Mastering the Web

Ha Ha I'm Using The InternetHi folks! My name is Glen, and the webmaster here. Webmastering is an interesting profession that you can enjoy and earn millions of pounds in just a few months. This is a cool job if you hate people, and love stealing information from others…

There are great opportunities all over the world. It takes a small amount of commitment to be a successful webmaster, but you don’t even need to know programming, graphics, multimedia, marketing, communication or some tricks of the trade.

I’m going to give the benefit of my huge experience. There are six things you need to worry about to master the web. To make you website successful try and get one of these right.

Content
OK, for the first ingredient, we’ll need heaps of content, and unlike caviar, any content will do. High-quality, interesting content can go a long way but you probably will not have anything approaching that so just fill your site with as much crap as possible, just copy loads of text from the losers at Live Journal, no one will notice, no one reads that shit.

Lastly, too many sites try to address everyone by serving up a bland blend of content. By trying to be “ubiquitous” or “objective,” they end-up creating a site with no personality. Most the best sites of the Internet go out of their way to offend as many people as possible, try and copy them.

Information Design
If your site is supposed to be difficult to navigate, unclear in purpose, and curiously defined. It will make it popular with the internet smartasses that like to hack, and go other geeky activities to prevent them thinking about how loveless life is.

Navigation is merely telling people where they can go. So have lots of Porn Banners, and I would also recommend some Popups and Spyware on your site, as they bring in the cash.

Performance
Have you ever been to a restaurant where the service was so bad or over-taxed by the crowd? These are they most popular restaurants because people expect to wait for the best, if the people can’t wait for your 1 MB bitmap image logo to load they can fuck off and get a Quarter-Pounder at McDonald’s.

Compatibility
A lot of rubbish is written about the many different computers and web browsers on the internet. Ignore it all. People that using Linux and Macs are barely human Freaks and the Windows users that have Firefox and Opera are all pirates and Lesbians.

Visual Design
Didn’t we already do design?

Interaction Design
If Template Monster has taught us anything it’s that users expect fancy user interfaces that take hour to load up on dial up and freeze any computer that run less than 20Ghz (Screw those users your site doesn’t need them) and Myspace as taught us that users expect user to embed at least one Video file in our page, so what if the two rock videos playing together sounds awful: this is the 21st Century superinterweb Grandpa.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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