Lack of beans…

I think there is a severe shortage of baked beans. I can’t find any anywhere. I’ve tried all of the supermarkets on our road and they all seem to have run out. I asked if they had any “out back” – they didn’t or haven’t. They’re not sure when they are getting any in again either.

What has happened? This is worrying.

I carried out a search on the internet and one of the only things I could find was this article on hansom cabs This is odd as there are usually more pages than that when I press the buttons on my telly. There is a small cherry tree in my pie and I can’t find the frog, it’s run under the mangle…

I need castor beans. I need the beans. As an honest consumer I need the beans and their tomatoey goodness…

The shortage may perhaps be to do with the lack of label ink. On products, tins and packets we now have helpful things such as GI index, vitamins, B14 plus retro, iron content, red/green/yellow ploprut, saturated fat, unsaturated fat, fat, flat, hatchback, hunchback and chlorine context/indices.

All I need to know is are they posh beans, cheap beans, or shitty beans? Just tell me! Tsk!

Did you know that these labels actually increase the weight of the bean tin, therefore making them heavier. Thus in bulk they are hence-on-forth more expensive to transport and less likely to survive in the wild.

So come on beanmakers, sort out the labelling. I need my beans and I need them now!

A Growing Con-CERN

I’m not here to type this. You’re not there to read it. Nothing exists anymore. Literally nothing.

The Large Hadron Collider was fired up earlier this week. This wasn’t really that big a deal, but some barmy Americans decided that it was going to end the world. They took the owners and scientists responsible for the LHC to court, accusing them of growing black holes. Now, this was a bandwagon to jump on, apocalypse soon. Even the BBC went to have a look.


But hang on! We’re still here! Feel stupid now? Well, yeah.

Sadly for our pessimistic friends, the earth wasn’t shattered in billions of wonky particles. All that happened in fact, was that some men in white coats sent some really small things round a big thing looking for some things so small they might or might not even exist. Still with me? They’re looking for the Higgs-Boson, which is theoretically the missing particle that explains the universe. I think I used to play a Higgs-Boson in the school band.

Professor Stephen Hawking, physics genius and all round top skateboarder told us that all would be well. “These reactions,” he said Dalek-ly “take place all the time in the atmosphere. There is no need for concern.”

Well, thanks Stevie, me old wheelie-bin, but when a robotic voice tells the earth there’s nothing to fear, we should really start to panic.

Give it a couple of weeks, and it’ll all be forgotten about. Higgs-Bosons will be found in all modern homes. Hawking will be carried shoulder high (chair allowing) and hailed as a hero. Thing is, in a few weeks time they actually are going to make a black hole, or try to anyway. So, er, enjoy it while it lasts, eh?

Massive gains in genetic science


A genetic penis enlargement pill is set to hit the market in the next few years. After the miracle blue pill that turned Bob Dole’s into Bill Clinton’s clinical tries are set to begin within a year to test a new product dealing with gene manipulation, one large wang for man, one giant ego boost for mankind.

Can you see the commercials now? Men of all ages and sizes with a cheese eating grin on their face talking about how they are able to please their counterparts in every position imaginable. With a boastful gain of seventy percent increased size to your manhood Karma Sutra books have been flying off the shelves since the announcement.

Men are not the only ones to rejoice. Women for so long have been torn between a kind a sensitive man with a good job and brains and the black-jack rod of power that so many women long for. Now you can give this pill to your man and presto they become John Holmes incarnate.

Not everyone is happy with this announcement. While as a black man this breakthrough in science does not concern me there have been rumblings within the black community over losing their stereotypical superiority. One member who asked to have his identify kept secret said the following.

“Black people have been labeled with many negative stereotypes, but there was one that made many of us proud and that was the size of our penis. That hooker from Full Metal Jacket said it best ‘beau coup’ I don’t know the direct translation, but it means big as hell. Do you know how many women I got based on the known fact that the brothers pack the meat? So now you are trying to tell me that any Tom, little Dick and Harry can pop a pill and compete with me? This is just another example of the man trying to keep us down.”

Regardless of some hurt feelings the product is going full steam ahead with the research and financial backing to insure this product will become a billion dollar commodity. The potential side effects have not yet been listed, but honestly who would turn down seventy percent more man-pole, only communists that’s who.

MySpace Interview – The Upbeat Glass Smash

Q. So, who are you anyway?

We are The Upbeat Glass Smash! Or ThUGS for short.  Anonymity – I can’t decide if that’s good or not – works for Daft Punk doesn’t it?  …..Although they have names don’t they?  The Upbeat Glass Smash started firstly with the purchase of the popular ‘music series’ on the Playstation and getting seriously hooked on it. However, the lack of saving or broadcasting yourself hindered any real progress.  So, when I found a copy for my PC when I was a little bit older and wiser and the whole MySpace boom had kicked off with the Arctic Monkeys I found myself saying, I need some of that action!

The name came from a spell check I would always get at work: I used to work for a company with the initials TVHG and whenever I would send an e-mail, it suggested I replace it with Thug or Thugs for TVHG. Anyway, I had a vision of ‘THUG’ on a T-shirt being quite an amazingly marketable thing (never made one yet!) for the youth of today hence ‘The Upbeat Glass Smash’ (Possibly getting in after a night with a shoe sole covered in glass might also have had something to do with it).

Q. Describe your sound for us.

I first started playing about with catchy hooks and melodies without much of a real clue of what a chord or note was, or any sense of timing and rhythm.  I’ve slowly evolved from there – picking up a guitar or keyboard and really getting to grips with musical theory and hopefully trying to better myself with each song I make – otheIs there much point otherwise?

I am always willing to listen to feedback; a guy I work with suggested lots more drums and since then I’ve been into loud noisy stuff with more of a thumping beat.  I tend to go for an atmospheric sound, something you might hear in a nightclub and say, “Hey that was a bit different”.  Usually though, I try to go with what I think sounds right together.

I’d say it was big, atmospheric, a little bit chaotic but catchy and quite addictive.

Q. So you rate yourself then?

Not really – maybe that is a key to success, a little bit of arrogance.  I mean I was chuffed to bits when a mate sent me a text the other night after putting new songs on MySpace that simply said “12 Bars One Night Is….FUCKING BRILLIANT”.  That’ll do for me!!  I think I can create a fantastic sound and am probably limited by the tools I have.  I wonder what I could come up with on a serious bit of kit…..

Q. Who are your influences?

First and foremost when I started out, I would spend hours trying to recreate Daft Punk’s first album and get absolutely nowhere near.  Fatboy Slim, Air, Chemical Brothers; the mainstream dance acts of the mid 90s where my first influences.  Now though, anything I hear is an influence and I try to replicate the tracks I enjoy listening to.  To name a few; Brian Wilson (especially the Smile Album), the Who, AC/DC, Oasis and the Prodigy too.  On one of the newer tracks I recently came across a guy on Youtube who made a load of stuff on Music 2000 (as I do) and his tunes helped me with the Radio Sunlight song.  One thing which is at the front of my mind when I started trying to make something that sounds like The Who is what an incredibly good drummer Keith Moon was (you cannot replicate that style drumming on a computer!)

Q. Tell us one of your musical secrets.

I quite like reversing samples – Try telling that to your doctor!

Q. What’s in the future?

I’m currently having a little break from doing any stuff at the minute but have started a complete cover of the Who’s ‘Tommy’ Album in a dance style.  I’d love for someone to come along and say, “We love this, could we use it on an advert, could we use this in a film?”.  I also want to do some videos and get a load of stuff on Youtube.

Q. What’s your claim to fame?

I was reviewed by a local paper’s music writer. Wow eh?!  He said my stuff was incredible, epic stuff.

Q. Musically, where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

I would like to be still making music in ten years time. I have written pages and pages of lyrics with tunes in my head but  – can I heck as like translate that into real living music.  That’s the next step – A rock opera of my own would be good, in fact the words are written!  Being able to perform live is where it’s at – look at Oasis – there is not one of their songs you can’t listen to for free on the Internet.  So how do they make their money?  180,000 tickets in one hour is how.  Being the best live band in the country is where it’s at.

Q. Myspace or Facebook?

Myspace for music. Facebook for poking – When I tried to add The Upbeat Glass Smash as a page on Facebook with a few tracks but to add any music you have to send them a copy of your passport!! Sod that!!

If you make music and you’d like to answer some questions, just drop us a line at!