Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor. If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Where have I been for the last 4 months…..?!?!?
nic

It appears you have fallen foul of what is commonly called the “Life effect” in which you spend more time with friends and generally enjoing yourself than you do speaking shite to strangers on a internet discussion board.
There are ways to ween yourself of this “Life effect” start by calling of your friends and informing them that you can no longer partake in life and having a co-dependant relationship is not what you need right now.
Also quitting your job will give you a much needed “Interweb Time” boost.

Drop me a mail, I have some leaflets on support groups in your area.

Why do old photographs of ourselves look so odd or funny?
GLeN

I have ran several hundred checks with various historical acadamies across the globe as well as speaking to Proffessor Alan Beardback who is lead consultant on phototronical science and they have all confirmed that yours is a unique case. Most people just look younger, but yours, holy shit. I can recomend a good head doctor to discuss your blatantly troubled youth.

Why is that every time I get the bus someone fat who has a b.o. problem that they cover with copius amounts of aftershave/perfume always sits next to me?
Mamma Jamma

How can I stop them from doing this so I don’t have to suffer a bus ride with the constant thought if having to hurl in my handbag?

Well, the quick answer here is to rustle your hair, wear an old cardincan and dowse yourself in cats piss before you get on the bus. Attack is the only form defence for these wierdo’s.
Or carry a large backpack with an alarm clock strapped to the side an put it on the seat next to you, whenever anyone looks as if they want to sit down stare wildy at them shaiking your head and mouth “its not mine”

Better safe than salmonella. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor. If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

3 Films bruce willis has saved the world in?
kal

6th Sense – By helping the little boy accept his talent he stopped him using his talents to become a manelovent dictator who eventualy triggers world war 3

The Remake of “The day of the Jackel” – By killing the Jack Black character he stopped him using his talents to become a manelovent dictator who eventualy triggers world war 3

Rugrats go Wild (he played the voice of spike) – By raping and mauling to death Tommy Pickles he stopped him using his talents to become a manelovent baby who eventualy triggers world war 3

How come religious fundamentalists are so blind to logic and reason, that they are doing their best to destroy the planet in the name of stupidity and infantile superstition?
Steven

I agree, they should leave the mass destruction to the experts. I recently attended a terrorist seminar on “How to destroy the planet” and found a lot of their suggestion laughable, really “We should drive a truck into a military compound and blow it up” for fucks sake the French where doing that in 2nd world war. If they really wanted to make a mark they should use my Moon Ray, which focusus nuclearation energy into a tight beam which, when fired at the moon, would cause massive tsunamis and hurricans, I have been testing this over the last couple of years to great success.

Let me know your email address, we can get together and discuss more efficient ways of ending the world. (We could start by killing that Bruce Willis, fuckers always spoiling our fun)

Why is that in order for a man do actually do something you ask, you have to constantly remind him what you want doing until you turn into an old nag hag?
Mamma Jamma

If men just simply done the task the first time they were asked then us women would not have to be constantly harrasing them until the job is done

As previously discussed, the male mind and the female mind are set-up completly different.

A mans code looks a little bit like this

10 Think About Boobs.
20 Think about Eating.
30 Do things that I enjoy
40 Ignore things that I do not enjoy
40 Nod head
50 GOTO 10

Sadly this is hard coded, and to add further instructions is a complete waste of time. So in order to get any work out them you need to utililise the loop hole in line 30, instead of saying “wash the car” which would clearly be covered by line 40 simply say “Can you clean the car so it looks more valuable when we go out to look for a new car this afternoon” which would then be covered by line 30 and done instantly.

Simiarly instead of saying “do the hoovering” say “can you hoover the frontroom so it looks nice for the swingers party I am thinking about hosting” which would be cover by commands 10,20 and 30.

Do not worry about following through on any of these promises as line 10 takes up around 99.8% of his CPU usage.

Mmm, could be. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum

Tips For Picking a Movie for a Date.

Austin Says: Tips for Everyday Life
Picking a Movie for a Date.

Hello. My name is Austin and these are my tips for everyday life. This tip is about a daunting task each one of use has had to perform at least once. This tip is about picking a movie to see on a date. To simplify things I have made a helpful flow chart which can be seen below.

Flowchart

I am sure that even you, the casual internet user, can figure out how to use a flow chart.

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor. If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Who would win in a fight, chuck norris or jesus?
Crag2804

Oh Crag, I thankyou, any reason to fire up the old “Thunderdomeatron” programme gets my juices flowing.

At first I altered the parameters to include Jesus’s omnipotency but the results where dissapointingly predictable, so as any good scientist will tell you, when the results are not exciting you are under sworn oath to sex them up.

So, I changed the parameters again to tone down Jesus and beef up Chuck and boy was it a good fight.

At first Jesus was all “Turn the other cheek” then Chuck let fly with a round house to his crotch and our saviours mood changed to “Wrath of God”

It eventually ended when Jesus sodomised Norris with a broken bottle, he promptly brought him back to life just long enough to choke chuck on fish and bread.

Why is belly button fluff always blue?
kal

I know, its frustrating, with fluff’s talent he does not have to do blue, its beneath him.

Whats the proper name for the back of your hand?
kal

The correct name for the back of the hand is the Mapular Atalason Cartographical Area.
This is why people use the saying “I know it like the back my hand”

I’m sorry.

Why don’t penguins feet freeze?
kal

They wear slippers made of polar bear fur. How they get the fur is very interesting, they hunt in packs of 15-20, which are to able bring down and skin an adult polar bear in under 25 seconds.

They may look cuddly but they are actually Vicous little fuckers.

Why do men have nipples?
kal

In some cultures its form of greeting to suckle on the teat of a man. Next time you are in russia you should try it. If you really want to show how much you know about his culture give his anus a little tickle as well, its our equivilent of a hearty handshake.

It’s me Mario. If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum