible ensure you hide some toys in their hire car, that will really put them off your scent. You could probably hide for months.

I am currently working with a class of 10 year olds in the Sudan and our currrent project is to name a teddy bear, the class have come with the usual banal names liike “teddy” and “fluffy” but I want somthing that will capture their imaginations, what dio you suggest?

Well Gillian, I would go for somthing that really rings true to the tradition of the country, somthing that will get them talking, try Mohammed. Let me know how it goes.

Happy Birthday, Jesus, have some sprouts. If you have a question for the Professor, don’t send an email to or post it in the forum as the lazy tosser is still on sabatical.

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – Almost There (I hope)

Well guys my due date is tomorrow, and I don’t believe this baby has any intention of making an appearance. I did have some strange abdominal pains at the weekend and almost convinced myself something was happening but apparenlty the pains I’ve been feeling are normal and I will most certainly know when labour starts. I’ll let you know on this one.

I’m now officially the size of a house end, and sound like Bo Selecta’s Mel B any time I need to move from the couch or turn over in bed!! Mick and my mates find this incredibly hilarious, although I am not amused in the slightest. It comes to something when your bump is that big it’s even busting out of maternity tops! Poor Mick is loosing T shirts by the dozen he lost a Jacket a few weeks ago. For those of you who know us or at least Mick can picture the sight of little 5ft3” me wearing his clothes, I must look like someone out of shameless – lol.

All the Christmas presents are bought, most of them wrapped tho I still have a few of Mick’s stashed in the house that need to be wrapped and put under tree. Thank goodness for the interweb. No one would have got a thing from me this year had I not been able to order online, soo much easier than having to face the town centre. I have managed to boob up tho, after thinking I had been clever and organised I realised late last week that I hadn’t sorted my food shopping, bugger. All the time slots for Asda, Tesco and Sainsbursy were full after 17th Dec. Thats no good to me, it’s my fruit and veg that I need (turkey crown was bought a while ago and put in freezer). So a taxi to Morrisons at 7.45am on Sat it is then. I’ll go for opening whizz (well waddle as fast as my ever growing tush will let me) round and fingers crossed be back in a taxi come 8.15am. I hate food shopping at the best of times never mind at Christmas and ready to drop.

For the women out there who have had babies I need to know something. Were you ever made to feel that it was your fault your baby had not come early?? All I’ve had for the past week is smart comments like “Can’t believe you haven’t had that baby yet” “My god you’re hanging on aren’t you”. WTF it aint past my due date yet. The best comment by far is the most common and most stupid “haven’t you had that baby yet” I must get this at least 5 times walking through the village. Does it look like I have had the f**kin baby yet? Is what I want to scream, however last time I was asked I simply replied “yes, I spat him out yesterday, left him at home and decided to keep the bump as I like the look”. This was met with a very confused and shocked look, but I bet that person won’t be asking again. I have a funny feeling these comments are going to start coming thick and fast after tomorrow, then no doubt the house phone will be ringing every day as people want to know why I have not given birth to my baby.

Also why is it that any other time in your life, people just slip you by, no fone calls, no visits to the house, no text message, not even a sodding Christmas/birthday card, then BAM you fall pregnant and the world and his wife come out the wood work? My dad and I haven’t spoken on the fone since he left for Spain last September, we communicate via MSN almost daily, then randomly the house fone rings. “why haven’t you been online” Is my greeting as I answer, no hello, hows you, kiss my arse just straight to appeasing him. Only bloody calls cos I aint been online for 2 days. 2 whole days whilst I happen to be pregnant, no fone call had I not been online for a week due to working 12 hour days. Lets just say it’s very easy to boil my p*ss at the moment and people are doing it ever so well. I think I need to step away from the laptop and make a coffee before I really start to rant. I can feel the boiling and a wisp of steam exiting my ears. Lets hope my next article ends on a happier note, and maybe, just maybe it will be short and sweet as I won’t have time to look at the laptop for looking at my new little man.

Oh before I forget, should I not write anymore before Christmas I hope you all have a wonderful festive time with your families, eat till you pop and drink to you fall over – please feel free to use me as me as an excuse for having an extra drink. I can’t drink even if baby boy is out as I’ll be breast feeding but please, please do indulge yourselves in my share!! x

Anna & Mazipan MWMMM – 19-12-07

Join flu ridden and croaky Anna and Mazipan for another two hours of car crash radio. Playing the best in never-heard-ever-type music and lots of bickering about tea. Featuring this week super special guest and Kensal Rise resident DANNY JOHN-JULES from Red Dwarf who came in for a chat and some fun.

Danny John Jules



Scambaiter – I want to be your representative, Harry!

Harry Jones was a good guy from China who wanted me to represent his business in England, how could I turn down an offer like that?

(21:03:35) harryjones_7: hello
(21:03:46) harryjones_7: i know u are there
(21:03:57) c64glen: I know I am here
(21:03:57) harryjones_7: we need to talk now
(21:05:00) c64glen: now?
(21:05:07) c64glen: sounds urgent
(21:05:22) harryjones_7: so when can we talk now
(21:05:34) c64glen: when can we talk now
(21:05:35) c64glen: yes
(21:06:03) harryjones_7: so we can talk now
(21:06:15) c64glen: I am talking now
(21:06:27) harryjones_7: good
(21:06:35) c64glen: yes, it is
(21:06:40) harryjones_7: i will like to send u the full details
(21:06:51) c64glen: ok, send away
(21:07:39) harryjones_7: ok, hold on why i send it now
(21:07:57) c64glen: why not
(21:08:20) harryjones_7: where are u from?
(21:08:29) c64glen: England
(21:08:41) harryjones_7: good, so i will be so happy if you will be our representative in england
(21:09:29) c64glen: really, how happy?
(21:10:28) harryjones_7: cos our company realy need a representative in england very urgent
(21:10:51) c64glen: right, ok. that sounds good
(21:11:14) harryjones_7: just hold on why i send the details now
(21:12:13) harryjones_7: are u there?
(21:12:19) c64glen: hang on
(21:12:24) c64glen: I’m just checking my email
(21:12:27) harryjones_7: have u recive it?
(21:12:33) c64glen: hang on
(21:13:04) harryjones_7: kindly go through it very slow so u could understand very good
(21:14:39) c64glen: ok, ok
(21:14:42) c64glen: I got it
(21:14:56) c64glen: so you is called “SUCCEED_TEXINDEX” ?
(21:15:35) harryjones_7: yes
(21:15:44) c64glen: what does that mean?
(21:16:02) harryjones_7: that is the name of the company
(21:16:27) c64glen: ok, it’s a strange name with an underscore and all
(21:16:41) c64glen: So, it’s a china company?
(21:16:50) harryjones_7: u mean the subject
(21:17:21) c64glen: So, it’s a china company?
(21:17:50) harryjones_7: yes, you can see it in the details and web site
(21:18:05) c64glen: but I thought you where from Darkest Africa
(21:19:06) harryjones_7: know
(21:19:11) harryjones_7: how?
(21:19:34) c64glen: because you said you were, didn’t you?
(21:20:03) harryjones_7: know
(21:20:07) harryjones_7: when?
(21:20:17) c64glen: what is ‘know’ ?
(21:20:28) harryjones_7: i mean no
(21:20:37) c64glen: say no then, it’s confusing
(21:20:44) c64glen: So you are from China?
(21:21:12) harryjones_7: yes
(21:21:32) harryjones_7: any problem
(21:21:35) c64glen: Cool. So you speak Chinese and everything?
(21:21:50) harryjones_7: yes
(21:21:53) c64glen: Eat Chinese Food?
(21:22:03) harryjones_7: with good english
(21:22:22) c64glen: You eat the English?!?!
(21:22:25) harryjones_7: have u gone through the details?
(21:22:34) c64glen: I’m going through them now
(21:22:40) harryjones_7: ok
(21:22:44) c64glen: So do you know Kung-Fu?
(21:22:45) harryjones_7: are married?
(21:22:57) harryjones_7: are u marriend?
(21:23:10) c64glen: Why, Harry? Are you going gay on me?
(21:23:13) harryjones_7: sorry pls i mean married
(21:23:24) harryjones_7: no
(21:23:27) harryjones_7: why that
(21:23:32) harryjones_7: am just asking
(21:23:38) c64glen: Because, you know that might not be a bad thing, you know
(21:23:42) c64glen: I’m just saying
(21:23:48) c64glen: So the Kung-Fu?
(21:24:06) harryjones_7: yes
(21:24:13) c64glen: You kick asses?
(21:24:44) harryjones_7: so do u like kung fu?
(21:25:23) c64glen: I like Bruce Lee, I think he could shit out Chuck Norris for Breakfast and then eat Vin Diesel in some sort of low fat brunch
(21:25:50) harryjones_7: realy
(21:26:20) c64glen: yes, very much so. He is the strongest of all the fighters, even Stronger than Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Worrier
(21:26:38) harryjones_7: yes
(21:26:49) c64glen: Hang on, I’ve got to take a shit
(21:26:56) harryjones_7: let talk about business pls
(21:29:46) harryjones_7 just sent you a Buzz!
(21:37:53) c64glen: right I’m back
(21:38:01) harryjones_7: ok
(21:38:20) harryjones_7: so i belive you have gone through the details
(21:38:43) c64glen: I was looking at the picture
(21:39:06) c64glen: is that the factory?
(21:39:37) harryjones_7: i will like you to fill the information needed so that i could forward it to the board of directors and get back to you
(21:39:50) harryjones_7: yes that is the factory
(21:39:53) c64glen: away, harry. I’m asking the questions here.
(21:40:01) c64glen: Stop hurrying me
(21:40:07) c64glen: I want to get all this right, ok?
(21:40:08) harryjones_7: no problem
(21:40:26) c64glen: So you have lots of machines, but no people working them?
(21:40:34) c64glen: Are your machines mindless robots?
(21:40:42) harryjones_7: no
(21:40:46) harryjones_7: you are funn
(21:41:00) c64glen: This is very serious, Is there a possibility these machines could become evil?
(21:41:06) harryjones_7: that is just a pic of the factory
(21:41:31) c64glen: I have seen many things on the television about machines becoming evil and I think I would worry about that if I was a representative
(21:41:38) harryjones_7: i love some one like u so mucvh cos u ask a lovely question
(21:41:56) c64glen: thank you harry. I love you too
(21:41:58) c64glen: so moving on
(21:42:18) c64glen: “We make lots of supplies to some of our clients”
(21:42:28) c64glen: What supplies do you make?
(21:42:32) harryjones_7: i dont know what to say again cos a just laughhing over here
(21:42:46) harryjones_7: carpet rugs for now
(21:43:03) c64glen: I asure you I am not laughing this is very serious business for me
(21:43:17) c64glen: so Carpets, that is good.
(21:43:44) c64glen: Also, I note “Pls note you dont have to be a book keeper to apply for the job.”
(21:44:11) c64glen: I own some books will this be a problem?

Harry stopped talking to me after this, which is shame because it looked a like a really profitable business endeavour.

Scambaiter – I still did not kill my wife, lrn_fish!

lrn_fish was one the scamming jerks that had added me to yahoo messenger a while ago but until stop talking to me after I kinda said I may have killed my wife.

(5:55:47 PM) lrn_fish: hi
(5:55:55 PM) c64glen: harrlo
(5:56:29 PM) lrn_fish: wassup
(5:56:33 PM) lrn_fish: how have u ben
(5:56:44 PM) c64glen: I have been, and how have you?
(5:56:47 PM) lrn_fish: each time i come around u are always idle
(5:56:59 PM) c64glen: because I’m not always at my computer
(5:57:11 PM) lrn_fish: have been too
(5:57:23 PM) c64glen: that is great
(5:57:36 PM) lrn_fish: well
(5:57:43 PM) lrn_fish: no workin today?>
(5:57:51 PM) c64glen: not much no
(5:58:19 PM) lrn_fish: hope nothing much?
(5:58:42 PM) c64glen: I hope for that too
(5:58:59 PM) lrn_fish: hows ur gf
(5:59:17 PM) c64glen: ur gf? what is that?
(5:59:27 PM) lrn_fish: girl friend
(5:59:57 PM) lrn_fish: u told me u had 1 the last time
(6:00:19 PM) c64glen: erm, no
(6:00:21 PM) c64glen: I didn’t
(6:00:28 PM) c64glen: I had a girl friend
(6:00:31 PM) c64glen: but she died
(6:00:44 PM) lrn_fish: oh am sorry
(6:00:56 PM) c64glen: I may have sodomised her corpse, but she is dead
(6:01:51 PM) lrn_fish: i am in a dilenma
(6:02:11 PM) c64glen: what’s a dilenma?
(6:02:24 PM) c64glen: Is that a dirty disease?
(6:02:35 PM) lrn_fish: no
(6:02:19 PM) lrn_fish: i really need some help from a friend
(6:02:29 PM) lrn_fish: am in a tight corner right now
(6:02:51 PM) c64glen: are you stuck in the corner? is that where the computer is?
(6:03:13 PM) lrn_fish: its a situation where u have two unfavorable options at ur reach,
(6:03:24 PM) lrn_fish: where are u now?
(6:03:33 PM) lrn_fish: are u in the states
(6:03:37 PM) c64glen: at my computer
(6:03:41 PM) c64glen: which is in the corner
(6:03:47 PM) c64glen: but I’m not stuck in the corner
(6:03:51 PM) c64glen: or at the computer
(6:03:59 PM) c64glen: no matter what people say
(6:04:12 PM) lrn_fish: i dont mean corner literally, i mean it literary
(6:04:23 PM) lrn_fish: are u a numbskull?
(6:04:33 PM) lrn_fish: or a schmuck
(6:04:38 PM) lrn_fish: or a schnook
(6:04:47 PM) lrn_fish: or a nimcompoo?
(6:04:57 PM) lrn_fish: did u go to school at all?
(6:05:00 PM) c64glen: I choose nimcompoo
(6:05:04 PM) lrn_fish: are u a kid?
(6:05:07 PM) c64glen: nimcompoo, sound cool
(6:05:09 PM) lrn_fish: good
(6:05:23 PM) lrn_fish: i gat to go
(6:05:28 PM) lrn_fish: talk to u soon
(6:05:47 PM) c64glen: ok, but i herd u liek mudkip.
(6:05:50 PM) lrn_fish: i hope u are at ur computer next time alright , so take care nimcompoo
(6:06:02 PM) lrn_fish: later
(6:06:05 PM) c64glen: ta-ta
(6:06:15 PM) lrn_fish: cha -cha

Mr Fish seems to be getting quite brave, insulting his betters. Just wait until I speak to him again.