Game Reviews

Dan Aykroyd drinks Crystal Head Vodka

I don’t drink a lot of alcohol but when I do I like to choose something unique, interesting and perhaps something with… metaphysical powers. Oh, I also want it to be promoted by actor, Dan Aykroyd.

I drink mother fuckin’ Crystal Head Vodka, bitch.

What is the marvelous piece of artery shown? Dan Aykroyd’s masterpiece – Crystal Head Vodka, of course. Intrigued? Thought so. Let me sum it up without all of the fancy wordage.

The Creation

So, Dan Aykroyd got John Alexander (some fancy art designer) to make a exact glass replication of a human skull. Once they figured out that shit out it took like 2 years for them to construct it correctly by some glass manufacturer in Europe.

Apparently the shape and specifications makes it really hard to create… maybe because it’s a fucking exact replication of a human skull. Dan continues explaining the legend and why they choose this shape instead of a Crystal Glass Penis.

The Legend

Thousands of years ago 13 crystal heads were scattered across the earth. To our knowledge we have 8 actual heads in custody of which mostly are found in museums… except for one that belongs to a women who lives somewhere in he southwest. She claims had to put it in her closet because it started talking to her.

The actual 8 of 13 legendary quartz skulls found so far

Scientists claim that it would have taken between 300-500 years to carve one of these heads from a single piece of quartz. The odd thing is that scientists can’t figure how they were made without being damaged in the process. These skulls are based on the most recent Indiana Jones movie “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull“. It actually pains me to even think about that steaming pile of shit they call a “movie”.

Fuck you, George Lucas. I only still like you because of Star Wars 4-6.

Cultures like the Aztecs, Mayans and First-Nation Native Americans revered these artifacts with high regards. They were thought to hold “sacred” and “mystical” properties associated with sources of higher knowledge, insight and power. Sounds like Scientology to me. Anyways… what to put in such an important symbol thought to bring you alignment with spirital beings and possibly make your penis or breast size larger. Hmm.. wait! I got it! VODKA! No, not any plain old Vodka. I’m talking like… quadruple(that is 4 you dumb asses)-distilled and triple-filtered through 500-million year old Herkimer diamond crystals, fuck yea.

Totally unnecessary but Dan said so… yeah…

Yeah… this might be totally unnecessary but you can’t deny the fact that it’s cool as hell and impressive. Imagine what you could tell friends. You get the picture. Good luck finding it though, unless you buy it online. Apparently it’s very hard to find in brick-in-mortar stores… maybe if you ask Dan Aykroyd nicely… he might give you some.

That’s right, Dan – Quadruple-distilled, Herkimer diamond crystal triple-filtered Vodka.



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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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