THE PFI TRIPE AWARDS: MOVIES THAT INSPIRE CHRIS HAHN TO HAVE A BOWEL MOVEMENT

How does one begin to disseminate this piece of shit? Ah yes, DISAPPOINTMENT. Similar in aspects to Mortal Kombat Annhilation, we waited months and months for Alien Resurrection, and much like that sequel of yore, we were left with cinematic blueballs once it was over. Alien Resurrection started off interestingly enough, with a cargo ship crew discovering the existence of a cloned Ellen Ripley. Along with the cloned Ripley came the cloned QUEEN alien, which was inside of her in the duration of Alien 3.

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The PFI Tripe Awards: Volume 2

Usually when I watch a movie, be it in the theater, or at home, I must sit myself down and watch the whole thing, without any distractions. It’s just me and the movie. Now everyone knows I’m a lazy wretch, and it takes me centuries to mop the floors, pick up the laundry, etc… In the middle of Lost in Translation, I pressed pause, and I STARTED CLEANING MY ROOM. I HUNG UP MY LAUNDRY, MOPPED THE FLOOR, AND PUT THE SHEETS ON MY BED.

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The PFI Tripe Awards: Volume 1

The infamous love triangle in Pearl Harbor featured three idiotic characters SO UNLIKABLE that you WANTED the JAPANESE to BOMB THEM. NOBODY liked the love triangle. RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES HATED IT. To make matters worse, the movie was over 2.5 hours, AND THE ROMANTIC TRIPE TOOK UP 3/4ths OF THE MOVIE. To give credit where credit is due, the actual attack sequence is one of the most amazing scenes ever filmed, which is why it PAINS me to give this movie the waste management award.

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