The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – Almost There (I hope)

Well guys my due date is tomorrow, and I don’t believe this baby has any intention of making an appearance. I did have some strange abdominal pains at the weekend and almost convinced myself something was happening but apparenlty the pains I’ve been feeling are normal and I will most certainly know when labour starts. I’ll let you know on this one.

I’m now officially the size of a house end, and sound like Bo Selecta’s Mel B any time I need to move from the couch or turn over in bed!! Mick and my mates find this incredibly hilarious, although I am not amused in the slightest. It comes to something when your bump is that big it’s even busting out of maternity tops! Poor Mick is loosing T shirts by the dozen he lost a Jacket a few weeks ago. For those of you who know us or at least Mick can picture the sight of little 5ft3” me wearing his clothes, I must look like someone out of shameless – lol.

All the Christmas presents are bought, most of them wrapped tho I still have a few of Mick’s stashed in the house that need to be wrapped and put under tree. Thank goodness for the interweb. No one would have got a thing from me this year had I not been able to order online, soo much easier than having to face the town centre. I have managed to boob up tho, after thinking I had been clever and organised I realised late last week that I hadn’t sorted my food shopping, bugger. All the time slots for Asda, Tesco and Sainsbursy were full after 17th Dec. Thats no good to me, it’s my fruit and veg that I need (turkey crown was bought a while ago and put in freezer). So a taxi to Morrisons at 7.45am on Sat it is then. I’ll go for opening whizz (well waddle as fast as my ever growing tush will let me) round and fingers crossed be back in a taxi come 8.15am. I hate food shopping at the best of times never mind at Christmas and ready to drop.

For the women out there who have had babies I need to know something. Were you ever made to feel that it was your fault your baby had not come early?? All I’ve had for the past week is smart comments like “Can’t believe you haven’t had that baby yet” “My god you’re hanging on aren’t you”. WTF it aint past my due date yet. The best comment by far is the most common and most stupid “haven’t you had that baby yet” I must get this at least 5 times walking through the village. Does it look like I have had the f**kin baby yet? Is what I want to scream, however last time I was asked I simply replied “yes, I spat him out yesterday, left him at home and decided to keep the bump as I like the look”. This was met with a very confused and shocked look, but I bet that person won’t be asking again. I have a funny feeling these comments are going to start coming thick and fast after tomorrow, then no doubt the house phone will be ringing every day as people want to know why I have not given birth to my baby.

Also why is it that any other time in your life, people just slip you by, no fone calls, no visits to the house, no text message, not even a sodding Christmas/birthday card, then BAM you fall pregnant and the world and his wife come out the wood work? My dad and I haven’t spoken on the fone since he left for Spain last September, we communicate via MSN almost daily, then randomly the house fone rings. “why haven’t you been online” Is my greeting as I answer, no hello, hows you, kiss my arse just straight to appeasing him. Only bloody calls cos I aint been online for 2 days. 2 whole days whilst I happen to be pregnant, no fone call had I not been online for a week due to working 12 hour days. Lets just say it’s very easy to boil my p*ss at the moment and people are doing it ever so well. I think I need to step away from the laptop and make a coffee before I really start to rant. I can feel the boiling and a wisp of steam exiting my ears. Lets hope my next article ends on a happier note, and maybe, just maybe it will be short and sweet as I won’t have time to look at the laptop for looking at my new little man.

Oh before I forget, should I not write anymore before Christmas I hope you all have a wonderful festive time with your families, eat till you pop and drink to you fall over – please feel free to use me as me as an excuse for having an extra drink. I can’t drink even if baby boy is out as I’ll be breast feeding but please, please do indulge yourselves in my share!! x

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.