Game Reviews

Scribbler’s Live World Cup commentary

By me, and I don’t follow footy.

French have scored a penalty (7m Zidane), and with 19 mins gone, the itilians have equalised (Materazzi). I’d have started this earlier, but I couldn’t be bothered switching on the lappy.

21 mins, and the neighbours have just gone out.

23 mins, looks like he’s forgotten something. I overhear the wifey saying “We’re gonna be late!” Wonder where they’re going.

27 mins. Ooooh. A corner for Italy. Camoramesi has a daft ponytail. I think that’s how you spell it.

30 mins. Meh, I think I’l go get a can of Stella. Wonder if Motty is wearing his sheepskin jacket. And what do they do with the balls after the match has finished?

38 mins. I return! Can in hand, although, I nearly settled for a glass of water. I’m full of cold. How can I be full of cold on the hottest week of the year?

39 mins. Motson: “It’s still a sweltering night here” (Camera cuts to a picutre of a fit blonde) Other commentator: “Getting hotter!” Mmmm. Nothing like casual sexism.

43 mins. 2 added minutes of stoppage time. Ah, the neighbours are back. She’s carrying a blue bag. Looks as if they may have just been to the indian I’ve not had a madras for ages. Actually, that might clear my nose out…..

Half time! Phew.

So, that’s my setup, for those wo where wondering. The teams have arrived for the second half to the sound of Dario G’s “Carnival de Paris”. And there’s the whistle. This keyboard keeps missing letters. I’m going to get my USB one

48 mins, a corner for Italy entirely wasted!

49 mins. Cor, nice moves from Henry there. Corner for France hammered about the box a bit, then over the bar…

51 mins: The crowd are singing “Carnival De Paris” now. I wonder if Dario G’ll get royalties for that….


54 minutes: Viera’s injured. Unsurprisingly, the stadium is sold out, with a capacity of 64,000. And Viera’s coming off……

61 mins: IT’S A GOOOOOOoooh, no it’s not.

63 mins: Henry shoots! He doesn’t score!!!

66 mins: Vileda shoots, and misses. But succeeds in hitting the suspension work of the camera crane

73 mins. Tony handballs, then hits another players leg with his own.And now he’s hurt. Boo hoo.

75 mins. I’m off to the loo. Bet I miss a goal. I’ll wait for this free kick…. which goes nowhere. Right, back in a sec

79 mins: I return, empty. The score is still 1-1. Woo.

80 mins: Zimmerframe Zidane’s on the floor. Is he going off? They’ve taken him off the pitch. And he’s back on. What a waste of time typing this update was.

85: Ukelele passes to Zidane Who passes it, in turn, to Italy.

87: Ah, ithe spelling was Camoranesi. Thank you, helpful BBC caption. He’s just been substituted.

89: Apparently, one of the French players is under suspicion of killing Sophie Ellis Bextor. Police are treating is as murder on Zidane’s floor.

So, now it goes to Extra time….. Time for a piss.

Extra time has kicked off, just in time for me to come hurtling down the stairs and almost twat my head off the front door. As I can’t be arsed working out the 90 minutes plus extra time, so I’ll just start from 0 again

0 mins. They’ve kicked off. The crowd are singing some song I recognise. “Wooooah, woah, woah, woah woooah. Off an advert……

5 mins. You know, it’s quite misleading these camera angles. It appears that the penalty box line is 3 feet off the ground. Because each time two opposing players cross this penalty box line, they both trip over it and go hurtling to the ground for no good reason.

10 mins: Ribery was inches away. I’m glad to see that a small about of inces make a difference. ahem. Anyway, ribery has been substitused for… er, trezuget? something like that?

14: Oooh. Sizane was close. but it didn’t go in. So, therefore it was shit.

19: Zimmerframe Zidane’s been shown a red card! Ho ho ho! Unarguable. You headbutt someone in the chest, you deserve to be sent off. It’s the end of his international career! How unfortunate! Come on Italy!

25: It’s now a chorus of boos when Italy touch the ball, and cheers when France touch it. I’d have thought the big screens would have played back what the violent bastard did?

28: Zidane is the 4th person to be sent off in the World Cup final. But surely the first one for headbutting an opposing player in the chest…..

30: Only Fools and Horses will follow the end of this match. I don’t think I’ll do a running commentary on that. Looks like it’s down to penners, then. Italy have won. But if France win, does that mean Ziane will lift the cup? Let’s fucking hope not.


My question has just been asked, so it isn’t just me thinking that. Either way, I don’t want France to win.

The PA system in the stadium is playing “Is the Way To Armadillo”. How totally inappropriate.

Italy, first penalty…… scored

France, first penalty… scored

Italy, second penalty. scored

France, second penalty, MISSES!

Italy, third penalty, Back of the net!

France, third penalty, Back of the net! God, I’m sounding like Alan Partridge…

Italy, fourth, scored.

Let’s hope France miss……. AND THEY….. don’t. Fuckers.

If italy score this next one, they’ll win. AND THEY DO!! Hurrah. Thank fuck for that. The telly is back to normal as of tomorrow.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s not Only Fools and Horses. It’s only fools ON horses. What a complete waste of airtime that programme is.


The players get presented their models to the tune of Bob Sinclair’s “Love Generation”.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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