15 Foods I don’t eat and why

Food Groups

I’m fat. Yet, because I’m fat, it doesn’t mean I eat EVERYTHING. I’m fat because I eat crap, and am lazy.

Most fat people won’t admit this. I hate fat people. On with the show.

The following is a list of foods that I hate, and wish to cast into the deepest chasms of hell. This list is inspired by the numerous OMFG YOU DONT EAT SUCH AND SUCH OMFG KILL WHITEY quips I get from random people.

“BUT PAUL THERE’S STARVING PEOPLE IN LIBERTY CITY/OVERTOWN/CAROL CITY/ OPA LOCKA/ CHINA/MADAGASCAR.”

REALLY? NO SHIT. Anyone who wishes to give me the following foods, may deduct it from your taxes, as I will be donating it to said children.

And people think I’m an asshole!

1: Bread.

I remember in school, people would ask me for my bread. I’d always hand it over. I’m so pious!!! Bread is something I’d rather not eat alone. If it comes first at a restaurant, and if I’m STARVING like the kids in Opa Locka, then I’ll eat it. Bread by itself is sad. It instills feelings of loneliness. Solitude. It must be joined with meats. This leads me to…

2: Toast

I never “got” toast. Toast is bread that committed suicide. It lost the reason to live, and now it’s charred. Any flavor the bread had is gone forever. It’s the Hiroshima of food. “OH BUT PAUL, LAST KING OF SCOTLAND, YOU HAVE TO PUT BUTTER ON IT HURRRRRR”.

3: Butter

With the exception of CORN, I refuse to put butter on anything. Even if FABIO tells me to. The texture is phlegmy, and it doesn’t add much to the application. I use butter for general cooking, like I do with castor oil, red wine, etc. I don’t drink olive oil. If I’m starving and have to have toast, it must be cuban bread. with cream cheese as opposed to butter,and  cafe con leche. Those 3 together. Anything less is non compliant.

4: Brie

Brie is cheese that didn’t make it. The texture is phlegmy, i.e. buttery, and it tastes like nothing. Hmm like phlegm. Next time I have a cold I’ll hack some up, and sell it as brie. God I hate brie.

“OH BUT PAUL YOU PROBABLY GOT SOME BAD ________________”

I’ve tried all this shit on multiple occasions, to CONFIRM my hate for it. Everyone knows how persistent  I get with some things in my life. Also for the record, I’ll try anything. I’ve never had cow tongue. I’ll try it though. Just to say I did.

5: Asparagus

Slimy, green, urinary. Sauteed or boiled, it can be tolerated, but in the can, unacceptable. It’s like eating the intestines of a greater plant.

6: Green Peppers

Green peppers are the bane of my existence at sub shops and pizza places. I ask for NO green peppers, yet THERE THEY ARE in all their putrid glory. Green peppers (as opposed to the other colors) has such a pungent taste and smell, that it ASSIMILATES the taste of the ORIGINAL food you are consuming. This is the borg of peppers. If I eat a sub, with green peppers on it, I’m no longer eating a sub. I’m eating green pepper flavored meat and bread. This results in non-compliance. If I see green peppers on my shit, I’m not tipping. If the green peppers are in a pasta sauce, this means that the sauce has killed the pepper, and has become one with the sauce. This is acceptable, as the pepper is dead.

7: Seafood

I grew up with dogs, cats, turtles, and fish. I do not eat dogs, cats, turtles, and fish. I didn’t grow up with chickens, goats, or cows. So fuck them. I hate seafood in general. With the grand exception of conch. Conch is an animal that lives in a shell. Conch is anti social and emo. So I eat conch. And it really doesn’t taste fishy, miraculously. When you smell steak, MMMM IT SMELLS LIKE STEAK. When you smell SEAFOOD, YUCK IT SMELLS LIKE FISH. Why would I eat something that smells like crap from BIRTH to CONSUMPTION. Fish also has tiny bones that you can choke to death on. Don’t get me started on shellfish like shrimp, crabs, and lobster. We used to go to XTRA market on 117th and Bird, and I wanted to take the lobster from the tank home and keep him as a pet. Oysters have a magical thing called a pearl. these are magnificent creatures that should not be eaten. OH GOD then there’s some fish that is served whole. And it’s LOOKING at you. The EYE is still there. I’M NOT FUCKING EATING ANYTHING THATS LOOKING AT ME. Fish are friends, not food. I do take omega 3 pills, which consists of fish oil. It’s great because I don’t have to taste it, and the fucking eye isn’t looking at me while I down it.

8: Chocolate

I put this in the same category as bread. Chocolate is like a retarded child that must be accompanied at all times by something else. Throw a hershey’s kiss in front of me, and I’ll look at it, look at you, then laugh. Throw me one with an almond in it, and I’ll gladly eat it. I never “got” chocolate, and womens’ obsession with it, and all the talk of it being an aphrodesiac. lol @ aphrodesiac. The best aphrodesiac is sex. If you can’t get it up for whatever reason, then take a viagra. 100 times more effective than chocolate I’m sure. Dark chocolate is chocolate on steroids. This results in non-compliance. The few times I’ve eaten dark chocolate (usually to prove to people that I hate it) I gag at it’s sweetness. I’ll eat fish, before I eat dark chocolate.

Dark chocolate is so sweet that it TRANSCENDS sweetness into bitterness. its like the hitler youth movement.

9: Milk

Another one for the accompaniment category. I can’t drink milk by itself. It is tasteless, and disgusting. Most offensive is whole milk, which to me is downing the equivalent of lard. IRONY: I love chocolate milk. The 2 retardations work well together. I’ll put chocolate in it, I’ll put it in coffee, but I refuse to drink it by itself. I take calcium pills instead.

10: Garlic

Something else I never “got”. It makes your breath smell bad. There are some people who didn’t recently eat garlic, and their breath smells like garlic. Garlic is the de facto smell of bad breath, with coffee coming in at a close second. I’ll eat it with bread only if really hungry, and the fucking waiter is taking forever with our order or whatever. Garlic is very good for you however, so you guessed it..I take garlic pills regularly.

11: Peas

Peas live a double standard. They are vegetables, but are sweet like a fruit. I don’t appreciate this duplicity. So I don’t eat peas. The aftertaste never leaves my mouth. It’s like that advanced listerine. Regular listerine is fine, but you taste the advanced one all day long. Ditch this shit.

12: Vinegar

Another thing women love that I don’t get. Like green peppers, the taste and SMELL of vinegar neutralizes whatever the fuck you put it on. We used vinegar to color our eggs back in the days of yore and strife. Especially blasphemous is balsamic vinegar, which you can smell from a mile away. I don’t give rimjobs to skunks, so I’m not consuming balsamic vinegar. I do not take vinegar pills. Do they even exist? Don’t answer, I don’t care.

13: Artichokes

I hate the overly acidic taste of artichokes. And it’s not the good acid like citrus, it’s the pungent shitty acid. If I ate the xenomorph from Alien, I’m willing to bet he tastes like artichokes.

14: Cucumbers

I love pickles. I’m a pickle fiend. I’m actually well known for this. But what the pickle comes from, is an underdeveloped freak. Pickles are cucumbers that evolved to a higher echelon of greatness, using the perfect mixture of salt, spices, and god forbid vinegar. In the great war of Zion prime, vinegar, great enemy of the land, lost a part of itself under heavy gunfire, and it was snatched up by the cucumber. This is how pickles were made. Cucumber is bland, tasteless. It’s like I’m eating a black hole. If I see it on my sub, I’ll remove them and chuck them across the room.

15: Capers

The mother of them all. I’ll eat all the previously mentioned foods put together in a blender, before I eat capers. Capers are in the same family as the olive, one of my favorites. Capers taste like olives and green peppers had a lovechild. Since these are two different species, the result is gruesome. Open up a caper and you will see underdeveloped intestines, a brain, and other shit that looks horrendous. Dissecting sheeps brain in biology class was less disgusting to me. Capers, like it’s father the green pepper, have the ability to completely permeate whatever you put it in. Picadillo is a common application. Once the capers enter the picadillo, all hope is lost, and the picadillo becomes a pandemic. I can sit there for an hour, pick out all the fucking capers from it, and it will still taste like capers. Capers are the abortion of all greens. When I go to the supermarket, and pass by caper jars, it is a tradition for me to stare at it, then shake my head. They should not exist, and the world would be a better place without them.

All those birds that dropped dead last week, probably ate capers.

My father is obsessed with capers. He would always make shit with them, until THREE WEEKS AGO. Yes. THREE WEEKS AGO, when he made some picadillo, especially for me, minus the AIDS. I was happy. It took 28 years.

/end lecture.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.