J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner II


You found yourself deep in the throes of passion and in a moment of weakness uttered the words; let’s get married. Perhaps you really wanted to get married, but if you are a man then it is clear you didn’t know what you were getting into. Now you stand inside that tiny little room ready to walk the longest ten feet in your life. You made it to the end right? All you have to do is remember the look in her eyes, pass her the ring and kiss her on the lips. If it was that nice and easy I wouldn’t be writing about it.

To church or not to church

Why is it that someone who hasn’t stepped inside a church since their parents dragged them there so long ago want to get married in one? Have you forgotten that most God’s are all seeing? This means when you were “earning” you’re A in English lit, God was watching. When you tried that one thing your boyfriend asked you to try, God was watching. When you had revenge sex with the entire lineup of your high school football team, God was watching.

You know the skeletons in your closest and dollar to donuts so do most of your friends and family, so why the show? I know if I walk into a church my skin will begin to boil, so, I stay out. But your bride to be will want to dress up in white and parade down the aisle like she is pure as the driven snow. At least we guys normally wear black. We know this is our funeral and we dress appropriately.

You’re not on the list

You know why I don’t go into debt during the holidays? It is because of two reasons. One, I’m very cheap and two, I only give gifts to people I see at least once a month. I never understood while people would run around spending thousands of dollars on gifts for people they not only don’t see very much, but in some cases don’t even like. This applies to the wedding list.

We all know weddings are for the bride, they make all the decisions, as the groom you are just decoration. However, this does not mean it is okay for her to invite Becky Myers from high school who stole her boyfriend during her freshmen year. Becky was hot at age sixteen, but now she is thirty-six, with five kids, two divorces under her belt and a weight problem. She has suffered enough, leave her alone.

By that same token your Aunt Grace who gave you your first bike and then disappeared to the Congo does not need an invitation. This isn’t a reunion show, money is being spent here and the way things are today it’s most likely yours. Keep in small. How many times have you had fun at a family reunion? How about that Christmas when the whole extended family flew down to Florida that sucked didn’t it? Having a bunch of people you never communicate with at your wedding is the same thing. Unless you want to start a feud between two halves of your family in which case go ahead and let me come and film it.

Lost in transition

Personally I found it funny when I would leave a church or wedding center to drive a long distance to the reception hall only to discover half the party got lost. For me, it was a chance for second and third helpings. For the bride, it was yet another opportunity to scream and cry.

You know my philosophy, people are stupid. If you actually want the people who sat through your boring drawn out wedding to make it to the food and drinks then either pick a reception hall close to where you tied the knot or better yet have it in the same place.

On the other hand, you could do the great fake out. First, make sure everyone already gave you the wedding gifts. Second print cards with the address for a reception. The key here is the reception is not yours. Then you and your bride take the money you would have spent on a reception and head out of the country. What do you do when they find out you tricked them and have to come home to a mob of mad people? I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

They laugh and applauded because they are drunk

You know why they sell food and drinks at many comedy clubs? It is because they want to make money and they know people are less likely to show up to see open mic night if they can’t get hammered first. The same applies to your reception.

The reception is the reward everyone gets for sitting through your horrible wedding. No matter how much work you put into your vows, they sucked. No matter how nice the church or venue was, it sucked. No matter how liberal and quick the ceremony was, it was too long and it sucked. To make up for this you need a nice spread. You wanted a big wedding so don’t skimp on the food and drinks.

Personally, I am fashionably late to weddings, but I am always right on time for an open bar. That reminds me, every wedding must have an open bar. I don’t care if you and your bride are the most vegan, pure, water drinking terrorists, you provide the drinks for the suckers who R.S.V.P’d.

The same goes for the food. Spend the money people. Nothing sucks worse than cardboard chicken and stringy beef. I have no idea how you can pay so much for such bad food, but I have tasted the worst. Sometimes I think it would be better to hold your reception at an all-you-can-eat buffet than a reception hall. Either way, taste test the food and make sure the drinks are free with no limit. Yes, you will go broke, but that is the price you pay for inviting all these moochers who could care less about you.

The best exit is a quick one

So you survived the wedding, the drive to the reception hall, the meet and greet and the food and drink. Now the worst part of the reception is about to take place, the dancing. I don’t care what color you are, but out of one hundred people at a reception only four can dance. The rest of you people are only there to embarrass yourselves.

This is also the time where the wedding predators hit up the brides maids. There are a ton of little things going on, but none of them concern you or your bride. You put in your time and did what you felt was necessary, now it’s time to leave and hopefully get laid.

You pick the way you want to do it, but I like what I call, The Vanish. This is where you quietly walk out the back with the assistance of your best friend who remained loyal to you. Just go, nobody can get upset at you. After all you have a honeymoon to go to, or, you have to get to work to help pay for Uncle Ted’s sixteen rum and cokes.

Think of the dancing as a big diversion. Like a riot in a prison, you duck your head down and make your escape and never look back. Now it is just you and your bride and the bill. Have a happy life.

Oh, by the way, she’s pregnant.

J.A. Cares Issue: The Wedding Planner

bowling wedding

Summer is the time for blockbuster popcorn flicks, trips to the beach and hopefully BBQ’s that don’t suck. However, it is, unfortunately, also a prime time for some to get married.

This letter comes to us from Vincent Hayden from Chicago Illinois, he writes:


First let me tell you I love my girlfriend. She is pretty, smart and very low on the crazy scale. We have been dating for four years now and about a year after she moved in with me she started talking about marriage. I smiled and brushed it off, but next thing I knew we were at her mother’s house and she was planning our wedding. I never proposed, but she said it’s okay, that proposing was old fashioned. I do want to be with her, but I don’t want to get married, I’m scared, help me!


I could help you, Vincent, but assisted suicide is illegal in Florida. I feel your pain. Nothing ruins a great relationship like the talk of marriage, that and the awful; “I’m pregnant.” My real advice for you is the same I gave my first prom date after I spent a hundred dollars on her and we were at inspiration point, close your eyes and it will be over quickly.

You just killed it

I understand the inbred notion of getting married. In the past it was the only way a woman could get ahead. I hate to admit it, but it is because of men that we have to get married. Back in the day men wanted to get married as soon as possible. It was like an achievement in World of Warcraft that you had to get. Once married you were set, you had a in home maid, babysitter and all you needed to do is go off to your ad agency job, smoke cigarettes, drink fine liquor and bang your mistress.

So today you have a strong, independent girlfriend. You have been good to her and she to you, then one day like a freak storm she blows in with the; “We need to talk.” Or worst yet, she just demands you propose.

Perhaps she believes marriage will strengthen the relationship. Have you ever seen acid strengthen anything? For most of us out there (those with balls) when you forced the issue of marrying you, you just splashed acid in our face and then you’re surprised when we turn into two-face.

Step aside son

Remember when you had that great idea at work, but you were brand new, a rookie, and nobody wanted to listen to you. Welcome back to those days. Not only did you not want to get married, but you have no say in how it is done. You might think this is a good thing since who wants to plan a wedding anyway, but when you have to show up dressed like Elvis and then get the bill, you will wish you had some input.

Women love to ask your opinion, but they don’t want you to give them your answer, they want you to give them theirs. I guess you are suppose to know them so well that you can read their mind and select what they want you to. This is where the filter comes in. You filter out everything she says and look at her eyes. They will tell you what answer you need to give, then give it and shut up, your job is done.

Quick isn’t always easy

You just finished a long boring day of antique shopping. Your girlfriend is feeling good and frisky. Nothing turns a woman on more than making her man go shopping in small cramp stores for hours on end. She feels she is doing you a favor, by giving you a quickie on the side of the road. The pants come down, but you forgot protection. She smiles telling you it will be quick, no harm can come. Nine months later you are standing on the ledge of a bridge with a box of condoms, crying, ready to jump.

The above story is a warning that quick isn’t always easy. You might not have wanted a wedding, but now that you are having one, do it right. Unless you are 1000% sure your wife to be wants a quickie (cheap) wedding, don’t do it. She may say a trip to city hall is spontaneous and romantic, but five years later during a random argument over leaving the toilet seat up she will stab you in the back with the fact that she never had a real wedding. Save yourself the added headache, do it right the first time.

Make them all suffer

If it wasn’t for your friend introducing you to your girl you would not be in this predicament. If it wasn’t for your parents raising you to be a gentleman you would have ran off to Argentina to find yourself a nice reporter. If it wasn’t for her friends you could have brainwashed your girl to your way of thinking. If it wasn’t for her parents being married for fifty years you could have talked your way out of marriage.

Make them all suffer along with you. The key is to get them to not only pony up money and gifts, but be part of the wedding. Call in all your favors and give everyone a wedding related job. Baby showers and home warming parties aren’t so you can meet and greet, it’s a trick to get free loot. See most men take to far a back seat and in that case the woman may not take advantage of the free help she could guilt out of people. This is your job sir, call everyone you know like you were in jail and needed bail. Misery loves company and after those vows are spoken you’re pretty much on your own.

I swear I will complete this one

The executives here at Obscure Internet world headquarters told me not to do any more multipart articles unless I was sure to finish them. In this case marriage is such a painful experience I cannot just cover it all in one article.

In part two we get down to the nitty-gritty. It’s time to do this thing and it will be horrible no matter how well you plan it. Sit back and enjoy the carnage and pray you booked a good honeymoon.