Warner Brothers Studios Quarantined As Sylvester Snuffs It

Picture of poor Sylvester Since reports this week from Germany, where the first case of a cat dying from the potentially fatal to humans strain of bird flu H5N1, ominous news has come in that the deadly strain has reached American soil.

Panic has broken out at the famed Loony Tunes cartoon studios during a private screening of the latest Tweety Pie episode after the fully completed strip returned from its Asian outsourced sub-contractors based in Hong Kong.

As details slowly emerged, the obviously frightened spokesman for the company, attired in a full biological protective suit, told a reporter.

‘Our own artists only sketch every 20th sequence to a story, the rest are padded out in child artists sweat shops in Asia for 5 cents a page. Obviously they had been sharing a chicken for lunch and contracted the dreaded form of bird flu.’

The studio staff had been enjoying the new Sylvester v Tweety Pie episode and nothing had seemed odd until Sylvester the cat, who constantly attempts to eat the annoying fat headed arrogant canary, swallowed the yellow loud mouth just as it finished its classic line, ‘I tawt I taw a puddy tat’, and went into spasms, and as one viewer put it, ‘started to convulse like an Ebola victim on crack cocaine.’

The horrified audience had expected that Tweety’s assistant, ‘Bulldog’, would grab the hapless cat, swing it around the room by the tail for a few spins, then dash out the black and white screeching pussy’s brains against a table, onto which the cheeky chirpy canary would pop out as usual, saliva drenched but unharmed. However what transpired next has shocked the cartoon world to the bottom of its pencil boxes.

‘Sylvester started to sneeze violently, seconds after ingesting the canary and the walls were strewn with cat snot.  The visibly shaken spokesman went on, ‘then it started convulsing, flew up to the ceiling, at which point the hapless feline’s eyes bulged then exploded.’

Worse was to come,

‘In it’s death throes, Sylvester’s tortured body stiffened, it’s fur stuck out like spikes and tried to defecate the flu riddled bird, resulting in Bulldog being literally ‘tarred and feathered’ by the diarrhoea stream of semi digested Tweety Pie fired out under high pressure.’
 
The yellow and brown shite dripping dog went barking mad, then in its canine terror savaged the animals’ owner, little old Granny, so badly that the poor dear died before even the fastest artist could rub it out. The utter carnage depicted had many of the 73 viewers collapse in shock as the final seconds of the macabre cartoon ended.

In an effort to control the outbreak all Tweety cartoons have been incinerated and plans are under way to vaccinate Daffy Duck and Road Runner. In a separate incident Terrytoons confirmed that their mischievous magpies, Heckle and Jeckle, after refusing to be inoculated, claiming it was a Taliban plot, were beaten to death at Guantánamo bay, baked, popped in a pie and sent to the King of Saudi Arabia, along with 22 terrorists suspects to make up the numbers.

However, there were still some cool heads at the studios. When asked if he was worried, Bugs Bunny, whilst chomping on a genetically manipulated carrot shaped like a bagel, replied, ‘What’s up Doc? I thought we were banned by Google in China.’

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.