Scambaiter – I did not kill my wife, lrn_fish!

lrn_fish was one the scamming jerks that had added me to yahoo messenger a while ago but until this point had never contacted me.

[13:37] lrn_fish: hi
[13:38] lrn_fish: Buzz!!
[13:38] c64glen: Hey
[13:38] lrn_fish: are u there
[13:38] lrn_fish: hi
[13:38] lrn_fish: how have u been
[13:38] c64glen: I am good
[13:39] c64glen: and you
[13:39] lrn_fish: not bad
[13:39] lrn_fish: hows ur g friend
[13:40] c64glen: my g friend?
[13:40] lrn_fish: yea how is she
[13:41] lrn_fish: or u mean to tell me she doesnt exist
[13:41] c64glen: No, she is dead
[13:41] lrn_fish: oh
[13:41] lrn_fish: am sorry.
[13:42] c64glen: Yes, I am sorry too
[13:42] lrn_fish: so for how long she’s being dead
[13:43] c64glen: A couple of days now
[13:43] lrn_fish: really
[13:43] lrn_fish: u must be very sad
[13:43] c64glen: aye, hopefully no one will notice
[13:44] lrn_fish: was it an accident or just natural
[13:46] c64glen: Yes it was
[13:46] c64glen: A natural accident
[13:46] c64glen: I didn’t kill her
[13:47] lrn_fish: an accident? oh
[13:47] lrn_fish: i know, i couldnt have thought u killed ur gfriend
[13:47] c64glen: Yes, I didn’t kill my girlfriend, no matter what they tell you
[13:47] lrn_fish: where are u now
[13:48] c64glen: I am in secret location
[13:48] lrn_fish: you mean they ve been lookin for you
[13:49] c64glen: Why would they look for me, I haven’t done anything. I never even had a knife
[13:50] Meebo Message: lrn_fish is offline

For some reason Mr Fish didn’t want to speak to me after this, but he will be back.

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – No More Shopping

Well after an uneventful Sunday and Monday I decided to have a wander round Tesco on Tuesday, not only did I need to get out the house I thought a bit of spending would do me good, also My friend Kirsty as Mentioned in a previous blog was coming over to show of her new baby and I needed some wrapping paper for her presents. Tescos was mad. I got there for 9am and it was packed out. After my last venture into the public I decided to take a deep breath and not let anyone bother me. I enjoyed wandering round the Christmas aisles and also the babywear, there was so much I could have bought for James but I have so much already, I eventually got home for just before 11am. I was quickly putting the stuff away when I lunged forward to pick up a bag, only problem – I wasn’t going to stop. Using the edge of the bench I managed to pull myself back up but then I couldn’t stop going backwards. Inevitably I ended up flat on my back on the kitchen floor in complete shock. I managed to pull myslef together in time for Kirsty and Millie to show up. Kirsty checked I was ok, which I was at the time, albeit a little freaked but ok. James was kicking as he usually does at that time of day so I wasn’t worried. About an hour after Kirsty left I had the strangest pain in my tummy, was sort of a cramp like pain running from the centre of my chest down to my tummy button. I got on the phone to ward 17 who told me not to worry but to go down and get checked over to be on the safe side. I called my other mate Sarah who picked me up and took me over.

I got checked over, listened to his heart beat – which always mesmerises me, then had my blood pressure taken. Everyhing was fine with James however it was me having problems, my blood pressure was high and my heart beat was racing. Not dangeroulsy high but hih for me as it has been low and at the same rate throughout my pregnancy. The nurse put it down to the shock of what had happened, and wanted to keep me in overnight, but as I was chaperoned when I went in and didn’t have any overnight gear she let me go home but not before foning my midwife to tell her I’d been down and if my blood presure hadn’t dropped come Friday when I had my 36 week check I was to be sent back to hospital to be checked.

So that was me bedridden as of Wednesday, I only left my bed to eat and visit the bathroom for 2 days. It did me some good tho, I obviously needed the rest as all I did was sleep. Friday I went to see the midwife, all was good, my blood pressure was slighly high but had dropped a lot since Tuesday so she was happy with me. Time to run through the birth plan, I honestly didn’t know it was so complicated. Of course Mick was down as my birth partner, but then it was time to look at the pain relief side of things. I had already decided that I would be wanting gas and air, no questions on that. Due to previous lower back injuries I’ve ruled out an epidural. The question was now do I opt for pethadine or diamorphine or do I attempt the birth without them The problem have with both of these drugs is that they injected into your blood stream therefore go straight into the babies blood stream, this is something which I’m not to fussed on to be perfectly honest. After discussing with the midwife we wrote on the birth plan that I would not rule out diamorphine as this apparently is not as bad as pethadine, however I have no intention of going into the delivery suite and asking for this right away. She also mentioned something called meptid. She advised that meptid does not have any side affects to baby however is not as strong as diamorphine or pethadine so I’m serioulsy considering this if I can handle the pain to a certain degree. I must insist that I am no Martyr when it comes to pain but will have to wait and see how I get on.

She also told me that James head was in the right place although his head wasn’t yet engaged. In order to help this motion she advised that long walks would do the trick, due to the force of gravity it helps baby to move down. Now at 8 months pregnant taking ny form of exercise is not welcome however I’m determined this baby will not be going overdue, I refuse for my child to claim squatters rights especially over Christmas ad New year as my date to be induced should I need it would be Jan 1st. I think not!!!

So that was that then, I needed to do some walking, I had some post for the parents that needed to be sent over to them in sunny Spain. My usuall trick would be to call at the post office for around 11.50am do my thing then take myself a little further up the road to the pub and meet my mates for a few pints of diet coke. Not this Saturday. In order to help my babe engage his head I decided to go the the post office earlier – before the pub opened therefore ensuring I had to leave the house twice. Now I have to tell you that any normal week this would not phase me in the slightest, the walk to post office even with my little legs usually takes no more than 15 mins to get there and back. At the minute I just to say get this done in 30.

I managed the post office trip just fine sent my letters to the old fella, which cost a massive £2.19. I’ll be claiming that back in the new year when he comes to visit his grandson! The trip to the pub was quite nice too, I decided to take it easy pop my headphones in and Jazz my way through the village. I had a cracking afternoon, didn’t even spend a tenner.

Later in the day I started having the strangest pains in my pelvis and bum!! After tea I spent a goo hour rocking on the settee, I’m almost convinced he has engaged his little head. I have never felt so uncomfortable in all my life. I spend a good hour n MSN to Mick’s sister asking her advice as she has had 2 children. From what I explained to her she agreed that it sounded like the babe had engaged his head. I’m booked back at the midwife on 10th December so will not doubt have this confirmed then. Although one of Mick’ friends has bet me a bottle of Whiskey that James will be in the world either on the 10th or before. Some of the regulars in the pub are even taking bets that he will be out and about within the next 2 weeks. I’ll have to wait and see. I will let you guys know. I’m contemplating leaving a post in the official baby thread that just simply says LABOUR. That way if both Mick and I are quiet for a days or so you know why. I assume that a certain proud daddy would post pictures as soon as we got home. I’m starting to feel a mix of emotions now, I’m anxious for the birth as I have no idea what is facing me, but I’m excited to meet the little boy who has shared my body for the past 8 months as he is what it’s been all about. I’m for for some breakfast now. Hopefully I won’t be injuring myself again and will be updating you all with some kind of boring sh*te again in the next few days.

Scambaiter – Who do you want to marry Osmaney?

Osmaney claimed to be somali refugee living in south africa, who wanted to move to the US and What better way to get a green card then marry a member of the ObscureInternet staff?

Fact fans may be interested to know this was the first scammer to contact us via Myspace IM.

(11:36:08 AM) osmaney: hello
(11:36:19 AM) osmaney: ok
(11:36:36 AM) osmaney: can you help me
(11:41:48 AM) hello
(11:44:19 AM) osmaney: hello
(11:44:34 AM) you wanted help?
(11:45:02 AM) osmaney: yes
(11:45:40 AM) so how can I help?
(11:46:51 AM) osmaney: i am somali my name is mohamed i live in south africa ,i mean i am a refugee so
(11:47:13 AM) right, ok
(11:47:34 AM) osmaney: i want to get green card loterry but i do not have
(11:47:51 AM) osmaney: any gerrn card o visa
(11:47:56 AM) ok
(11:48:28 AM) osmaney: also i want to be one of the winners of this year
(11:49:01 AM) so naturally you asked us…
(11:49:07 AM) osmaney: because i am afraid here because there is to much killings
(11:49:48 AM) indeed
(11:50:01 AM) so naturally you asked us…
(11:50:11 AM) a humour website
(11:50:21 AM) osmaney: you know the only reason that i run away my country is no peace
(11:50:30 AM) have you thought of marrying a us citizen?
(11:50:51 AM) you could marry one of our members for a small fee
(11:51:04 AM) osmaney: ok
(11:51:13 AM) have a look at our pictures, and pick the one you like the best
(11:51:25 AM) osmaney: ok
(11:51:43 AM) osmaney: so where is that pictures
(11:51:48 AM) on our profile
(11:51:59 AM) osmaney: ok
(11:52:53 AM) osmaney: i could do every thing that you need me
(11:53:15 AM) have you picked a member yet?
(11:53:20 AM) osmaney: so please and please try to help me
(11:53:30 AM) osmaney: no
(11:53:37 AM) look here
(11:54:00 AM) osmaney: ok
(11:56:31 AM) have you picked one?
(11:57:08 AM) osmaney: yet i did no see pictures
(11:57:31 AM) what did you see?
(11:57:54 AM) osmaney: ather picture
(11:58:07 AM) osmaney: but i did no see girls
(11:58:17 AM) you want to marry a girl?
(11:58:27 AM) Oh, that will cost lots of money….
(11:58:32 AM) do you have lots of money?
(11:58:45 AM) osmaney: no
(11:58:55 AM) osmaney: you say to members
(11:58:59 AM) then you will have to marry one of the men
(11:59:10 AM) osmaney: so i am looking members
(11:59:19 AM) osmaney: no
(11:59:43 AM) osmaney: men for what i am a man
(11:59:53 AM) osmaney: are carzy
(12:00:04 PM) osmaney: i am not a lady
(12:00:15 PM) no, men marrying men in US is ok.
(12:00:21 PM) Do you want to come to US or not?
(12:01:21 PM) osmaney: if i want who could be the wife me or anather gay
(12:02:04 PM) you could take turns, or toss for it
(12:02:36 PM) osmaney: i could take
(12:02:54 PM) I bet you could

Osmaney disapeared stopped talking to us after this, but we still got the odd message on myspace, but only because his account has been phished, silly Osmaney.

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – pushchair problems

Apologies for not updating aap on Saturday as promised, the assembly of the pushchair was non existent. After being ordered by Mick not to attempt the asembly until he came home from work around 6/7pm I finally cracked a little after 4pm and broke the box open. I was slightly dismayed to find the pushchair fully assembled. All I needed to do was familiarise myself with how to open and close it along with working out how to use either the stroller chair or the car seat on the main frame. It’s curently sat in the front room with car seat attched awaiting for the cupboard under the stairs to be clutter free so it can be housed. I have to admit I believe I’ve made a good decision wih this pushchair, its quite light and very narrow in comparison to some of the burly beasts you can buy.

I was orginally wanting the quinny buzz, purely based on the fact that it too looked to be light and narrow but also that you were able to have the chair in the rear facing position so little one was always looking at you, but when my friend took me to mothercare for a play I found it to be one of the most horrid contraptions I’d ever seen. – Apologies if anyone reading has one but it simply wasn’t my taste. So I opted for the I’coo plamsa Ipod. Me and Sarah were having a good old play with this, pushing it round the pram section pulling it apart and putting it back together. Yes, this was definatley the one for me. The sales wife came over to see if we needed any help and pointed out that the pushchair had an Ipod docking station. Excuse me?? Yes an Ipod docking station so baby can listen to tunes when your out and about. How class is that!!! So pushchair and car seat fully paid for and orded I had only one problem. I didn’t have an Ipod. That didn’t phase me, a few weeks back we had my brother staying over whilst he worked the outage at the power station, lets just say he arrived with an Ipod but certainly didn’t leave with one!!! We’ve had a play with the Ipod, it goes into the hood for the main chair, I have to admit I did need Mick for this bit. I tried to get it working but was obviously having a true blonde moment when I deemed the Ipod to be the wrong type because I couldn’t get it working. I passed it to Mick as “women and technology don’t work” as I was arguing my case the Ipod sprung to life and music could be heard. It’s quite load so I’ll need to keep an eye on that. It will need emptying of my brothers music and something more tasteful added to it. The choice of music is a little worrying mind as Mick and I have very different tastes. I’ll be having a little classic fm for babies and a bit of jazz on there whilst Mick has announced that he’ll be adding a little Korn and smashing pumpkins. My dad who bless him is quite a young and modern 57 has stated that his grandson will be listening to Reggae when it’s Grandy’s play time. My poor child has no chance, yes he may have an eclectic taste for music but he’ll be very confused at a young age.

Although Friday was non eventful for me, My mate Kirsty as mention in a previous article gave birth to healthy baby girl weighing in at 8lbs 5. I got a fone call from her fella around 2.45 happilly declaring that Millie came into the world at 2min past 2 that afternoon. I had a brief chat with Kirsty, she was well, a little battered and bruised but thankfully suffered no tearing/cutting so therefore was not in need of any stitches. We ended the call with her promising to call me when she’s up for visitors and going back to enjoy her new bundle. Now I would be a liar if I said I hadn’t felt a pang of jealousy that she had her baby in her arms and I still have a little over 4 weeks to go, but I know my time will soon come. So now I’m an auntie and can’t wait to meet the addition to the clan. Kirsty sent me a picture last night and whilst I can’t say she’s the cutest baby in the world as that title will go to my little James when he is born she is certainly the cutest baby girl on the face of the planet!

Saturday started off as a bit of drudge, nothing much happening and no energy to actually do anything anyway. I did get a bit of a nice surprise through the post tho. £50 of capital bonds vouchers from work celebrating that the company had come top with Osprey for operations right across the board for 2006/07. They don’t expire until September 2010, so I’ve decided to keep the for after James is born and treat me. For as long as I can rember now I have been buying baby things and once he’s out that’ll be it. No treats for mum as baby will come first, so a new oufit with the vouchers once the baby weight has gone wil come in handy.

My mate Sarah popped over saturday afternoon, she came armed with a moses basket and stand along with a bouncer. One less thing to spend on, they are both in great condition just need a spin in the washer, she did apologize for not washing them but then stated she knew I would only wash them anyway, which is true. When she first told me I could have them I had ordered her not to bother giving them a clean as me being would only do it anyway. We had a good natter for a few hours then she had to go pick up her little girl from her aunties. Mick was on a night out with mates in boro, so I was dressd in pj’s by 7 and comfy in bed watching a bit of pikey tv. Come 8.30 I was writhing around the bed in agony yet again. For the past 2 nights I been having braxton hicks conractions (prentend contractions), the midwifes state that they are painless but I beg to differ. They bloody knack, if these things are prentend then I dread to think what the real deal is like!!!

Today I’m hoping to again do nothing, perhaps a bit of clothes washing for Mick and I – He will certainly need clean clothes for work. I may even have a snooze later as I’ve been awake quite early today. I used to spend the weekend in the local pub with my mates getting trollie and up until now it hasn’t bothered me that I can’t do it, but even at 8 am this morning I could quite happily do some damage to the Stella pump. Best make a coffee me thinks and banish all thoughts of alcohol.

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – House bound

After turning little vests and other clothes inside out there wasn’t much for me to do on Wednesday aside from washing more clothes, so after popping another load into the machine I took myself to the end of the street to catch the 9.15 bus into town. The morning started well, this bus is usually full of old people going into town for their pensions/blue rinses and can get quite full/noisy so I was well prep’d with my head fones to listen to my MP3’s. The bus was actually reasonably quite, I was having fun sitting listening to the chigaco soundtrack whilst James made some funny shapes of my tummy.

Once in town I headed off to primark for a few nightie and some big knickers. Usually I don’t do big knickers and can’t actually remember when I last wore a pair but as I’ll need em after James is born I thought i’d best get used to them Primark was quite busy so I waddled round as fast as my every growing tush could take me.

I should have known my day was going too well as in the next shop I had a to do with an old lady resulting in her crying her eyes out. There I was minding my own business in the pund shop looking at the shampoo’s and shower gels when not only once but twice the crouchy old bint ran her shopping carrier over my foot. Not content with that she even rammed the bloody thing up the back of my leg then turned to her husband and declared “young uns these days have no respect, the won’t move out your way”. As those of you who know me will understand that this is not a good comment to make at any time let alone when I’m 35 weeks pregnant. I saw red!! Turned to the old bag and boldy shouted – and I qoute “If you need to get passed me all you had to do was say excuse me please. And if that bloody thing comes near me again I swear to almighy god I will shove it up your arse!!. No sooner had I finished my sentance she was in tear muttering something to her husband. He was stiffling his giggles, and I was muttering “for f*cks sake” as i put my shopping basket down and walked out the shop. I do beleive I could be on the next episode of crime watch. That was enough for me. I called into savers at the top of the ramp for some loo roll and headed for the bus home, my piss boiling all the way. The next person to bother me would surely end up in A&E. Thanks fully the bus came almost immediatley and was quite. Phew!!! I was saved from a posible police record.

Safely home I put away what little shopping I had bought, unloaded the machine then promptly put on my pj’s and got comfy on the settte. My day was pretty much finished, the rest of it was spent going back and forth from the washing machine whilst mooching online and nattering to my dad via msn.

I decided that Thursday would be best spent at home doing nothing as I’m clearly not fit to be let loose on the public. The most energetic thing I done on thursday was shower. The day was spent watching downloaded tv emailing a few relatives and snoozing on the couch, I even had a bit banter with crag via PM, which was nice.

Not long before typing this the puschair had arrived. I text mick to tell him the good news with full intentions of sitting in the floor trying to assemble it, but sadly he has ordered me to leave it in the box, ordr takeaway for tea and the two of us wil build it tonight. I promise to write todays blog asap tomorrow as I have no doubt building the pushchair will be eventful, nothing is ever straight forward for Mick and I, nothing!!

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – Part two

So after my nan had burned my last brain cell on Monday, I decided tuesday would not be strenuous in any shape or form. After taking an hour to wake up properly and have breakfast I decided a soak in the bath would do me some good. Yes the soak was fab however is there anyone out there who can explain how on earth we women are meant to de-fuzz without causing ourselves ABH?? I can manage my underarms without any problem but the rest is kind of a guessing game, I can’t reach anywhere without falling over or taking a chunk skin from either the bottom of my leg near my ankle or the back of my knee bone. I seriously think I have butchered myself for life and all in the name of being a parent! I’m pretty sure tho I have done much worse for much much less at some point in the life.

After I managed to haul myself out of the bath (another task that leaves me breathless but now with forearms like hulk hogan) I called my best mate Kisrty. Kirsty and I have been mates for just over 20 years and she too is heavily pregnant, so pregnant in fact she is due to be induced today at 4pm. It’s been great going though the pregnancy with a friend, especially as we have always been close and hold each other in a higher regard than our own brother/sister. The only pitfall in this, is kirsty being further on than me. She tells me the horror stories that I really didn’t need to know. Like a step by step dramatisation of what happened when her midwife came out to give her the sweep when she was 5 days over due. Now as my due date is the 20th Dec I have already questioned this with my midwife. No way on gods green earth was I prepared for her to come to my house on Christmas day, viloate me and then toddle off for her turkey dinner. Neither did she thankfully. “Oh I don’t work Christmas Day or Boxing Day it would be the 27th if I needed to come out to see you”. Terriffic. 2 more days of baking my baby ripe!

So after discussing how incredibly fat we were feeling and how anxious kirsty is to get Millie out (confirmed 6 times that her baby is a girl) we said our goodbyes, I’ll be waiting by the phone from 4pm today for her fella to call and confirm that her ordeal is over and my new neice is happy and healthy.

With that out the way thre was only 1 thing to do, start washing James clothes. We have bags and bags and even more bags of stuff all crammed into the old airing cupboard in the spare room that is now the nursery. Now as I didn’t want the day to be strenuous I have no idea why I would make a start on this. Not only did I have to pluck the tags of each and every item, everything had to be turned inside out everything!!! Now those of you who know me, will not be surprised to hear that I started buying clothes from my 12 week scan and will now that I did not take the subject of looking after this child lightly. I know I probably have far to much but I can’t help myself!

I spent almost an hour turn little vests, sleepsuits and outfits inside out and putting into piles, whites, pales and darks then popped the first load into the machine. I then had the task of making the wardrobe and drawers smell nice. We (namely Mick) had only just built the wardrobe and chest of drawers over the past week or so and they still have the new wood smell. I couldn’t possibly put my babies cfreshly cleaned closthes in there to smell of wood when I need to cloth him. I had the idea of scented drawer liners which I was meant to buy from town on Monday before going to my nan’s. As is the case with most things I need to buy lately, they are still in the shop. It was one the one thing i desperatly needed and forgot. I did howevr come home with a whole host of other crap that could have stayed in the shops for a few more weeks, i.e christmas tree decorations. So after refuelling with a coffee and some shortbread I head off for the stairs. Now I need to explain that my stairs are pretty much on an 85 degree angle. I would have more chance of waddling my arse up K2, ok ok, not quite but you get the picture. At the top now, just taking a few moments to catch my breath I spring into action. I’m armed with a cloth and some febreze, if febreze can be used to make your soft furnishings smell nice then why the hell can’t it work on wood. Now obviously it can’t soak in but a wipe round with the stuff should help nuetralize the smell, shouldn’t it? Twice during the afternoon I whizzed round with the febreeze and the cloth and guess what, the new wood smell is fading yeay me!!

I’m still on my first load of washing as half the fooking crap I’ve bought can’t be tumble dryed. So it went on the airers in the front and on the radiator. I’ll get cracking with the rest on Wednesday.

Nearly forgot to mention that the mothercare order I placed on saturday arrived. I was every so excited as I unpacked it. All the bedding and soft furnishings are from mothercare’s Teddy’s wash day range. A friend from wor had taken me over to Teesside park to get most of if but some bits had to be ordered online. Out came the cot mobile, light shade, changing mat, bath towels, ergonomic grooming kit, and yes the one thing I’ve been waiting for, the Gro Egg digital thermometer. One of the things that has been playing on my mind has been the temperature of the rooms. So I rip the box open, pull out the gro egg and plug it in the corner of the front room. Straight away it glows bright red. This aint good it means my room is too hot. Bugger bugger bugger! I need to have the tempertaure just right so that my egg glows yellow. Gues what I’m doing on wednesday in between washings!

The bored ramblings of a neurotic heavily pregnant woman – First blog

And so here it is, my first ever blog. Brought on by the boredom that is maternity leave. As much as work was tiring, annoying and actully hard work it seems now to have been a welcome distraction. You see I’m almost 35 weeks pregnant with my first child (Baby boy to be named James) and now I have no work to occupy myself my mind is going overtime. Maternity leave from my understanding is meant to be a time for mum to be to rest, get herself organised and go through the whole nesting process. It was also my understanding that during my pregnancy people were meant to run around after me and I would be the one making demands. Oh how wrong I was. Grab a cuppa, some biccies and get comfy whilst I take you on my journey…

It all started with a telephone call to my Grandad Jim. The poor old blighter is 84 and was diagnosed with Asbestos on the lungs a while back, he was so Ill I was convinced he wouldn’t stick with us long enough to meet his great grandson. Truth is although the old goat is now back on track I still have my doubts. He lives in Throckley – Newcastle Upon Tyne roughly 6 miles from Newcastle airport and I try to call him as often as I can as I don’t visit him nearly half as often as I should. Along with his asbestos lungs he’s aldo in the early stages of Senile Dementia, which depending on what mood he is in when you call, can turn into either an entertaining 20 minutes or the most depressing 20 minutes of your life for which you feel you have been robbed of! Thursday last week was an entertaining day. He managed to remeber my name before rattling off the names of all the other females in the family. He even remebered that I was pregnant on this call (the previous call he was adament his youngest grand daughter was not stupid enough to fall pregnant out of wedlock and was far to young – I’m 25!!).

“Eee hinny it’s great to hear from you, how you getting on are you feeling your pregnancy yet?” Was his first statement. This took me aback somewhat as, like I say, last time we spoke he was adament I was that stupid. I’m great, tired had a few aches and pains but other than that I’m fine was my response. “And you’ve got such a long way to go” he sighed back. I explained to him that I only had 6 weeks to my due date – 20th December 07 – at the time of calling him and had been looking like a house end for the past 4 months. My poor old Jim wasn’t having any of it. Yes he acknowledged that I was pregnant but no way was this baby due in December this year. “We can’t have a baby this christmas, I just couldn’t possibly cope!! I’m not sure you have your dates right, baby is due in December next year. I’ll speak to Mary (his wife, who happens to be a nurse) when she gets in, that just doesn’t sound right!” Stiffling the laughter/tears I said my good byes and hung up.

Fabulous not only to I look and feel like a chuffin whale, my grandad thinks I’m an elephant. I’ve now decided to record all of my conversations with him as this is just one of many that has had me in stitches. I’ll use the recordings to publish a book, one that I’m sure will make millions.

Feeling in good spirits I decided to call my nan, I hadn’t seen her for a while as she had been out in Spain visiting my folks. This was one fone call I would live to regret. My nan god love her doesn’t have senile dementia, well not that we’ve had her to the quacks but she can be more tiring than good old Jim. As soon as she realised it was me she was exstatic, over the moon I had called. Was I ok, was baby well? What your maternity leave has crept round already? Thats great news, when are you coming to see me? I’ve bought a laptop and can’t work my emails/SMN.
Oh joy of bloody joys. This coming from the woman who has to have written instructions for her tv remote. I could slowly feel the life being sucked out of me, surely it was to soon to go into labour but that didn’t stop me praying. Now please don’t get me wrong, I love my nan to bits, but trying to explain anything to her and you might aswell bang your head off a brick wall. If you tell her it once you’re telling her for the millionth time. Not one to be a twat I said I would visit Monday morning after I had popped into town for some bits.

Monday morning came round all to ruddy quickly, soon enough I was sat in front of her laptop whilst she is bring me a coffee waving a piece of paper that my uncle had written out for her. He had been with her when she got her laptop and he had supposedly set everything up for her. Looking at this sheet of paper it was not wonder she was dazed and confused. She had email accts with every possible provider, passowrds for this, passwords for that, but none that worked!! So I got started, binned her piece of paper and attempted to establish which email acct she had already used and what else she wanted internet for. Now you may be thinking that this is no great task, however I beg to differ. My nan seemed to think that email and SMN as she likes to call it, were one in the same thing. So ater an hour of explaining she finally understood the difference. I got her email set up for her, saved it in her bookmarks making sure her passwords had been remebered aswell. I then had the joy of writing down a step by step guide of how to get into her email, how to open the inbox and how to create new mail. This was the easy part, after a gruelling hour she had cracked the fine art of emailing and almost cried that she could now interact with her niece in the US. Next up her SMN, this was easy, we managed to get this one cracked within 20 minutes. So robbed of 4 hours of my life that I will never get back I took my sorry chunky butt home for some lunch and a snooze.

If it was this hard entertaining and teaching a woman who had lived a lifetime, how on earth am I going to cope with a baby who has no idea of the life before him? The mind boggles. I’ve decided not to leave the house tomorrow, instead I’ll be nesting. The house could do with a spruce and baby’s clothes need to be washed, dried and put away into the newly built wardrobe and drawers. I’m going to keep the doors locked and unplug the housefone. Only 5 weeks and three days until my EDD (estimated due date), I’m fed up already.