Just like how dads in America used to hide their Playboy magazines it should be no surprise that wizards and spell makers of old would do the same. ~J.A. Laraque

Pathetic displays of Nudity in Classic Video Games

The other day I was told that the laser disc version of the movie, Who framed Roger Rabbit, is worth a lot of money because you can slow down the speed enough in a specific scene to get a Basic Instinct shot of Jessica Rabbit. If you are creepy enough to go research that yourself then these displays of nudity in classic games are for you.

Diplocephalus: Castlevania Symphony of the Night

The ultimate Myspace angle monster, you guys remember Myspace angles right? Diplocephalus is a monster from the Sony PlayStation game, Castlevania Symphony of the Night.  She has a beautiful upper body, but look out below because she is attached to a horrible monster.

When you hit her she turns and you get a shot of her bare hind quarters.  I just realized this is a monster representation of a hot click dating an ugly dude.

Big Snail: Metal Slug 3

A long time ago desperate horny boys with cable television would turn to the adult channel which was naturally scrambled and stare at it for hours for a few milliseconds glance of a semi-unscrambled signal. This is exactly what the nudity here is like.

In Metal Slug 3, when this monster spays you with acid, if you are a guy you dissolve into bones. If you are a girl, the acid dissolves her clothes and for a second you get a few frames of her naked body. Look, if they took the time to code it in the game we might as well take the time to stare at it.

Lizzy: Rampage World Tour

Why did all the boys love to play the lizard in Rampage, for the few seconds of heavy pixelated nudity when she reverts to her human form that’s why. Her expression is similar to waking up in bed next to someone you though was attractive last night at 3am after you had twelve beers only to wake up to a nightmare.

And don’t worry about the pixelated dots; they have breast augmentation that can fix that right up.

Centerfold: Secret of Mana

Just like how dads in America used to hide their Playboy magazines it should be no surprise that wizards and spell makers of old would do the same. In the 16-bit RPG, Secret of Mana, there are mystic book enemies than once in a while show you a nude centerfold spread of a woman lying on her stomach.

It’s cool though because even ancient spell-weavers needed a little me time.

Medusa: Super Castlevania IV

Ever had someone yell; “Oh my God, Look at that!” and you turn around too late to see it? I never noticed Medusa’s nipple-less fun bags when I used to play Super Castlevania IV on my SNES. I was too busy worrying about the snakes flying at me, but apparently a lot of parents noticed it.

You know, a lot of busty women always say; “My eyes are up here.” In Medusa’s case it’s better to remain focused on her boobs.

Peter: Power Instinct 2

It makes sense with all the fighting games and all the fighters and all the powerful attacks on people, many with little clothing that parts would become exposed. In fact they have videos all about women’s tops being ripped open in fighting games, but for as many horny teens that there are who would ask for that there are ten times that many who would beg you not to have this.

Rule one of Street Fighting should be put to on some high quality underwear.

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