The 28 minute story

When Tony kicked his shoes off, when he returned home from work, he did it the same way as he had since he could remember. He couldn’t be arsed bending down and undoing the laces. Simply used one foot against the heel of the other shoe and forced the foot out. The last shoe would always be flicked up into the air, to crash against the ceiling and land with satisfying ‘splat’ on the staircase, where it would then proceed to tumble, ‘thump thump thump’ all the way down, where it lay, till his screeching wife Cherie would eventually pick it up and place it on the ‘shoe rack’.

Today was different.

As the right shoe bounced it way down as usual, there was a deeper note, and as it slid to a halt, Tony looked at in puzzlement and took a step forwards, only to crash down onto his face.

From a distance of two hands spread, Tony stared through pain watered eyes at the shoe. Something was wrong. Very wrong. It wasn’t the fact that his sour smelling grey/white sock protruded over the split and worn back of the leather shoe, but that it appeared his foot was still in it!

They sent Tony to a small island, just off the coast, to where the other Lepers lived. He couldn’t really complain. Being an idle sod anyway, life wasn’t so bad. Food and beer was dropped by helicopter every Thursday, Satellite T.V., 24/7. No worries in the world, except at some stage he might fall apart at the seams. The other inhabitants suffered their equal lot with quite dignity. In fact, they would take their fate with morbid humour. The women would giggle over so and so losing his member in the middle of a hefty session, the men would joke how so and so had proudly shown her breasts during one drunken orgy, only to find one was missing.

Tony settled in well, and soon had a regular Poker game going every Wednesday. Then it happened. What every Poker player dreams of. A ‘Royal Flush’, no wild cards. The stakes were high. Cigarettes the only currency. Tony knew he had the others and bet his entire allocated ration. The pile grew and grew, as the other 7 players bid and bid. Tony knew that when he won this hand, and, he had to, the odds of two Royal Flushes were as miniscule as finding life in the Whitehouse, he would have the monopoly on fags for the next week.

“CALL!”, and Tony placed the Royal Flush down on the table and grinned wickedly.

The others threw their hands in with disgust and Tony laughed his head off.

The End.

Ask… Jay Kay

Jay Kay Twat

Jason “Jay” Kay is a the funk musician. He is the main composer and lead singer of Jamiroquai. now he answers your problems.

 

 

 

Gamers Puzzling Problems

JAY KAY, Whoo!
I have a problem, ha! Of course I have problem, why would I be asking your advice if I did not have a problem lol! Rofl!! Me-wipes tears from eyes laughing.
Anyway I am a serious gamehead, I play counter-strike any free time I have, and its putting a MASSIVE strain on my marriage, as you would say, “7|-|4 817¢|-| j|_|57 |)0|\|’7 |_||\||)3r574|\||)” I’m at the top of my game, about to turn pro, I gotta 5.3 kill rating which pretty much means I have serious pwnage over the newb’s, listen, last night I was on a pubserv and I raped and pillaged the CT’s (I always play T’s) all night, they were calling me a |-|4><0r1|\|9 ¢4|\/|p1|\|9 5|\|1p3r \/\/|-|0r3, but I don’t care. Anyway what can I do to save my marriage?
[UK_SKULZ] |\|3\/\/8|<1||3r,
Newcastle

Jay Kay replies.

I have not got a fucking clue what you are on about, from what I can gather you play computer games and your bitch does not like it. I don’t like it either, I’m with the hoe on this one. Get wit the groove brother, take the lady on the highway of funk, treat her to a light fantastique night of boogie and buzz.

If that don’t float her boat, send her to the “J” I’ll show her why I’m called Special K by the fly girls, I’ll pass her back with a smile on her face and tingle in her poon.

Bullied Automaton

Dear Jay kay 
I am getting bullied at school, I am not ugly, I’m pretty good at sport, and I get average school grades, you know the type, I’m one of the faceless automatons that just seem to be there. Yet, some girls have started to tease me, calling me all sorts of names, I just ignored them to start with, but a couple of days ago one of them punched me in the face, now I have always been taught not to hit girls but this one nearly broke my nose. What should I do?
Alan (14),
Slough

Jay Replies

I hear your pain brother, I had similar bum time at school, some bitch had my life for months, then I found the groove my man, I found the groove! I turned up to school in a furry top hat, popped out a few disco moves and within 2 weeks that bitch was doing the do down on me, you catch my drift? I loved her mouth then dumped the biatch. Take it from me, find your groove, strut in and become the top-cock of the school .

Loads of Money?

Dear Jay
I’ve got a nice problem, I got left a substantial sum money when she pegged it. I got about 20 grand, what do you reckon, should I invest in the stock market? Or put it in a medium yield low risk savings account?
Bob “I’m in the money” Newhart,
Templeton

Bobby,

20grand, wooo your in the big leagues now! For fucks sake dude you can’t do fuck all with 20k, I spend that a month on fucking socks.  Take your money, go to Prague for a weekend, and whore it up for a couple of days, for that kinda green you’ll get 20 fine ass’s that will do anything, I mean anything. it will give you glimpse of what my Tuesday nights are like. I’ve had enough, I got tunes to spin, cars drive and fine bitches to pleasure

Jay Kay out.

The News at Six

Welcome to the news, but this is no ordinary news. In order to get a fresh perspective we ask a six year old child about the weeks top news stories from around the world.

Record 53m stolen in depot raid

Raiders involved in Britain’s biggest cash robbery got away with 53,116,760 from the Securitas depot in Tonbridge, Kent Police have revealed.

Assistant Chief Constable Adrian Leppard said five men had been arrested in addition to the six people released on bail last week.

I think the thief should give all the money to those sad dogs on the TV, a nasty man hit those dogs.

Bush ‘waving when fell off bike’

US President George W Bush was waving to police when he fell off his bike at the G8 summit in Scotland last July, newly published police papers reveal.

Mr Bush was shouting “Thanks, you guys, for coming” when he lost control and collided with an officer, the documents obtained by Scotland on Sunday show.

The smash left Mr Bush with scrapes on his hands and arms, and the policeman needing crutches for an ankle injury

He should be more careful on his bike, as it can very dangerous on roads, even for hedgehogs.

EU threatens Serbia over Mladic

The European Union has told Serbia and Montenegro that talks on closer ties will be put on hold unless it hands over war crimes suspect Ratko Mladic.

European commissioner Ollie Rehn told the BBC talks planned for early April would be called off until there was full co-operation from Serbia.

The continued reluctance of Serbia to comply with the UN is an insult and the very idea of them joining the European Union disgusts me

This was the news at six, see you all again next next week.

Hansisland 021

Brought to you by the letter H . H for hydrogen and H for holisticism. Mostly because hydrogen is cool, but also because holisticism takes most scrabble players by surpise.

Real men save wales, real men scale walls of nuclear installations with banners. Real men don’t smell of hair gel and go for adventure weekends paintballing or driving a tank.

“The glamorous lifestyle of an environmental activist… lying around on beaches…. sipping pinacoladas… ”

[audio:http://hansisland.mypodcasts.net/audio/hansisland-2006-03-01-61937.mp3]