Game Reviews

Dwarves vs Midgets

dwarf wrestlingTo coincide with a new season of Dwarf Wrestling on RTL, here’s a poll that will once and for all answer the vexed question. Who’d win a war between Dwarves and midgets? Ah, ah, ah, don’t answer so quickly my small person loving friend, here are some points that may help your poll making decision.

Midgets as they are less deformed than dwarves and therefore won’t have to wobble into battle. Plus, as they are not “top heavy” they will be able to ride Alsatians into the fray. Dwarves as they always seem to carry dwarven axes and would chop any midget down to size.

Think about:
Oompah loompas
Willow and his mates
Max’s ex from Max and Paddy
Dwarves from the film Santa Claus the movie, where Dudley Moore was one of Santa’s elves
The brick hard LOTR stunt doubles


‘Rain man’ Dustin Hoffman
Tom Cruise
Dudley Moore from the film Santa Claus the movie, where he was one of Santa’s elves
Ronnie Corbet

Logistically speaking, preparing weaponry for a dwarf army is going to take much longer as due to un-proportionate extremities each weapon would have to be built for especially for each soldier. Midgets on the other hand could use scaled down versions of current army weapons, the junior M-60 for example. If the midgets attack first they are sure to catch the dwarves unarmed and will easily become the victor.
You can send the whole Ghurkha regiment against the midgets, but nothing will survive for more than ten minutes if the dwarves are waging guerrilla warfare in the chocolate factory.

Dwarves have huge heads and could possibly nut the midgets into oblivion. Think about 20lb of mush filled, 2″ thick skull, flying at you at around 50mph, that’s gotta hurt. Then there are the huge hands, dwarves could half strangle 2 midgets at a time then clash there heads together.

Okay, okay, okay… Transformers, anyone familiar with the mini-cons will know that they are like normal transformers only in midget form. Not dwarf form; they don’t have mini bodies and big heads, perfectly formed in every way only smaller. However, they maybe midgets but powerful they be. They don’t call them dwarficons do they?! I think what I am trying to say is midgets rock, dwarves don’t! Let battle commence little dudes.

Midget Gems – everyone loves them. Anyone heard of Dwarf Gems?
Remember that great TV show… what was it called
I don’t think it was called Blue Midget was it
nor even star bug
No it was called Red Dwarf wasn’t it.

Now, go forth and choose your army for they will fight together soon and the poll shall be revealed.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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