I requested that the management staff move me to a bigger office here at the ObscureInternet world headquarters to accommodate my company, Mascot Studios. They reluctantly agreed, but warned me to have the next update of, Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse ready by the end of the week. Unfortunately, during the move the latest issue was lost. To prevent being moved to back to the janitor’s closet, I mean my smaller office; I dug through my pile of e-mails to bring you another caring letter from an adoring fan.
This letter comes from Sarah Mitchell in Topeka, Kansas, she writes:
I’ll admit I am not a very religious person, but I was always tolerant. My boyfriend, who I met during college, was a party animal who after a football injury turned to Jesus. I have no problem with that, but he didn’t go down to a local church. He joined up with some crazy cult that makes him wear funny clothes and have crazy rules. I confronted him about it and a few days later he broke up with me because, The Grand Puba (Their leader) said I was damaging his spiritual energy or something. What can I do, J.A.? Please help.
This is a tough one Sarah. First you come from the land that thought intelligent design should be taught in schools. Intelligent design, have you seen some of the excuses for human beings walking this planet? Did intelligent design bring us such television hits as, I’ll lick sewer walls for money and I love old, fat, washed up rock stars? I guess every experiment has its flaws huh?
So can I help you, I doubt it. Instead I will go on a rant!
God is open 24/7
If by some miracle or by storming the gates, I get into heaven the first thing I will do is wake up at five A.M. on a weekend and go over to God’s house. I will knock loudly on his door until he wakes up and then ask him if he would like to hear the good word about himself.
I’m sure he will send me to Hell on a flaming railroad spike, but my point would be made and it would be worth it. I’m not a religion hater. I just really have to ask if God feels we are more open to his word after being forced awake with a raging hangover. Perhaps if your servants of light carried breakfast on them or at least coffee I might not sic my dog on them.
God says no all the time
Have you heard the good word of the Lord? No. Would you like to? No. But… Listen guys. Sometimes when I am walking through the mall I am just trying to get to the comic book store or hunting for some tail. You have the right to bug me I guess, but I have the right to ignore you. You know how Satan tempted Jesus in the desert and he pretty much ignored him? I’m doing the same to you.
An abstinence pledge only makes you hotter
Fat and ugly people cannot take abstinence pledges. You need to understand that you need to have something to abstain from to abstain from it. On the other hand, I have come across a very disturbing trend lately. I have seen more and more very hot women who are pledging to wait until marriage to put out. Normally I would not mind, but if you are hot this is a crime against men.
The last thing you want is some virgin who on your wedding night throws up on you because your no-no spot frightened him. You need practice and sexual chemistry. If you are hot you need to use it to your advantage, because, just like the power pill in pac-man, it will wear off and then you will be in the alley behind the strip club giving out rides for bus transfers.
You caught what now?
I did not know that Angels did possessions. I thought it was something only Demons did in the Exorcist or something. I went to one church where people were singing and then they started going crazy. They would scream and shout and flail their arms around twitching. I was told they were “catching a spirit”.
Funny, the last time I “caught a spirit” I was arrested for illegal possession.
God the metro-sexual..?
Again, I’m not knocking religion, really. I understand that you can feel the love and the passion in your heart and soul. How about the passion and taste of pork in your belly? If I save a bus load of kids and die in the process when I get to heaven will I be denied because I had bacon with my eggs that morning?
Some religions you have to wear certain clothing and if you don’t you’re in trouble. I could see if your God is Abercrombie & Fitch, but besides that does this make any sense in the age of Obama?
Did you know there is a religion where if you get fat you will go to hell if you die before you lose weight? I just hope their hell has a buffet line. I can see the judgment process now. It will be those guys from Quire eye for the Straight Guy deciding if you get in or not.
I want to believe
Please don’t get your chastity belts in a bunch. These are jokes and I respect everyone’s beliefs as long as they don’t affect me. There has to be somebody out there and I am sure, to us, they seem God-like. However, considering how we still treat our own I doubt we will recognize God if he was really one of us.
If he was just a stranger on the bus he would have been fired from his job due to cut backs. His medical insurance would have been canceled. His car would have broken down. His taxes would have gone up while his 401K went to hell. His girlfriend would have cheated on him and the guy next to him on the bus would smell really bad and the air conditioner just broke.
Behold the end of days.