Dinner Theater: This is the end of an era
THE DREIDEL JEWISH BAKERY - AFTERNOON
Anthony and Kyle sit at large square table near the entrance
of the small family owned bakery. Anthony stares at the
display case filled with various baked goods. Kyle looks
around at the numerous patrons coming and going from the
store.
ANTHONY
Dieting sucks. I remember the ass
hats that would tell me that all I
had to do to lose weight was
stopping eating Big Mac's. That's
bull-shit! I eat nothing but rabbit
food all day and work my ass off
for what? To lose two pounds a
week!
Anthony looks at Kyle for encouragement. Kyle is still
looking around nervously.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
What's wrong with you?
Kyle looks at Anthony.
KYLE
I don't like it in here.
Anthony flashes an evil grin.
ANTHONY
What, do you think they will find
out about your German heritage and
attack you.
Kyle flails his arms in Anthony's direction trying to get him
to lower his voice.
KYLE
Shut up man! Some of these people
would hang me.
Anthony shakes his head.
ANTHONY
This is a sad day for your people.
Lola, Jonathan and Kim enter the store and walk over toward
Anthony and Kyle.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Where were you guys? We have been
here for over an hour.
LOLA
Kim broke up with the fireman. She
was on the phone when we went to
pick her up.
Kim looks at Lola upset she mentioned it.
KYLE
Well, well, well. Did he finally
decide to embrace his gay side?
KIM
No, just his asshole side. I don't
want to talk about it.
Jonathan sits next to Anthony letting out a deep sigh.
JONATHAN
You were talking about it all the
way here.
ANTHONY
How about a change of topic to
liven things up.
Anthony thinks for a moment.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
How about the worst things you or
someone you were with have said
during or after sex.
KYLE
Wouldn't you have had to had sex to
participate.
Anthony pumps his fist at Kyle.
KIM
No, I need to laugh. I'm game.
JONATHAN
I don't need a condom. If you get
pregnant then I'll just perform a
surprise abortion?
KIM
That's just sick...what's a
surprise abortion?
JONATHAN
It's when you punch your girl in
the stomach and yell surprise.
Kim puts her head in her hands.
KIM
Why did I ask?
KYLE
Pushing her down the stairs works
to.
Everyone looks at Kyle.
KYLE (CONT'D)
I don't know from personal
experience. I'm just saying...
Hershel walks into the restaurant and over toward Anthony.
ANTHONY
Oh shit! When did you get in town?
Wait? How did you know I was here?
JONATHAN
Oh he was at Kim's house when we
arrived?
ANTHONY
What?
KIM
We are just friends.
Anthony looks at Hershel.
ANTHONY
You come into town and don't come
see me first.
Hershel looks at Kim then Anthony.
HERSHEL
Uh, her house was on the way.
ANTHONY
No it's not!
HERSHEL
The way I came it is.
Anthony looks at Jonathan.
ANTHONY
And you couldn't let me know
Hershel was here when you came in?
Jonathan shrugs his shoulders.
JONATHAN
I forgot.
ANTHONY
How do you forget that?
LOLA
He does that a lot. He forget's to
tell me he's cumming all the time.
Everyone stares at Lola. Hershel smiles.
HERSHEL
Yeah, in Chicago we call that a
surprise facial.
Lola looks at Jonathan realizing what he has been doing.
LOLA
You mother...!
Lola grabs Jonathan's balls and beings twisting them.
JONATHAN
I was into it, it wasn't on
purpose. No baby no!
HERSHEL
I had sex with this Taiwanese chick
once. While I was pounding her she
would make these sounds. It sounded
like a ten year old girl crying.
ANTHONY
That must have been a mood killer
huh?
HERSHEL
No, why would you say that?
Anthony rolls his eyes.
KYLE
Things a girl might say to Anthony
before, during or after sex.
ANTHONY
No!
LOLA
For you it will cost double.
JONATHAN
Is it in yet?
KIM
I'm doing this for charity.
HERSHEL
I know that position is possible
I've been with guys fatter than
you.
KYLE
Is that even possible?
ANTHONY
Fuck all you people.
HERSHEL
I dated a girl and the first time
we had sex she was screaming and
totally into it when all of a
sudden out of no where she starts
crying. I ask her what's wrong and
she says her boyfriend use to hit
her.
LOLA
Damn, what did you do?
HERSHEL
I hit her.
KIM
What?!
HERSHEL
Yeah, I fucked up. I thought she
was crying because I wasn't hitting
her. I was wrong.
ANTHONY
I don't know how it is you have so
much sex.
KIM
I know...
ANTHONY
You've had sex in my bed before me,
my car, my shower, even on my prom
night.
JONATHAN
So basically he has had more sex in
places personal to you than you
have had sex period.
Anthony lowers his head.
KYLE
You know what's worst? It's when
they cry afterwards. Unless that's
what you wanted.
LOLA
How could that be something you
would want?
KYLE
Well like if she claims she can't
feel you and then you stick it in
her ass for retaliation and then
they let out a blood curdling
scream followed by deep sobbing.
Everyone looks at Kyle. Hershel nods his head.
HERSHEL
It's never happened to me, but I
understand where you are coming
from.
ANTHONY
I should have never brought up this
subject.
Lola looks at Kim.
LOLA
You should have break-up sex with
the fireman.
KIM
Why would I want to do that?
LOLA
What, like you never had break-up
sex before.
HERSHEL
I think everyone has.
KYLE
Except Anthony.
ANTHONY
Fuck you.
KIM
I've had break-up sex, but not like
you are thinking.
JONATHAN
I'm intrigued.
Kim takes a deep breath.
KIM
Once or twice I had sex with a guy
to decide if I would break up with
him or not. He just didn't score
enough points so I tapped him on
the shoulder and told him he was
done and we were though.
Lola smiles.
JONATHAN
Wow the tap out, that's cold
blooded. I have a new respect for
you.
KIM
(Sarcastically) Oh thank you.
Kim smiles and looks toward Anthony.
KIM (CONT'D)
So Hershel, are you a grower or a
shower?
LOLA
What does that mean?
HERSHEL
If you're a grower your penis may
look small but it grows when erect,
if you're a shower it is pretty
much at erect size all the time
even though you're soft. So what
you see is what you get. I'm both;
I'm pretty large while soft, and
even larger when hard.
Kim blushes.
KYLE
So I guess that makes Anthony a no
show.
Everyone laughs.
ANTHONY
Wrong! I have a ninja penis, it
stays hidden until it's ready to
strike.
LOLA
Strike what, your hands?
KIM
Now that's cold blooded.
HERSHEL
I was drunk and trying to finger a
girl. After going at it for a while
without hearing her say anything I
screamed out, what the fuck is
wrong with your cunt. Her response
was that's not my cunt. I honestly
don't remember what happened after
that.
ANTHONY
How do you not have an STD.
KYLE
Or a crazy chick stalking you.
HERSHEL
Who says I don't?
Kim's expression changes to shock. Hershel smiles at her.
HERSHEL (CONT'D)
I'm kidding, at least about the
STD.
Kim stands from the table.
KIM
Let's go somewhere else and talk.
Hershel stands and follows Kim.
ANTHONY
Hey! What about us? What about me?
Hershel stops and looks back at Anthony.
HERSHEL
I'll be around.
KIM
I won't. Honestly, I need a break.
Maybe I'll see you guys again.
Kim and Hershel leave together.
KYLE
I like that guy.
Anthony turns toward Lola and Jonathan.
ANTHONY
Well I guess she isn't going on the
cruse with us.
LOLA
Oh yeah, about that. Listen, with
my new job and school and stuff we
just can't make it.
JONATHAN
Sorry, it's just been crazy, but I
figure we can hang out every six
months or so.
Anthony begins to panic.
ANTHONY
Wait, wait! You can't leave. What
about the gang? What about sitting
around talking about nothing?
LOLA
You still have Kyle.
Kyle smiles.
KYLE
You still have me.
Lola and Jonathan stand.
LOLA
Nothing lasts forever and besides,
sometimes you need to mix things up
or it get's old.
JONATHAN
Yeah, like anal sex. Something it's
good to have it, you know, to mix
things up.
Lola gives Jonathan a stern look.
LOLA
I said no.
ANTHONY
You guys are killing me. What do
you expect me to do? I can't sit
hear just talking to Kyle all day.
Lola and Jonathan start walking toward the exit.
JONATHAN
You always say what we do is like a
television show. So hire some new
cast members.
LOLA
Don't worry, we'll make some
cameo's.
JONATHAN
See you in about sixteen weeks.
Jonathan and Lola exit. Anthony stares at Kyle.
ANTHONY
New cast members?
KYLE
I like the idea. We can hold
auditions.
ANTHONY
This is the end of an era.
Kyle stands and walks over to Anthony putting his arm around
him.
KYLE
Nah, not the end. Just the
begining.
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