Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 010

3 minutes of the F***wit mising the point in Alaska. Instead of highlighting oil-spills he pollutes a hole in the ice and gets arrested. PS. There arent any penguins in Alaska. What a dipstick.

[audio:http://www.switchpod.com/users/hansisland/JR011-64.mp3]

Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 009

Jesper is trying to be a cyber protester. By using technology he hopes to change the world. As usual Jesper gets it completely wrong; and whats he been doing with those female voice simulators?

[audio:http://www.switchpod.com/users/hansisland/JR010-64.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

Welcome to Ask the Fucking Professor.

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Flies Eye
How would my life be different if I had eyes like a fly that enabled me to see in almost 360 degrees around me. Would I cope better or worse with my new vision?

Missed this one. Undoubtedly it would be much better, but not how you would think, although it would be advantages to have near 360 vision, the biggest benefit would be the ability to process several thousand images simultaneously, imagine how much porn you could view in an hour.
Staggering.

I must put this on my “To invent” list.

Ice Cool
Can we use ice makers and drinks coolers to combat global warming?

This idea was first mooted by Professor Dalmanker in the early 80’s, however I identified a major flaw in his thoery –

If we use ice makers and drink coolers then how will we be able to make Slush Puppies?
Although global warming may catastrophic, the loss of crushed ice and syrup beverages is a step to far. A step towards totalatarian insanity.

After I identified this flaw Dalmanker was promptly ostricised from the scientific comunity. And rightly so.

Square Eyes
Can watching too much TV really cause your eyes to go square?

Only if you get too close and get it jammed in your eye sockets.

Wind Trouble
Also, if the wind changes, will my face really be stuck like this?

We both know that its already happened

What?
How do lasers work?

They do continetal shifts.

Where?
Where is doncaster airport?

Its over there.

Why?
Thermos flasks keep hot things hot and cold things cold – but how do they know which is which?

They are Sentiant

Pain in the?
Painkillers – how do they know where the pain is?

They are sentient

Life is like a Butterfly
Butterflies (and to a lesser extent, moths) – do they fly where they like or do they have no choice because of the wind?

Its a bit of both, you see they control the wind, so if they want to go the pub they just make the wind blow that way.

Twat
What happened to Mr Motivator?

He turned into Mr Liquidated after he done for tax fraud.

 

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 008

Protesting in the IKEA carpark and getting confused about SAAB and weapons of mass destruction. Jespers friend just wants to protest against noisy and drunk Swedish people. Is IKEA really bigger than McDonalds? 3 minutes of Jesper with a stupid Danish accent.

[audio:http://www.switchpod.com/users/hansisland/JR009-64.mp3]

How to Treat a Lady

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words “fuck you” and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.

9. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket… Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

10. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?

12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

13. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.

14. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.

15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

16. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

17. Remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much but I think it’s funny.

19. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now don’t call.

20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she does, then get off her and leave. Girls love that.

Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 007

Jesper makes fart noises in France at an Airbus conference. The Mr. Bean of protesting gets it wrong again and gets involved with the French Police. Are people from Holland really called that? Funny 3 minutes of a Danish protester getting it wrong.

[audio:http://www.switchpod.com/users/hansisland/JR008-64.mp3]

Jesper Rasmussen Anti-Global F***wit 006

Another 3 minute sketch with Jesper Rasmussen in Copenhagen, getting all the facts wrong. Are there taxis in Greenland? Hilarious Danish accent; stupid f***wit. Jesper tries to get onto the post boat to Greenland. Podcast paa englesk med Dansk accent.

[audio:http://www.switchpod.com/users/hansisland/JR006-64.mp3]

Ask the Fucking Professor

If you have a question or a problem that cannot be answered by anyone, do not despair, you can always Ask the Professor! If Professor Lazarus can’t find the answer then there probably isn’t one.

Genderene.
Man is to polystyrene as woman is to?    

Erethylene.

Bored Food
Why does fur grow on food that’s left out for a few days, is this rapid evolution or something else?  

Basically as the food is left for a while it gets bored, to alleviate the boredom it takes up knitting, the end result is either a nice white fleece or a green jumper.

Knock Knock?
Dr Who?           

Its just Doctor. The “Who” part is added in virtually every episode and could quite possibly be the least funny “in-joke” in the history of TV
           
What wouldn’t Meat Loaf do?
What wouldn’t Meat Loaf do in his famous song, “I would do anything for love”?
     
I believe the song refers to him not travelling back to 1047 France, specifically Val-es-Dunes to stop William of Normandy winning his first battle at the age 19.

Cold Bananas
It’s quite common knowledge that if you keep fruit in the fridge it lasts for longer before it goes off. This isn’t the case for bananas though, why do they age faster when they’re cold but other food ages slower?      

Its a well known horticultural fact that Bananas are awkward bastards. In theory they could last forever in a fridge, but oh no, out of spite they will top themselves after 2 days.

Just an inch
Why are inches approx 3cms wide?        

Because if they were 32cms wide they would be a foot.

Washing machine Enders
Does anybody in East Enders actually own a washing machine??   

One of the reasons the BBC is far and away the best TV producers in the world is the attention to detail, its a little known fact that true “East Enders” (People born within certain demographic based on how much of a whining voice and chirpy yet tosspotterish personality their parents are) are not allowed washing machines.
This oddity of British Law stems back all the way to Saxon’s, during the “blood month” (Now known as November) Saxons slaughtered there livestock in preparation of winter. Now, the Saxons did not have any chimneys, so when they cured a pig via a smoking method the house filled with soot, wait, what was the question again?

 

If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.