Ask the Fucking Professor

Professor Lazarus is still toiling hard within ObscureInternet headquarters to solve life’s most mysterious mysteries.

Doctor Lazarus
It’s less than 2.5 years now until I officially become a doctor, how much extra work and effort is needed to become a prof? Is it something that can be worked towards or are some people just born with what it takes?

Academically speaking there are 3 ways to become a Professor –

  • Take an advanced degree, get your paper published in a reputable journal, and accept tenure at some poxy university.
  • Invent a weapon that has the potential to destroy the earth, demonstrate it by blowing up the moon, present your demands to the UN wearing, and this is the critical bit, a white lab coat, you will be then known in the papers as Professor Doom. (note- there is a danger of being called Dr. Doom as this has a better ring to it)
  • Simply call yourself the Professor, eventually people will get sick of you correcting them when they call you Crag, and start calling you Professor. Or, as in my case they might shorten it to Prosser.

    Your not born with the ability to be a Professor, its more like natural talent, or genes.

    Clear as a Mouse
    Why can I see through a 2 litre drinks bottle but not a mouse?

    The way your eyes work is much different to the way people think they do. Rather than light entering your eyes and your brain deciphering it, what actually happens is that you send out beams of tiny particles which retrieve information and bring it back to your eyes.

    Now, for a bottle of pop its easy, the particles go around the pop and come back and tell you whats there. No problem.

    However when the particles hit the mouse there is a problem, the mouse has natural defence against these molecules that only let the ones that hit front of the mouse to go back to the eyes, the ones that go around the mouse that would allow you to see through it are murdered by the defensive shield. Almost everyting has the defense. With the exception of glass, water, see-through plastic and super-models.

    Rise STAT
    How was Lazarus raised from the dead?

    I have studied the original Hebrew text of John 11 and have found significant translation discrepancies in the English version (and indeed all other languages)

    Biblical Scholars had determined that the following text was an accurate translation –

    So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you for hearing me.
    I know that you always hear me; but because of the crowd here I have said this, that they may believe that you sent me.”
    And when he had said this, he cried out in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”
    The dead man came out, tied hand and foot with burial bands, and his face was wrapped in a cloth. So Jesus said to them, “Untie him and let him go.”

    However they are wrong, My own studies have concluded that the correct translation is

    So they took away the stone. And Jesus went into the cave and said “OK, we have a Caucasian male with no pulse, Mary get me 15cc of adrenaline and a defib stat!”

    And when he said this he cried out in a loud voice “Paddles on chest we are going on 3 everyone clear……CLEAR!……CLEAR!……..CLEAR! We got a pulse, its steady. BP is leveling out, good job team”

    The dead man came out, tied hand and foot with burial bands, and his face was wrapped in a cloth. So Jesus said to them, “Untie him and let him go.”

    So, How did Jesus bring Lazarus back to life? It appears that as well as being the son of god, he is also the first man in history to use a defiblirator.

    If you have a question for the Professor, send an email to Professor@ObscureInternet.com or post it in the forum.

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