New terms: Concert edition

justin-bieber-motivational poster
A while back, Cracked wrote an article about the people that go to concerts, and stereotypes therein. I don’t feel like drudging that up, so I’m going to add some all new ones.

Edit: ** I have been informed that I have invoked the name of Justin Bieber too much in this article. Therefore his name will be changed to…………. Justin Bieber.

Thank you. He sucks. And with all the internet rage against him, it still isn’t enough. He sucks. Pop music sucks. Thank you.**
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Reznor’s Bane

Reznor's Bane

You are the perfect drug, Lady Gaga.

This is the one guy at every concert wearing a Nine Inch Nail shirt. It doesn’t matter WHAT concert it is. Justin Bieber concert, he’ll be wearing a NIN shirt. Kids Bop? NIN. I’ve been to several million concerts, and ALL have featured Reznor’s Bane. I bet he won’t wear one to an actual NIN concert. Because “it’s not cool to wear the band’s shirt to their concert”. Whoever came up with that should die.

Middle of the Road Mel

Middle of the Road - Mel

Find the Middle of the Road Mel!!!!!

This is the guy who spends the majority of the concert moving around the area, cutting either in front of you or behind you about every 10 seconds. MotRM can’t ever stand still or stake his little area, he has to constantly traverse the concert floor either in search of alcohol, or friends. One time at Ultra, MotrM cut in front of this skinhead standing next to me about 243232 times. The skinhead tripped him purposely. I lol’d irl.

Fratboy Slim

Frat Boy Slim

Here are some Fratboy Slims in their native, shirtless environment.

These fucking idiots. Every concert has these. The idiot frat boys who drink and pretend to be rowdy because they’re frat boys and thats how frat boys are supposed to act. Nevermind that the REST of the concert thinks they’re idiots. Easily spotted wearing a college shirt of their choice, or simply the “college” shirt from Animal House. Thinks their life is Animal House. May also be shirtless. Looks like “The Situation” of Jersey Shore 9 times out of 10.

High Harry

High Harry

Should be obvious.

The one guy who is either stoned, or rolling, or both, and becomes the whirling dervish as a result. Could be your ally due to him blocking and ramming into Middle of the Road Mel, and Fratboy Slim. If there are multiple people stoned or rolling, there’s ALWAYS one worse than the rest. This is High Harry.

Gulliver Prep

Gulliver Prep

May look like this.

Can either be male or female. Usually female. You don’t know who these kid’s parents are, but if you did, you’d shove your foot so far up the parent’s ass they’ll be shitting tiffany cuff links for the rest of their lives. Gulliver Preps are always under the age of 16 and always stand either in front of or behind you to your great dismay. Rather than going to the Justin Bieber concert, they go to yours, in a vain attempt to be “seen” or “different”. Where they really belong is the Justin Bieber concert. Gulliver Preps are easily spotted by not knowing any lyrics to the band’s songs and generally making a doofus out of themselves because Nick Jr. told them so. Ditch this shit. Jose and I once saw The Prodigy perform at Ultra. We had all of a sudden 7,213 kids butt in front of us and not know anything about the Prodigy. What we did learn is that they all go to Gulliver Prep. I hate all ages shows.

Old Rivers

Old Rivers

Old Rivers explaining how Marc Rizzo tunes his guitar.

When was the last time I seen Old Rivers? I can’t remember… Wait yes I can. At the Bassnectar concert. BASSNECTAR. The LATEST star in electronic music. He just came out. I think he’s younger than me. And CERTAINLY younger than Old Rivers. Old Rivers is the ONE old guy at the concert, usually over 55 years old. Every single concert has him. Can either be a true fan of the music, or a pedophile. My fondest memory of Old Rivers was at ULTRA this one time. RABBIT IN THE MOON was on stage using some weird old electronic instrument. OLD RIVERS comes up to me and gives me the HISTORY of that instrument and how it influenced electronic music.

The Lovers

The Lovers

Imagine this at a Gwar concert.

The rotting bastard child of all of the aforementioned concertgoers. The Lovers go to the concert, no matter the concert, and slow dance and kiss and make the whole thing look like an 80s prom night. Ministry on stage thrashing about the injustices of the Bush administration? The lovers are slow dancing to it. Big wobble dubstep raging? The lovers are slow dancing to it. May or may not be frat boys, go to Gulliver Prep, be high, cut in front of you, be old, or wear a NIN shirt. Guaranteed to be totally out of place and ridiculed. Nobody cares that you’re in love, get a fucking room, or go to the Bieber concert. I’m sure he has a lot of slow ballads for you.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.