Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

How come babies can piss through a hard on?
Bill

It is only after puberty than males develop the “Cock-Flap” a small flap of cartilage that effectively shuts the door on urine. It Usually slams shut after you have had a couple of drinks and then masturbate, you can be bursting for a piss and still have to stand for what feels like hours in front of the toilet. The reason for this is because mother nature is sexually frustrated bitter little women, thus the importance of World Aids day.

When in a restaurant listening to stories of tesla coils why would a women go to powder her nose and then never return?
hansisland

The revelation of Tesla’s discoveries is more than most people can take, after one or two stories they need to go away to a secluded room, sometimes for months to contemplate the awesomeness of what they have been told.

At least, that’s what I like to tell myself.

Would an airplane actually end up in finland or the bermuda triangle, if i forgot to switch my mobile phone off?
hansisland

Hahahaha! not at all, indeed I would encourage people to use more electrical equipment on planes. To explain this I need to explain how planes fly.

Basically they hate themselves. Its a well established fact that hatred is the second most powerful force in nature (sex sugar being numero uno) Aerospacialist Engineers try to tell us that its all down to aerodynamics and thrust but that is because they cannot reveal the truth (they would be killified by Elite Boeing Death Squads) Now because people using mobile phones causes a marked increase in hatred in fellow passengers the plane would actually fly faster. Indeed the Space Shuttle is launched using only old episodes of Big Brother.

Do women really wash their hair when they are ‘busy’?
hansisland

I am sorry to say that is not the case. Its a an easy way to let ugly men down when they ask them out. I say they should be more honest. If they were we could channel the subsequent hatred into fuelling chainsaws.

Many men have had you. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

The 8-Bit Sid-Chip Sandwich Show – Episode 1

A bit of improvised jollity – hope you enjoy!

The coming together of five of my great loves – films, old adverts, whoring, the SID music of the Commodore 64, and whipped cream*

I was bored, and needed a creative outlet… Anybody need a presenter?

Cheers A x

(* the whipped cream segment had to be cut as it was way TOO filthy…)

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can”t find the answer then there probably isn”t one.

Strawberries and Champagne are a hit with women, what other laxetives make them feel really special?
hansisland

The softening of stools is only one benefit of strawberries and champagne and oddly not one that increases La”Amour in a lady. The special compound that can be found in these luxury items is called “Sex Sugar” a natural element generated in males. It effects females in odd ways.

The Slackening of hips.
An decrease in eye Beams (making them see in soft focus)
A release of endorphins making them slightly less irritable
And an increase in flangula secretions

Other things that have this effect are –

Money
Cars
Diamonds
Expensive flowers

As with all things there are opposites to these, for example

Cheap Flowers bought at Tesco”s
Bankruptcy
Chlamydia
Owning a website.

Hope this helps.

Who would win in a fight pokies online between Homer Simpson and Peter from Family Guy? No weapons, just mano o mano.
Fagash Lil

I ran this through my patented “Thunderdomeatron” programme and by a margin of 3 “fists” Peter from Family guy comes out on top. Out of ten simulations only 1, in which Homer eviscerated Peter, did Homer come out top.
Interestingly when I added Maggie to the equation Homer won every single round, although Maggie did not survive any of them. Proving my other theory that babies make an excellent substitute for a nunchaka.

What happens when astronaut needs a poo when on a moon walk?
Crag2804

According to my source at NASA they have a secret code phrase for such an occurrence which is “Giant leap for mankind”. However my source went to reveal that when they need a crap they simply stop filming and the actor pops of to the toilet.

Why is there a World Aids day? Surely enough people die every year of this terrible affliction without promoting it to others?
Crag2804

I”m afraid you have missed the point of this day, indeed most people do. World Aids are just a Global Version of Marital Aids, basically a Dildo the size of Windermere which is inserted into Old Faithful in order to bring Mother Nature off in an effort to increase her sex sugar output.

Its all very complicated and really quite messy.

To be the man, you gotta beat the man. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Is a Zebra black with white stripes? or is it white with black stripes?
Buckybuxton1312, Email

Now here is an interesting question that goes a long way to explain how eye beams work. As previously explained the eyeball emits millions of beams per second, these beams retrieve images and travel back to your eyeballs to be reconstructed by the transaltron lobe in your thinking sac. Ordinary creatures only have eyebeam defences (this is the defensive mechanism that murder eye beams which means that you cannot see through the object,) on the side that you cannot see, however Zebra’s are unique, their eyebeam defences are spread across the animal in stripes, the practical upshot of this is you will see black strips across the beast, in reality the animal is in fact blue, however you can only see this if the Zebra is standing in a room with the lights off and the TV switched on.

I hear this gorgeous blue peter presenter used to do abit of adult films! could you tell me some of the titles or links to those x rated sites?
Buckybuxton1312, Email

Peter “the pervet” Pervis has been in several hundred “Adult Art” films, his most notorious are “The Last Fellatio of Christ”, “The littlest Homo” and who could forget Peters performance as cock number 3 in “Little Ted riding wood”.

When I hit someone with a bat it’s always the person that’s gets very badly hurt and not the bat. What makes bats so much stronger than other mammals?
Crag2804, Forum

The Latin name for a bat pretty much answers this question “Maximus Steelus Wingus” The 1850’s cartoon series “Batfink” was in fact the first example of a cartoon documentary (followed closely by Transformers and Chocky(note- not Chocky’s children, this was a bastardisation of the life of William McKinley the 24th President of the USA)). Oft mistaken as a children’s TV programme “Batfink” was the truest depiction of the natural life of a bat that has ever been shot.

Why did the binmen fail to empty our bin this morning, yet managed to empty everyone elses?
scribbler, Forum

Basically, you hate yourself, although I have not had a chance to fully investigate the bin related shinanigans that transpired on the day in question but the evidence strongly leans towards the fact that your subconscious forced you to put the bin out in such a way that it offended the binmen, perhaps you left the lid open at a cocky angle or left the bin at an askew angle, which according government guidelines cannot be moved by binmen for fear of chaffing.

One thing is clear sir, be wary of subconnoman, he makes your life hell in the little ways.

Are phisher’s worse than spammers? Who is the lowest, the phisher or the idiots that actual reply to them? What percentage of a phisher’s mail list actualy reply?
Gazza, Forum

Due to my increasingly heavy workload I only have to time to speed read questions. The answer to your question is Low Idiot Fish make up approximatly 20% of spam.

Why are handcuffs so much damned fun?
Mick, Forum

Curiously only a small percentage of people have fun with handcuffs, this can be seen in this extraordinary equation

A=E-N+(P+C)
A=People who enjoy handcuffs
E=Everyone
N=Normal People
P=Perverts
C=Coppers

Say oops upside your head, If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.