Game Reviews


OK, it’s Bullseye, it’s meant to be tacky, but it’s tackier than I could possibly imagine.

They’ve re-recorded the opening sequence music horribly. The opening shot of inside the bus used to be charactures of famous darters. Not any more. It now features a token black guy, and even a woman. And, as we all know, women simply cannot play darts. With the exception of Trina Gulliver.

The music, which was once a jolly little tune, has also been re-recorded using the cheapest techniques and synthesisers available. It’s the musical equivalent of freshly squeezed orange juice, versus 11p Smart Price orangeade.

So, onto the show itself. Horribly dull set. Black and Red dartboard-shaped doors open, and Dave Spikey walks out, mock-gasping at the set. Spikey’s insistence on mentioning the fact that you were watching Bullseye “Bullseye! it’s fucking Bullseye!” got right on my tits.

Introducing the contestants was as dull as ever. At least there’s one good thing that’s came out of shows like “The Weakest Link” – each contestand has 3 seconds to introduce themselves.

So, by now, we’re 4 minutes and 18 seconds into it, and I haven’t stopped complaining. is it going to pick up when the game starts??

The contestants that answer the questions introduced by Spikey as “The Knowers” make their way to the desks, shaped hilariously like dartboards, while the dart players, introduced as “The Throwers” (God, who comes up with these?) sit precariously on shiny stools (f’nar) which look as if they could tip up at any point.

So, the first round gets underway. The category board. They’ve dropped the bullseye prize from £200 to a “whopping, massive, unbelievable £150!!!!” Can it get any worse? Surely, after so many years off the air, they’d have had time to research some decent darts players for the contestants. The first player steps up, throws the dart, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand misses the board entirely. An animated Bully appears from the side of the screen, and sticks his thumb down.

Up steps Contestant 2. A woman. Could I be correct in the previous statement that women simply can’t play darts? Why, yes. She went for faces, hit Spelling. And the question… “Spell ‘Weird’ “. God, that’s a toughie.

Bully appears across the bottom of the screen, flipping a dictionary. Spikey pretends to point at the letters in true Bowen style, and misses them entirely.

So, Player 3. Surely, one of them is going to hit the right subject… No. Went for Words, hit Books.

Two excruciating question rounds later, it’s onto “pounds for points”!! Though, unfortunately, it’s another round that’s fallen victim to horrible music re-recording. In the previous series, there used to be three different tracks used in the background. These are still in existence, as ITV uses part of them on their Flash-based version of Bullseye, so I’m assuming Challenge weren’t given the rights to use these, and had to record their own. Again, crap music, crap darts playing.

The one who managed to miss the board in the first round scored 11. That would have been £11, which only just covers the cost of a chicken curry with rice, a mixed grill and two bags of chips from Four Seasons. But naturally, they got beaten, and someone else got the question right.

Two more rounds of that, and the horrible music later, the two shittest go home with the bendy bullies, tankards and darts. Something new this year too – a DVD game, a board game, and a Bullseye T-Shirt. Cor! XXL for me please!

Against the odds, the woman darts player got through to the final, so I was wrong with that all along. Bah. Throwing for charidee was none other than Phil “The Power” taylor, who got the 301. Apparently. For whatever reason, they cut to the wide-angle shot just as the last dart was going in. This meant that it was impossible to tell whether it went in the 20 or the treble. But, Tony Green said it did. And, I’d believe anything that man said.

So, onto the prize board, and thank fuck we’re nearing the end. Something that got right on my tits at this point was Spikey’s sarcastic assistance that the prizes were “amazing”….

Iiiiiiiiin One. A non-branded Gorge Foreman grill.

Iiiiiiiiin Two. An Atari console thing which you plug into your telly “complete with 20 classic games”.

Iiiiiiiiin Three. What the fuck? It’s a ball that lights up. The audience were beside themselves at this point.

Iiiiiiiiin Four. A desktop fridge. Not bad.

Iiiiiiiiin Five. A “JML Steam Genie”. I say again. What the fuck?

Iiiiiiiiin Six. A DAB radio.

Iiiiiiiiin Seven “It’s the only thing I want to see in the pool that’s yellow!” – some inflatable kids thing

Iiiiiiiiin Eight. An MP3 player.

And Bully’s Special Priiiiiiize: A tent. OK, it’s a *large* tent. But it’s still a tent.

They get three prizes, none of them the tent (awwww). So it’s time for the gamble, Spikey informs them that if they lose, “You’ve had a good day out, but you’re going home wi’ nowt”. They don’t gamble.

Up steps the pair who didn’t finish last, and they risk their pathetic amount of money. Ooooh. Was this a wise choice?

After 5 darts, they had 55 points. Oh no! Were they fucked? Apparently not., A quick treble 20 later, they were dancing up and down awaiting the arrival of their star prize. Ta-da! A telly. You couldn’t hide the disappointment, both on the contestants faces, and on mine. I’d waited 10 years for the resurrection of Bullseye. And what do they give me? A program wetter than a sardines minge.

Will I watch episode 2? Yes, possibly. Though , I feel I might have to bite each of my toes off individually during the adverts to disguise the pain.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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