Functional Piss-Heads Dating

At Functional Piss-Heads Dating we have thousands of like-minded members waiting to meet you. Whether you’re looking to make new friends or find the love of your life through the bottom of a glass or at the end of a tin of larger, you’re sure to find someone special. So why not join today? One month’s membership is equivalent to only 6 pints of beer or two bottles of average plonk wine or a bottle of semi-descent Scotch. Face it – you get shit faced every night for more! Why not share those magic moments with someone special – like Carlsberg Special Brew 7.3%!

If you freely admit that you love getting wasted more than you love yourself, never mind anyone else – this is the perfect place to meet someone to share those magic moments of  mutual nervous shakes and Aspirins and then – the joy as the first, ‘hair of the dog’, returns you both to the joyous sanity of mutual debauchery and hedonism.

Even blasted out your skull, we have made every effort to fleece a few quid off you whilst you drunkenly attempt to find some like mindlessly inebriated person to share bodily fluids with. Simply fill in the questionnaire by following the template below and as soon as we have your money from your credit card (if you are blind drunk whilst reading this, we have a very hot line where you can slur your credit card details to our highly trained staff in Kazakhstan who are paid to listen to abuse and XXX grade lurid overtures), and within the sinking of two cans of beer, you will be finding the partner of your drunken wet dreams.

Below is a classic example of Her seeking Him. This delightful lady went on to die under the No 47 bus in Upminster whilst crawling across the road at 3.00 pm after celebrating her 6th divorce. At the time she was using a mobile phone to propose to a wonderful man she met here on Functional Piss-Heads Dating. You will be surprised how easy it is to find a mate for a short life!

About Her        

Country of Origin: United Kingdom
Current Location: Gypsies Camp, somewhere in England, United Kingdom
Gender: Female
Age: 49 looking on 63
Star Sign: I see all of them after the 17th Tequila
Height: 5′ 1”-5′ 7” (depends what state I am in)
Body Type: Large Vat of Beer (like them pictures of the opening of the Oktoberfest)
Looks: Very Attractive after 16 pints of Special Brew 7.3%
Hair Colour: Manky grey streaked with poor quality blonde dye.
Eye Colour: Bloodshot red
Ethnicity: Piss-head Extremos Loveitus
Home Language: Slurry Sloppy Slappy
Other Languages: ya’ What?
Religion: God of the Beer
Education: I could cant to tin till husband no 3 bit 3 fingers ov, so kan  cant to 8 now.
Occupation: Protester against social service cuts
Annual Income: 15.000 tins of beer a year
Drinking Habits: Lots and lots and more lots
Smoking Habits: Like a coal fired energy producer chimney
Relationship Status: Multiple divorces (I think)
Relationship Types: Friends; Open to possibilities; Short-term; Long-term- Quick shag in a car park.
Have Children: Yes, loads but dunno where they are cos Social Services took em away.
Want Children: Don’t care, cos Social Services take em away.

Why should you get to know HER?

Now the kids are all gone, and I don’t care, I wanna make lots more even if my insides don’t work. I can drink all my social without sicking up and I can kick the shit out any tart who look at me man. I am easy to drag home when pissed and all me plates are plastic, so it don’t hurt when I throw em at ya. I love Big Bother and I no that I would be rich if they let me on it like that East end slapper with the fat lips.

She describes her ideal match thus:

Drinks shit loads and don’t shit in the bed and kan shag loads even when me sleeping, has a huge cock which I can send pics of to Celebrity Shags Magazine.

Has Photo: Decidedly important
Star Sign: Any
Height: 5′ 0”~ 7’9” and that’s just his penis!
Body Type: Brad Pitt
Looks: Who cares when me pissed
Hair Colour: Any
Eye Colour: Any
Ethnicity: Piss-ahead-a-lotus
Home Language: (Moderately important) ya What!
Other Languages: Huh!
Religion: God of Beer
Education: He gotta be able to say thank you sometimes
Occupation: Delivery driver of beer
Annual Income: His own beer, the bastard
Drinking Habits: Lots and Lots and Lots
Smoking Habits:   Smokes his own, the bastard.
Relationship Status: Not in jail
Have Children: Any
Want Children: (Moderately important) Don’t care, cos they get taken off me anyway.

More About Her

Personality Traits:

Easygoing; Funny; Intelligent; Adventurous; Outgoing; Crawls across streets with style, Vomits lady-like in the curb, Don’t wear knickers so quicky Shags are real quick, Realistic; Loving; Loyal; Independent; Thoughtful; Happy; Trustworthy; Faithfulness; Generous, Glass ya if ya stich me up. Rant insanely after 12th Gin and Tonic, Brainless, Incoherent after 3.00pm, Lying, evil, conniving, Good sort.

Sense of Humour:

Light-hearted, till 18th pint then me wanna kick fuck out of anyone.

Valued Qualities:

Friendliness; Honesty; Kindness; Patience; Tolerance; Humour; Huge cock, lots of dosh and he can get me on Big Bother. Faithfulness; Chemistry; Sexiness

Intelligence: Preferably as thick as shit like that |Jade cow slapper
Ruled by: The bottle
Party Behaviour: Wham Bam Gang Bang Shag
Is the glass half full or half empty: ya What!- me want it full always.
Hair Style: Greasy, lank, smell of kippers
Facial Hair: Bit of a stubble on chin if I don’t shave for 3  days
Eyesight: I see fuck all after 16 pints but before that I can see a pint in front of me
Body Art: I have a tattoo of a junkie on me left tit. I got it when I was  a hippie.
Fashion Sense: Alternative (I’m stylish in my own special way, it depends wots in the charity shops)
Pastimes of choice: Going on the piss and kicking fuck out of bitches that look at me man
Music Preferences: any shit, love karaoke when I can sing Kylie Minoggy stuff and show off me legs and tits.
Reading: I read stuff from the council and social services and the police. Not the group..hah hah
TV Habits: I watch television all the time when I aint in the pub, but don’t tell anyone, cos I aint paid for no thieving licence, the bastards.
TV programmes: Big Bover, Lots of Bover, Give Me Bover, I Kick the Bover Out of Ya
Movie Frequency: ya What! On the tellie like.
Movie Preferences: Fighting, Drinking, Shagging
Current Relationship: I shag all and sundry when me well pissed.
Date Activities: Meeting for drinks, lots of drink and then I want shag with huge Cocks.
Pace of Life: Layed back pissed all the time when I can.
Cuisine: £1 pizza with saliva and Cheese from Iceland.
Family Size: I’ve got 12 brothers and sisters I sort of know of cos they want presents at Xmas, the bastards.
Family Contact: I see them outside me door in the morning, the begging bastards. Why they don’t get a job?
Time Online: When I gotta a spare quid to use at intercourse caffi.
Animals: I like roast chicken and lamb and duck. Don’t like dogs cos they shit in the caravan and cats pee on me bed.
Turn-offs: Shit in the bed. Groping udder woman in the pub, stealing me pint, thieving me income support.
Honesty: Don’t believe a word.

So what are you waiting for? Seize the moment and join
 Functional Piss-Heads Dating
And find the partner of your dreams TODAY.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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