Game ReviewsObsolete meets Obscure

Ask…. Alan Hansen

Picture of Alan Hansen

Welcome to Ask.. This week special celebrity agony aunt is Alan Hansen, (born Alloa, Scotland, June 13, 1955) was one of football’s most elegant defenders of his generation and later became a successful television pundit, so who better to give advice to the worthless masses?

What things?
Picture of The City of Gareth BirminghamHello, I need some advice. My wife (52) and I (54) are having lots of problems regarding intimacy. At present work, two teenagers, and my wife’s nightly internet sessions mean we only have any chance of intimacy Saturday and Sunday mornings before the kids are up. Lately even this has been interrupted with my wife’s apparent bad nights. Talking directly with her doesn’t work because she gets too uptight. I’ve tried e-mailing jokes to her but she sees them as ‘pathetic’. So, to cut a long story short, she sees my requests for intimacy ‘demanding’ . This gives me the impression that she does not value our relationship anymore. I’ve tried to discuss this with her but she counters by saying that my behaviour has changed due to pressures at work, and that her mind is ‘full with things’ (What things? She won’t tell me!)
Any ideas?
Gareth, Birmingham

Alan Writes
Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, dear o dear. You have got to be more assertive, Like I was telling Emile Hesky, Defenders hate facing opponents with genuine pace, but they are petrified of players with pace, coupled with the power and strength Heskey possesses
He should be knocking people over legitimately. In short, he’s got to be harder. Sol Campbell is a big, strong, quick defender but I saw him annihilated by a bigger, stronger and quicker player at Filbert Street not so long ago – Heskey.

But I believe Heskey must use his best assets to better effect. He was superb at Derby, but I want to see him terrorise teams every week. He should have defenders quaking in their boots.
In short Gareth my old son, If you are wanting a result every week, take the bull by the horns.


Ask Alan

Picture of Hannah

I need your help about my mum. My father left before i was born so I’ve never seen him and hes never seen me. That doesn’t bother me though because i have my Nan and Grandad. My mum had a little girl about 2 years ago so theres a big age difference between us but we get on so well. Lately my mum won’t stop shoutting at me about the littlest things but worst still she does it in front of her friends and mind and it’s not fair.
My friends don’t know what to do so they just look at the floor. I’m hardly home though i’m always out with my boyfriend or at my friends or i’m at work for 12 hours a day. I know it must be hard for my mum because shes alone but she doesn’t have to take it out on me does she? Please help because i’m thinking about moving out just down my Nan and Grandad’s house because I can’t stand it no more, it’s been going on for to long.
Hannah xx

Alan Writes
Heheh, your mum sounds a right feisty one. I’ve met many a manager whose bark is worse then his bite, the way to deal with them, in my experiance, is to give as good as you get, If she shouts you yell, if she screams, you throw something, mark my words Hannah, she will quickly respect you and give you the contract you deserve.
Also you might want to buy a dictionary love, there is no x in thanks.

Ask Alan

Picture of Julia

My name is Julia and I am married. I have been married for 4 months now. My husband Alan is great…but for one thing….I have a disorder called Turners Syndrome which means basically I can’t have children naturally, although IVF is an option. When I bring up the subject of children with Alan he just says no and that’s that.
Alan has been married before and has a daughter, am I being selfish wanting a child of my own with Alan. I understand all we will have to go through, but don’t you think if he loved me he would support me? I don’t understand why he doesn’t want children with me? I’m starting to think that perhaps he loved his first wife more.
Please can you help sort this one out, how can I go about bringing up the subject of children again and getting Alan to listen?
Hope you can help

Alan Writes

For gods sake’s Julia we’ve been through this, the simple truth is I don’t have time to be a full time pundit/Agony Aunt as well as being a new dad. The fact that you were barren was what attracted me to you in the first place.

Ask Alan

Picture of JPlease can you advise me on how the law stands on family assault? I am a woman of 36, and still live at home with my parents who are in their 50s and my brother who is 33. Recently my dad and brother went to the pub supposedly for just an hour or so, but they didn’t come home for seven hours and were drunk. And when my dad eventually came home, he brought a person back with him who I detest. I admit I was in the wrong because as soon as I saw this person, I insulted him and embarrassed my father, who at the time went very quiet. He then telephoned my brother to come home.
Then my mum hid up because I had embarrassed her aswell. My dad then went berserk, he ranted and pushed me up the stairs, told me to “get to my room” then chased me up there and was about to hit me, then stopped himself. Then when my brother came home, he went berserk at me as well, he turned into a monster. He poked me in the face, and pushed me and also punched me in the arm. I couldn’t say a word because if I had, he would have hit me in the face. He said I am “an evil bitch”. I know I was in the wrong for insulting the person but is what happened after against the law, even though it was within the family? This is not the first time my brother has attacked me, but he has quite a bullying nature and is always in the right. My parents just let him carry on because they don’t like aggravation.
Yours truly,

Alan Writes

Well, after reviewing the tape there is clear provocation from you, and back in my day you would of felt the “wrath of Hanson” for that sort of behaviour, but its not my time, in the modern game if you lift your hands your asking to be sent off and that’s just what your brother did, my advice is the next time it happens and he push’s his finger in your face, drop to the ground screaming like a Spanish winger, roll across the floor a couple of time to get the refs attention and wave to the sideline in a desperate attempt to get the physio on, the crowd won’t like it but it might just get him sent off.

Ask Alan

I’m moaning and nagging!

Picture of Downtrodden wife I am 25 and have been married for three years, I have 2 young children to my husband. I hope you can help me as I have no one else to turn to. My husband is becoming increasingly distant towards me and I feel used and taken for granted. Although I am thoughtful and caring towards him he doesn’t do anything to try and make me happy any more. I know he is very busy and under pressure from work but he never comments on my appearance and doesn’t seem to care what I do. When I try to confront him he just tells me I’m moaning and nagging.
I love him so much he is a good father and I could be so happy with him if he were like he used to be, but I feel as though he is making it harder for me to love him and find myself fantasising about other men I spend hours thinking what it might be like to be with someone who found me attractive and interesting. I also wonder whether he himself might be having an affair as he has lost interest in sex. He flicks through the channels on the television and if there’s nothing he wants to watch he turns to me. Please don’t tell me to put more effort in myself as I’ve really tried doing the things for him that I would like myself and he doesn’t seem to take the hint.
Thank you in anticipation.
Downtrodden wife.

Alan Writes

Job one, change your name, If your called Downtrodden then your just asking for trouble.
“I’ve really tried doing the things for him that I would like myself and he doesn’t seem to take the hint”
Well there’s your problem in a nutshell, when I was doing ad-hoc football consulting for Man U and they asked me about Rio Ferdinand I told them it will be great business for Manchester United despite the massive price tag. Ferdinand showed during the World Cup that he was the best defender in the competition. And given that United have had problems at centre-half for the past couple they had no option but to buy a quality defender, which is what they have got in Rio. He is still only 23 and will improve, and I have no doubt that over a period of time Ferdinand will prove to be the best, Rio is a top class player. He is intelligent, he is good on the ball and in the air – basically he has got the lot.

So, take your lesson from me, if you want to win him back, buy a world class centre-half.

Alan was speaking to.. Hume

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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